How exactly?

Am I supposed to address what I am thinking and feeling if I can't actually put my finger on it? I have no idea how to define the moods I have been in or what has caused them. I want to be able to move past this... But how can I when I don't know what IT is?
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.

Patience

Time, though swiftly passing by, does not require the haste we place on every moment.We live lives that are so full of things, people, places, and stuff that we rarely take the time to slow down and just relax and recharge.
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.

Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.

With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"

I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.

So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!

Understanding

Do you comprehend understanding? How do you define understanding? I smile as I type. Do you understand understanding?

There are many definitions of the word, and I would venture to say that not many people are truly enlightened as to what it means to truly understand something or someone.

In our lives I think that it is rare to find that you understand yourself, much less those around you and you can only count on one person being able to truly comprehend what it is that makes you who you are. That one person is your Creator. I think it is possible to find someone who understands you, and who you are, but I think that it happens so rarely that it is not believed.

As humans, we all have a desire to understand and be understood. But that desire is very rarely sated in a healthy manner. This is very similar to our desire to love and be loved.

Finding a person who fits into your life is not an easy task, and the road you must travel to find that person is often long and has many twists and turns... sometimes it even loops back to a place you had ignored before. But still we all (most) labor on in the hopes of finding that person who we can understand and who understands us.

That level of understanding leads to one of two results; either that person loves and accepts all of you, or they begin to hold you in contempt and attempt to take advantage of you.

When you find the person who understands the essence of who you are, and still accepts you, and finds it within themselves to love you in spite of all of the faults and failings they can see in you, hold on to that person. Don't let them go, because the odds are that you will never find another.

Possibly more to say on this at a later date.
But how would I keep people from believing I had lied to them?
Just know that sometimes facts change.

What's in your eyes?

This has been going around in my head a lot over the last few weeks. I can't get it out of my head.

I have always been a person who makes eye contact, it just seems to me like it should be a common part of communication. But in the world we live in, we are so "socialized" with media, smart phones, Facebook, twitter, etc, that we have lost the ability to communicate honestly and clearly.

I make eye contact when I am talking to you. I have nothing to hide. I know that some people see this as flirting. I know that others are made uncomfortable. But it's what I do.
Having said that, I see a lot in people's eyes.

Most often the eyes that I see are the "dead" eyes. Eyes of people who have no hope, no light in their lives that give them a reason to wake up each day. Those people make me hurt.

I also see the "hurt" eyes. The people who have had some unspeakable pain inflicted upon them whether in their hearts and minds, or physically. These people have my heart.

I see the "needy" eyes. People who want to love and to be loved, they desire love and acceptance to counter the neglect they have felt in the past. I want to pour love into these people.

I see the "fearing" eyes. Always afraid of those around them, in one way or another they fear what others are trying to take from them or do to them. Sometimes this fear is irrational, yet sadly, other times there is a reason for this fear. I want to teach these people trust.

I see the "loving" eyes. The eyes of the people who love those around them and long to show that love that God has given them. These people encourage me.

I see eyes of people who are "whole" and who are able to meet your eyes and are happy (or at least content) where they are and they have a wholesome relationship with God and their peers and it shows in their eyes.
These people give me hope.

I see "searching" eyes. These people are looking for a hope and a light to fill their eyes. They want to find something that will fulfill their soul and their desires.
I want to teach these people.

I see more than most people do. Sometimes this may be based upon impressions, but I think that often it is accurate and reflects who these people are. I want to be able to use what I know to help people, but I don't always have the ability, the right, the desire, the courage to do so.

I just trust God to show me His timing and to be able to do what He desires of me when that time comes.

Dreamer?

Hurray for, a child that makes it through.
If someone longs, strives, hopes, dreams pushes for something that is clearly impossible, with no hope of being possible, does that make them a dreamer? Hopeless? a Madman? A fool? An innovator? A visionary?
What about someone who accepts the inevitable and chooses to live with things as they are, does that make them complacent? Unmotivated? Uninterested? Wise? Content?
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Hi Lauren

Would it Matter?

Watch "Skillet - Would It Matter (Lyrics)" on YouTube

Missionary music.

There is plenty of good quality music to communicate the message of missions.
We don't have to rewrite hymns with corny, cliches of missionary intent.
This is my belief.

Meet Joe Black

I've never seen the movie... but found this quote and found it interesting.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows, lightning could strike.

Another day

My shoulders squared to carry the load.
My eyes uplifted to find the strength.
My chin raised to lighten the mood.
My feet ready to walk the road.
My hands prepared to earn my way.
My mouth accustomed to bitter defeat.
My back weary from feeling the blows.
Another day comes, another day goes.

