So confused

A quiet word from you reaches through everything raging within me and quiets it all.
But after that word you retract again.

I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.

I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.

I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.

I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.

I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.

How?

When you ask what's wrong, how do I begin to explain that you are the source of my erratic behavior?

"I changed my mind"

Apparently, with those words, everything changed. Changed a lot.

I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.

I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.

But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"

Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...

But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.

So I'll drown my pain, in pain.

Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.

I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.

Recent Memories

These things I did alone tonight, and remembered when I was not alone.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone

I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.

Groundhog day

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character is inexplicably sentenced to relive one day until he learns his lesson and makes/does things right.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.

----------

I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.

So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.

Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)

I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.

Lame

Here's my bit of lame for today.

I want to be somebody that somebody can't live without.

Too Fore

Another year has come and passed. Until one of my friends text me and told me happy birthday just now, I had forgotten tomorrow was my birthday.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.

In Jeopardy

I have long conversations on this subject with a couple of friends.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.

Now, it has come down to a couple of things.

1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...

I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.

Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.