Secrets Redux

I was wrong. Another example of my poor judgment.

Back to no secrets worth keeping.

I'm too easily played.

Loveable

That is something no one has ever accused me of being.
I'm pretty sure if they did, it would only be a friendly ploy of encouragement, and not so much the truth.
There are more things about me to dislike than to like, I recognize this and share in the dislike of myself.
Don't try to get close to me, there is only a short list of outcomes, and none of them pleasant.

Ah tomorrow; another day alone.

Secrets

I've never been one for secrets.
I've never found one worth keeping.
Never wanted to keep one.
Not until I found you.

You can be my secret.

Bits and Pieces

Were you listening when I screamed out your name?
Can you even hear me?
Do you see my pain?

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I heard you.
I was listening.
I see you.

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I know it that it should not be.
I know what others see.
I know that am not capable of this.
I know that something is amiss.

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All these thoughts in my head
They bring me round and fill me with dread.

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What is your story?
I want to know your story.
Won't you tell me?

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Can I write your story?

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Spicks and Specks!

Significance

Sometimes I lose mine.

I am here

I want to tell you a story, to have you rapt and focused upon my every word.
I want to see you leaning in as I weave the details and spin the plot as something tangible.
I want to know that I am reaching you with my words, that I am impacting you in a way that will last.
I want to teach you my story. I want you to see what I have seen.
I want to teach you so that you don't have to learn the hard way.
I want to join the words and diction in a way that holds you mesmerized within my ability to speak.
I want to learn how to tell you in words that you will understand.
I want you to listen when I speak, and value that which I tell you.

I am here.

I always listen. I'm always ready to be whatever you need me to be.
There may be times when I would wish to be anywhere else.
But for you I will remain, and you will never know of my reticence.
I am dedicated. I am honest. I am transparent.
Ah but therein lies the complication.
I hurt. I bleed. I suffer.
You must earn the right to be a part of my hidden unhappiness.
I will share my entire life and soul with you.
But you truly know me when I show you my scars and my wounds.

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Let me be here for you.
I see your pain.
I see the emptiness in your eyes.
I see the way you glance at people out of the corner of your eye to see if they are watching you and to see if they are staying consistent.
I see the hunger for fulfillment and love.
I know how your heart aches with every beat.
I know how your head begins to spin and you feel empty and broken every time you think about the future.
I know.
I understand.
But I don't know how to help you.
If you let me in. I will pour out this love that I have and I will lend you solace in your pain.
There have been times when you look at me and I see you begging me to say something, and all I am able to do is hug you and tell you that I do, honestly love you, and that God is shaping this part of your life so that you will have a better ministry in the future.
But most of the time your eyes just fall and you turn away.
I offer.
I wait.
I pray.
I am here.

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Dear God show me how to use these few talents I have to help this hurting child. My heart aches with the pain I know they feel. Dear God grant me Your wisdom so that I may help them to yield their broken vessel to you for healing.
Use me.
Pour me out and cast me aside.
But do not let this one fall away.

All I know

Stability? What is that?

I'm ready for some stability in my life. For a regular rhythm of being able to pay my bills, get ahead, not be jerked around by work, people, circumstances, and events.

Yes, I know that this is "real life" and that things are rarely "consistent" just because of the way life works. But there is a balance to be found. Mine just doesn't exist yet.

I don't have a whole lot of hope in any of the facets of my life right now. I am stuck in a dead end job that though I enjoy it, it is stressful and I hate the constant pressure. I've been trying to find another job for four months now with no luck. (Yes I know, four months is nothing) I'm barely paying my bills, with no end to this difficulty in sight. I have no car, so getting to work in the inclement weather is a hassle. I'm looking to buy one, but that ties in with the last two... job and bills... After a few lovely conversations over the last several weeks, the fires of future hopes have been doused with a cool bucket of reality, and I am forced to face a quiet, solitary outlook on things.

Not that I am complaining per se... Just expressing my opinions of life in general. Which are slightly bitter.

Do you even remember?

Do you? Or have you become so accustomed to things now that you don't even remember?

When was the last time you were actually satisfied with me, the way that I am, the things that I do?

Am I never going to be good enough for you?

Am I never going to DO enough for you?

Am I never going to make you happy?

I am who, and what I am. Don't try to "fix" me.

So dumb

Sometimes I think to myself, but then I realize how dumb it is and I just have to laugh, because it really doesn't make any sense.

Why do I do this to myself? I think I am subconsciously punishing myself. Who knows?

I know I'm doing it, but does that mean I'll stop or change? Not likely!

Prayer for 2012

Dear Father, guide me in Your way. Help me to follow Your voice and to learn to submit myself to you.

Teach me to allow you to fill this loneliness in my heart, take my desire for self, and I will focus my passions on you. Help me to dedicate my life to you as Paul, in total abandon of flesh and indentured servitude to you.

Help me to be more effective in Your kingdom this year, so that others may come to You through me.

Satisfy my desires with Your Will, and light me anew to burn for you.

Father, use me as your vessel.