Secrets Redux

I was wrong. Another example of my poor judgment.

Back to no secrets worth keeping.

I'm too easily played.

Loveable

That is something no one has ever accused me of being.
I'm pretty sure if they did, it would only be a friendly ploy of encouragement, and not so much the truth.
There are more things about me to dislike than to like, I recognize this and share in the dislike of myself.
Don't try to get close to me, there is only a short list of outcomes, and none of them pleasant.

Ah tomorrow; another day alone.

Secrets

I've never been one for secrets.
I've never found one worth keeping.
Never wanted to keep one.
Not until I found you.

You can be my secret.

Bits and Pieces

Were you listening when I screamed out your name?
Can you even hear me?
Do you see my pain?

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I heard you.
I was listening.
I see you.

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I know it that it should not be.
I know what others see.
I know that am not capable of this.
I know that something is amiss.

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All these thoughts in my head
They bring me round and fill me with dread.

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What is your story?
I want to know your story.
Won't you tell me?

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Can I write your story?

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Spicks and Specks!

Significance

Sometimes I lose mine.

I am here

I want to tell you a story, to have you rapt and focused upon my every word.
I want to see you leaning in as I weave the details and spin the plot as something tangible.
I want to know that I am reaching you with my words, that I am impacting you in a way that will last.
I want to teach you my story. I want you to see what I have seen.
I want to teach you so that you don't have to learn the hard way.
I want to join the words and diction in a way that holds you mesmerized within my ability to speak.
I want to learn how to tell you in words that you will understand.
I want you to listen when I speak, and value that which I tell you.

I am here.

I always listen. I'm always ready to be whatever you need me to be.
There may be times when I would wish to be anywhere else.
But for you I will remain, and you will never know of my reticence.
I am dedicated. I am honest. I am transparent.
Ah but therein lies the complication.
I hurt. I bleed. I suffer.
You must earn the right to be a part of my hidden unhappiness.
I will share my entire life and soul with you.
But you truly know me when I show you my scars and my wounds.

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Let me be here for you.
I see your pain.
I see the emptiness in your eyes.
I see the way you glance at people out of the corner of your eye to see if they are watching you and to see if they are staying consistent.
I see the hunger for fulfillment and love.
I know how your heart aches with every beat.
I know how your head begins to spin and you feel empty and broken every time you think about the future.
I know.
I understand.
But I don't know how to help you.
If you let me in. I will pour out this love that I have and I will lend you solace in your pain.
There have been times when you look at me and I see you begging me to say something, and all I am able to do is hug you and tell you that I do, honestly love you, and that God is shaping this part of your life so that you will have a better ministry in the future.
But most of the time your eyes just fall and you turn away.
I offer.
I wait.
I pray.
I am here.

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Dear God show me how to use these few talents I have to help this hurting child. My heart aches with the pain I know they feel. Dear God grant me Your wisdom so that I may help them to yield their broken vessel to you for healing.
Use me.
Pour me out and cast me aside.
But do not let this one fall away.

All I know

Stability? What is that?

I'm ready for some stability in my life. For a regular rhythm of being able to pay my bills, get ahead, not be jerked around by work, people, circumstances, and events.

Yes, I know that this is "real life" and that things are rarely "consistent" just because of the way life works. But there is a balance to be found. Mine just doesn't exist yet.

I don't have a whole lot of hope in any of the facets of my life right now. I am stuck in a dead end job that though I enjoy it, it is stressful and I hate the constant pressure. I've been trying to find another job for four months now with no luck. (Yes I know, four months is nothing) I'm barely paying my bills, with no end to this difficulty in sight. I have no car, so getting to work in the inclement weather is a hassle. I'm looking to buy one, but that ties in with the last two... job and bills... After a few lovely conversations over the last several weeks, the fires of future hopes have been doused with a cool bucket of reality, and I am forced to face a quiet, solitary outlook on things.