******************

Well that started out nicely... But ended on a dreary note. Kinda matches my mood today though.

A thousand years.

Oranges are my favorite. But I like Apples a lot.

I know

That this means nothing to most people.
But when I find it hard to express what I am thinking/feeling.
I find a song.

I use music to communicate what I am thinking and feeling.
So if you are ever wondering where I am and what is going on in my life.
Look at my facebook.
I post so many songs on there that I am sure I annoy people.
I know most people just ignore the music that I post.
But I wish some people would listen to them.
Ah well.

"Broke & Ugly"

... That was what his sign said.

None of the usual "anything helps" or "God Bless" just a simple message describing his current conditions.
He felt no need to lie or to try to manipulate people. He was just out of options. He hated himself like he hated every single minute he stood there on the corner.

He carried an old backpack hanging loosely on his right shoulder. At one time it had been navy blue, and might have even carried the Old Navy logo, but now it is so faded that you can hardly tell it was blue. His clothes were neat, though noticeably worn and thin. He wore several shirts, with a faded checked flannel shirt over them.
His jeans had holes and you could see that he was wearing another pair under them. Worn, mismatch combat boots and a ratty baseball cap completed his ensemble as he stood there watching people pass with the windows up in their cars.

The slight satire of his cardboard sign reflected his outlook on life, his ability to find humor in all things. Yes, he needed money, yes he hadn't had a good meal in almost two days, but he wasn't going to outright beg for money. Just let people know that he was broke, and as for the second part of the sign.. Well, he wasn't being entirely humorous when he wrote it. He thought of what people see when they look at him; A small, slant shouldered man in his mid fifties, hair that was once a dark brown now mostly gray. A large, unkempt beard reaches several inches below his chin. Missing teeth make his rare smile one that most wouldn't find attractive. Only the eyes in his grizzled, weather worn face look bright.

So he stands, waiting, praying for a break that will change his life again.

Holding his sign that says: "Broke & Ugly"

****************************

Based upon the encounter I had with a homeless guy this morning...

Homeless Guy: Let me ride that bike!
Me: Nope, I don't really let many people ride her.
HG: C'mon man, I'll take care of her, let me ride!
Me: No sir, sorry.
HG: I got a good looking ol' lady, you can have her! Fair trade!
Me: Nah, this girl is plenty for me!
HG: I'm just messing man. (Holds out fist for fist bump)

And off I go...
It was interesting.

I do not like

This quote:

Some people are meant to fall in love with each other,
But not meant to be together.

Just saying.

Choices

I often wonder the reasoning behind some people's actions. What are you hoping to find? Do you really just want to keep up? or are you looking for something more?
What goes through your mind? I don't understand. But I don't feel comfortable asking.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

                           -Robert Frost

Clearly I am faced with a choice. Being prepared for that choice and willing to live with

the consequences either way... That's the trick.

I am beginning to notice a pattern, and I don't like it. -.-

I'm dead beat tired today. Stayed up too late and didn't sleep too well. 

Might end up taking up that daily offer from a friend for an energy drink... lol

I just want to run away and sleep. Sounds like a wonderful plan. 

****EDIT****

Just found this quote, I find it interesting.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.

It works not because it settles the issue for you. 

But because in that brief moment when the coin

is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

Thanks... I guess...

*On the phone with an old friend*
Friend: So are you married now, or engaged, or dating or what? I haven't kept up with you.
Me: Well, Katie and I broke up, so now I'm just trying to be me and stay close to God so that He can control what happens in that aspect of my life.
Friend: Yeah that makes sense! But man, people used to say that we Mills boys were slow, I guess they had never met you Tylers...
Me: (polite laugh and move from subject)

Thanks?

