Defeat

Every now and then, I have a rare moment when I feel happy and content with who I am...

But those moments never last and are quickly replaced by feelings of dislike and distrust for myself.

Daydreams

"It's a cold and blustery day, I need a nap."

"It snowed a little earlier, I need one too."

You make the Hot Cocoa
I'll start the fire.

You grab the blankets
I'll build it higher.

You take the couch
I'll take the chair.

We'll sit and talk
and drift off together.

Riding

I am very ready for consistently warm weather.. I need to be riding again.

Being alone is more bearable when I'm riding.

Walls

Beware of barriers willingly built, for their strength is unparalleled.

Beyond All Measure

I have been blessed.

Me

In a recent conversation, I was pointing out facets of my personality and character to make a point. Here is how it came out:

I am a starter, not a maintainer.
I am a mentor, not a teacher.
I am an example, not a leader.
I am a show-er, not a talker.
I am a support, not a facade.
I am a foundation, not an awning.

These things are part of who I am. I cannot change them, but I can and often do work around them to fulfill the needs around me. But to do so for long periods of time becomes taxing and sometimes tedious.

I just pray for Grace to continue.

Stupid

People.
Life.
Things.
Stuff.
Situations.
Finances.
Emotions.
Feelings.
Thoughts.
Responsibilities.
Duties.
Heart.
Mind.
Body.
Love.
Places.

Ingress

I haven't written anything in a long, long time, so when I got the urge to write last night I was a bit surprised.
Surprisingly enough, that urge stayed with me through to today... so here it is:

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I've always heard the voices.

As a child I thought that everyone heard them, so I never mentioned it. But as I grew older I realized that what I was hearing was unique to me. Those voices telling me I needed to visit certain places, or do something I had never considered before.

At first they were nearly impossible to resist, I felt compelled to obey them and their draw on my psyche. As I have matured, I have learned to tune them out, much like you would do with the excess noise in a crowded room. I am able to operate as a normal person without the voices affecting me too greatly.

Then everything changed.

I was just sitting at my computer at work browsing through my Google + stream and suddenly I felt a sharp stabbing pain behind my eyes as I heard the voices tear down all of my mental defenses. I could do nothing to resist them as I was almost forced to follow the series of posts about #ingress .

The voices suddenly became clearer, the more I read the more I understood, I had finally discovered what caused them: The Shapers, and their insidious method of invading our minds, a  "mind virus" if you will. At last I knew what I had to do about the voices in my head.

I never had a choice whether or not to resist

But that's all changed now. The voices are still there, and they still try to control me. But now I am the master, I use them as the Shapers desired to use me.

I maintain a casual stroll as I approach

The voices tell me it's there, but I already know. I can see them now, and though the voices pull me towards the shimmering grey portal, I know what I have to do... I glance down at my scanner, stopping just within range I fire my most powerful burster and muster a half smile as the only resonator falls.  I look around furtively to be sure I am still safe as I quickly hack the portal.
My resonators are carefully placed and shields in place as I walk away, headed for the next portal. I can't see this one yet, but the voices tell me it's there.

I don't understand

Why this Mind Virus hasn't " #enlightened " me, but I am grateful that I am able to use it for the #resistance .

I don't know who will ever read this, and I don't know if it will make a difference, but if any who read it are infected, I encourage you: Fight them!

You don't have to surrender your individuality to another force

You can RESIST!

Better

Some answers are better left unknown.

Some questions better left unasked.

Sometimes it's better not to know.

Gypped

A few weeks ago I jokingly told my mother that I felt I had been gypped on intelligence. (Reasoning below)

I have begun to think that maybe I was right...

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See, I've got 7 siblings. That means 8 of us total. So here is my reasoning:

Mom knew she was going to have a bunch of kids, so she stored up a bunch of intelligence to give them, and when my oldest brother came along, he got a good dose. (He's wicked smart... CNO at TypeFrag.com or something like that. He also taught for Microsoft.)

Then comes my oldest sister, and she got a good dose too. (Master's degree in some sort of child development/counselling)

Then my next oldest brother, and he got a good dose. (4+ degrees, deployed Navy Reserves)

Then another brother, a good dose for him. (2 degrees, IT support at the corporate offices of one of the biggest car dealerships in Oklahoma. AND musically talented beyond imagination.)