Not that I am complaining per se... Just expressing my opinions of life in general. Which are slightly bitter.

Do you even remember?

Do you? Or have you become so accustomed to things now that you don't even remember?

When was the last time you were actually satisfied with me, the way that I am, the things that I do?

Am I never going to be good enough for you?

Am I never going to DO enough for you?

Am I never going to make you happy?

I am who, and what I am. Don't try to "fix" me.

So dumb

Sometimes I think to myself, but then I realize how dumb it is and I just have to laugh, because it really doesn't make any sense.

Why do I do this to myself? I think I am subconsciously punishing myself. Who knows?

I know I'm doing it, but does that mean I'll stop or change? Not likely!

Prayer for 2012

Dear Father, guide me in Your way. Help me to follow Your voice and to learn to submit myself to you.

Teach me to allow you to fill this loneliness in my heart, take my desire for self, and I will focus my passions on you. Help me to dedicate my life to you as Paul, in total abandon of flesh and indentured servitude to you.

Help me to be more effective in Your kingdom this year, so that others may come to You through me.

Satisfy my desires with Your Will, and light me anew to burn for you.

Father, use me as your vessel.

I don't understand

Why people who hate me and/or can't stand me, still visit my blog on such a regular basis.

I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.

You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.

So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.

I'm done putting up with foolishness.

Here it comes

Whether you are ready or not, the new year is upon us!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.

Here goes!

Holiday Pressures

Sitting here at work on the Friday before Christmas eve. Haven't taken a call all morning, probly won't take more than 5 today. Gonna be a long day...

I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.

The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.

For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.

This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.

But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.

You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.

That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)

Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect  your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.

Christmas is hard for me this year.

Tired tidbits

It's funny the roles that people play. It's even funnier the rules that we play.

Why am I so hard for people to handle?

Why do I get into silly situations?

Looking forward to a week off of work. Wish I had a real job

Here it comes again

That feeling I hate.
I know it is not true most of the time. I know it is a lie to bring me down.
I know I should ignore this and find my self-worth in Christ.
I know that I can rise above this.

So why is it they I can never defeat this lie?
Why do I let this bring me down? Why can I not translate my knowledge into faith and victory?
Why do I fail to overcome this?

Does this point to my history of failures?
Am I going to face a pattern of failures the rest of my life?
If so, it will cause me to change my life goals completely.

I hate feeling like I force myself on people, especially my friends.
It makes me pull away and stop talking to them unless they initiate.
It makes me reclusive and reluctant to share for fear that they don't really care...

I didn't miss not having a phone very much, my phone is convenient for me, not a necessity. (I did get a very nice phone by the way, God blessed me)
What made me sad about not having a phone, was not being missed. Most people didn't even notice I didn't have a phone for two weeks.
How sad is your existence when you can drop off the face of the earth for two weeks and not be missed? Do I really have so little an impact on people's lives?

Yes I know that this is a self piteous and whining post, but it's better to put it on here than to spew about it out loud.

So if you find me less talkative, or less social, just ignore me, it's just me wallowing in self pity.

I've been working at it, but my self esteem is still at an all time low.

No Phone = Not Bad

So... I haven't had a phone since Tuesday... and quite honestly it isn't too bad... Like I mentioned before, there are three people that I talk to every day, other than that, I really don't talk to very many people at all.
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.

But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.

Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.

Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)

Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.

Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)

Life these days

Is just neh...
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.

Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.

Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.

I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...

My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.

Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(

Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.

First December post...yay!

How exactly?

Am I supposed to address what I am thinking and feeling if I can't actually put my finger on it? I have no idea how to define the moods I have been in or what has caused them. I want to be able to move past this... But how can I when I don't know what IT is?
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.

Patience

Time, though swiftly passing by, does not require the haste we place on every moment.We live lives that are so full of things, people, places, and stuff that we rarely take the time to slow down and just relax and recharge.
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.

Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.

With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"

I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.

So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!