Things that were

But are no more.
The clothes fill the box, they are memories of thinner, more active, more...lets just leave it at they haven't been worn in months, some of them years. The hangars are assorted, all styles, colors and types, most of them in good shape.
The clothes are laid in the box and folded over in an attempt to preserve their former neatness, except... well, except for that lump there, no not that one, the big one under the shirt there.
The clothes press down and almost smother the small thing there, but it is nothing compared to what he has experienced in the past. But then, those were happier circumstances, happier times and companions.
He chokes back a sob as he remembers and slowly works to escape the pressure on him. He finally manages to uncover part of himself, and he collapses again under the weight of the clothes.
It's been so long since he was needed, and a tear appears in his eye before being absorbed again by his cheek. These tears are not his own, but ones that he has bourne in the past for others as he held and consoled them, gave them the comfort that others could not.
But wait, do you hear that? At last! One of those companions has returned! He can hear him talking, look, look there! The shirts are moved aside! A wave of cool air washes over him as large, calloused, yet gentle hands lift him into the air.
Joy floods his heart as he remembers the better times of the past, the love and happiness that is stored with his little body from the times it could not be shared. He almost glows as it all rushes to the surface of his soft brown skin and he lovingly looks again into the face of he who owns him.
But. No! Oh why?!
There isn't happiness looking back at him! Only sadness, with a hint of pain, "oh what have I done" he wonders to himself. He doesn't understand, he only wants to love and be loved. Not cause this pain.
He is crestfallen, he hangs limply in the hands and doesn't even react when he is placed back into the box.
He is alone again, with the knowledge that for the time being, he cannot again bring joy.
He begins to weep quietly as his master walks away, he doesn't fight or lash out as the clothes begin again to take over.
But what he doesn't know, is that the initial joy on his face was noticed, it started a change in his master, and his master will soon reclaim him as a companion. There is yet hope, for he can once again be pulled from his living grave and be restored to his former place!
He sparked this story, and now...
Chesterton sleeps at my side tonight.
Yes, it's true, this story is about my stuffed monkey. But I love this little guy...

The views of others

It is interesting to find out the way other people view you. I have been having a few odd experiences with people lately, and in these happenings, it comes about that I learn how they view me. It's an interesting thing to learn, because it changes how you understand them.

Just a couple of examples.
I work with a fellow by the name of Anthony. We became acquainted through the office communicator and a group help chat that was going. Then it started that I was being tasked to do more second level work, which is what he does. We haven't really talked much about anything except work, and then one day I say to him "Yo!" and his response is "Don't ever say that again, you are one of the most educated people here." This kind of boggled my mind, as we had never discussed education or anything close. Anthony has said that to me several times in response to things like "dood" and "aight" always his response is "You are one of the most educated people here, don't do that."
And then the other day, he asked how old I was. I told him, and he said "Oh, well you are younger than I thought." I said "yeah, most people say that" and his response to that kind of blew me away... He says "Well, you dress older."
I dress older? What exactly does that mean? Besides that I'm not "cool"? I just told him that I didn't dress according to fashion, but rather what was comfortable to me. So I am now aware that how I dress affects how people determine my age. I guess.

And then just yesterday, I was talking with Someone and I was informed that I had surprised them. How? I asked. "You are more of a man than I expected."
Interesting. More of a man than what? Although I know the comparisons being made, it still makes me wonder about what was expected, and if I should do something so that others don't have the same impression of a "lesser" man.

It's fascinating the correlations people draw, all because of their past and their experiences.

Updates

Neh... Life is crazy. Just when you think you are settling down into a nice routine it throws you a curve ball that rocks you on your heels.

Things have been going pretty good. I'm working, paying the bills, enjoying Medusa almost every day. Doing small things now and then to relax.. God is still teaching me, I just have to remember to learn.

(Sorry, I know there are a lot of random statements in my posts... It's just the way my head works.)

I feel like writing a story, but I don't have the proper motivation. Had a talk with Em last night about music and how I don't feel like I am talented in music. "Just because something doesn't come easily to you, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't talented" Thanks.

