I have long conversations on this subject with a couple of friends.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.
Now, it has come down to a couple of things.
1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...
I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.
Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.
Cosmongony
The Expanses of my Mind.
4 comments:
Been there. Done that.
Sin is NEVER God's plan, but forgiveness is and I know God can handle him better than I. He does allow us to choose you know. Praying for you T.
Thank you. I need it.
Totally feeling this. I have the same feelings about my birth mom, and then I feel like I've forgiven her until she randomly shows up again. Although, I now have a harder time, with the feeling of abandonment. Completely terrified that everyone I love is going to just up and leave one day.
(P.S. Happy Birthday Tony!)
This wasn't about Dad though, like I said, I've moved past that. :)
Thanks. :)
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