Then another sister, and she got a good dose. (Going for equine surgeon, musically talented.)

Now that's five kids right there, all with good doses of intelligence, and I think maybe mom didn't realize just how much she had given each of them... Because then I come along at number six, and I get the dregs of the lot.

At this point, mom realizes her mistake, and builds up a bunch more intelligence for the next kids to come along. (Too late for me)

Younger brother = Great dose! Smartest of the lot, I think he got intelligence equal to three of the others... 

Younger sister = good dose! 

Both of the younger are currently in college, and are going to go much farther than I ever will.

So I was just the unlucky number 6.

Gypped. :/

Idiocy

...one of the few things I excel at.

I might as well have pulled out my knife and stabbed myself in the chest.

Signature

He looked slowly around the room taking in the faces, letting the silence settle and waiting for someone to speak up. When no one seemed inclined to speak, he made a statement and asked a question.

Twenty minutes later, he put his signature on six pieces of paper.

As he signed them, he suddenly thought "My signature decides how the rest of this man's life will be lived."

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My world was shaken today.

Still trying to shake it off.

Options

I spend the majority of my time one of two ways...

I am either:
1. Being completely ignored
or
2. Being the central focus of awkward and unwanted attention

I much prefer the former, so I'd like to just go and live out my days peacefully in a desert somewhere.

Definitions

Weakness: A luxury I cannot afford.

Happiness: That age-old illusion that deceives all men.

Marriage: Something that I am losing faith in.

Pathetic: Being 24, living at home, having graduated from college with an impractical degree, and going nowhere in life.

Women: A frustrating waste of time.

Hopeless:  Me.

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Not interested in feedback. Just needed to put this out there somewhere.

Thoughts of Love

An excerpt from a book I am reading:

He shook his head. "No, There are many ways to love
someone. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not too choosy about
who we love. Other times we make love such a pure and noble thing, no
poor human can ever meet our vision. But for the most part, love is a
recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I
cherish.' It doesn't entail marriage, or even physical love. There's
love of parents, love of city or nation, love of life, and love of
people. All different, all love.

Current thought

Hoping is for the weak minded and Someday is for fools.

Insights into a strange mind

Sitting here at my desk...Bored, playing silly games on my phone, letting my mind wander, and I suddenly had an aha! moment... 
Humour me as I share my thoughts.

Stupid tourists, I fleece thee, gimme moar monees!  (http://goo.gl/ngZ8U)
I shall destroy all of you puny aliens! You have no hope! You may call me Destroyer, or "Destro" for short!
(http://goo.gl/nheiv)
ooh Destro! Where have I heard that? (Image of an actor pops into my head)Hmmm so I know he said it, I remember he said it with a scottish accent, but why would The Doctor be saying something with a scottish accent?!
Wait...Wait... Oh! I knew I had seen Nine in something before!
Nine is also McCullen!
(G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra)

Just my strange mind at work...

Out Of Reach

I need you tonight.
To wrap me in your arms
Protect me from my fright
Silence all alarms

You used to be there
Sometimes needing
Sometimes needed
Each the other's shield

Tonight the silence is unbroken
Fabric absorbs my silent tears
I want to ask you to hold me
I want to say your name and know that you'll be near

But I know that you no longer need me
Your heart has healed
Others deserve your love more than I
I will not force your attention to myself

So tonight I lie alone
Ignoring the trickles down my cheeks
Turning my heart to stone
Until the sunlight peeks

Because you are out of reach.

Storms

God can bring you joy in the midst of a storm.

It may not be that God changes the storm, or that He makes it easier, or even that He makes it stronger.

Sometimes it could be something totally unrelated to the storm you are battling, but it brings a smile to your face, and joy to your heart, and you can't help but cry, not because of how much the storms hurt, or because of how hard life is... Just because in the midst of the screaming winds and violent waves, God reaches out his hand and shows you that He loves you.

I am going through a lot of really tough things in my life right now, along with my whole family. But today, God wanted to make it clear to me that He loves me.
There are a lot of things that I want, but cannot afford... So I just look at them and hope for a day that they will fit in my budget. But today, God changed that.

He gave me twelve (12) items that without His help I would not have been able to afford for at least a year or two... I could not believe it..

I'll post pictures soon.

I wish I knew

A lot of things.

Tonight:

1. Who it is so I can slap him.

2. If she exists.