This last weekend was the Susan G. Komen race for the Cure in Tulsa. I had agreed at the beginning of the summer to run the 5k... But I am such a fat lazy slob that I didn't run at all this summer to get in shape for it, so I walked it instead. :(
I rode up there Friday evening, it was cold and there were quite a few storms. So I was getting road spray the whole way there... and about 10 minutes before I got there it really started to rain on me, so I got rather wet... But Medusa does well in the rain and I didn't really have any trouble. ("There" being the Barger's house just outside of Tulsa)
Lauren and Ricki drove down from Cinci for the race, so they were there. I met Lauren's family and then I changed out of my wet clothes and Lauren, Ricki and I went to meet up with some of Lauren's friends at a sushi place. (In The Raw, decent place for serving blech stuff)
Lauren forced me to eat it... One of the rolls she ordered was pretty good, but the other wasn't so great because it had salmon in it... So we ate there with her friends and it was fun. Then we just headed back home. Ended up getting home before her family, Lauren's words were "We are home before the old people!"
But it was okay because Ricki was sick and needed to go to bed. So she went to bed and Lauren and I stayed up while she did homework and we waited on her family to get home.
Once they got there we sat around and talked for a while. Her family is pretty cool, first off her little sister is awesome! She makes me laugh so hard! She also looks like a carbon copy of Angela Free from about eight years ago...
Her older sister and her husband are pretty cool too. Her older sister reminds me a lot of Dana Paxton's older sister, and that kinda freaked me out at first, but I got over it. Her dad and mom are just cool cats. Funny, smart, down to earth people that are easy to talk to and accepting of others.
Anywho, went to bed, got up and went to the Run (walk) and there we met up with Alyssa and Joyce Hauck, (haven't seen them in years) met Byron's wife again. We ended up walking part of the 5k and the 1 mile. (they did several different walks at different times in the morning)
After the walk we all headed home and relaxed for a while, then once the whole group was reassembled, we had some really good beef brisket and tater salad. After lunch it was relax and nap time! :) The rest of the Saturday was spent just relaxing, talking, and watching movies. (the home movies were hilarious!)
Finally the time came for me to leave, I dressed up for the ride home and hit the road. It was a crazy ride home, I had been watching the weather and didn't figure I would get rained on until right when I hit OKC. But the wind was my real enemy! I was fighting a strong headwind plus crosswind gusts, it was pretty rough so I was laying on the tank most of the way. (doing 90) and sure enough, just as I predicted, it started to rain on me just when I hit the intersection of 44 and 35. Got pretty drenched in about 15 minutes of riding. But made it home safe and sound.
All in all, a great weekend

Tonight: Em's first softball game! Exciting! Tomorrow: Church (I think) Thursday: NO WORK! STATE FAIR! ZONINO! (and the first time I get to ride with Em since before Labor day)

Well, hope you enjoyed my book-post. I'll put something more up another time. (Eventually)

Lagging

Yeah, I'm running a bit behind in my posts... Just been running a bit ragged. Life is good.

 Weather finally cooled off. That makes for some chilly riding lately... but it's worth it!

Went to the river for Labor day, the ride out Monday morning was almost as frigid as the ride home Monday night... The day at the river was awesome, only downside is the sunburn I received on the tops of my feet. >.>

Haven't been able to ride with Em for a few days because she isn't riding until she gets her M on her license. She rode with me last night though and we went down and sat by the lake for an hour, it was a nice relaxing evening. We found out that out in the middle of the lake, where there is usually a lot of water... there is what used to be a concrete bridge... apparently when they put up the Dam, they didn't figure it was necessary to remove it and just let it stay.

I've been having a lot of things make me think about children lately... First it was a dream the other night that I had three kids. Then it was a situation where I was called upon to play foster dad to an irate 10 year old. That isn't even including all of the times I interact with or see kids that makes me wish I had my own. I want to be a father, but I want to be ready to be. If that makes any sense. But the way things are going currently, I don't think I'll be having kids any time soon.

I have to keep rolling, can't get bogged down and get stuck in a rut. I'm in a good place right now, I just have to stay happy and keep working my way up and out. Bills, Life, People, all are important, I just have to keep learning to balance them.

Pettiness is a big pet peeve of mine... Just saying.

I don't know... I just... Don't know what to put down here. I want to be able to spill out my brains on here (that could get messy) but there is only one place/situation/time I am comfortable doing that.

I have a couple of faithful readers, to you, I just hope you don't grow bored with my usual idiocy.

Musing

Yeah that's right. I'm in that mood again. Scary I know. Work is being kinda stressful this week. Which means I've been trying to relax and have been staying up too late... so I'm operating on too little sleep. It caught up with me today, I was sick most of the day and ended up coming home from work and going straight into a 2 hour nap which was great. Now I'm in a odd mood. Feeling that odd need to go, do, see... I want to go see something new, I want to do something new. I want to spend time with people I care about. I want to shift my focus again. Have a time machine handy? Do you ever wish you could go back say... 10 years and do some things over? I do. I would be happy if I could just send myself a message 10 years ago. I know exactly what I would say. But what I don't know is how it would change my life today. Because my life would be so drastically different. But I must wonder, if I were able to make those changes... who is to say that I wouldn't have had similar problems to the ones I have had? Everything seems so simple, but it really isn't. Because I am who I am because of the mistakes I've made. I am better for them. I am thankful for the paths I have trod. I don't want to work for a mega company for the rest of my life. I want to have a job where my "job" is something that I do... not something that hundreds of other people do... I want to stay in this field... but not in this job. If that makes sense. This post is confusing. I might change the title of the post since I have other thoughts I might prefer to label as musings.