I don't understand

Why people who hate me and/or can't stand me, still visit my blog on such a regular basis.

I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.

You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.

So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.

I'm done putting up with foolishness.

Here it comes

Whether you are ready or not, the new year is upon us!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.

Here goes!

Holiday Pressures

Sitting here at work on the Friday before Christmas eve. Haven't taken a call all morning, probly won't take more than 5 today. Gonna be a long day...

I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.

The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.

For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.

This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.

But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.

You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.

That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)

Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect  your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.

Christmas is hard for me this year.

Tired tidbits

It's funny the roles that people play. It's even funnier the rules that we play.

Why am I so hard for people to handle?

Why do I get into silly situations?

Looking forward to a week off of work. Wish I had a real job

Here it comes again

That feeling I hate.
I know it is not true most of the time. I know it is a lie to bring me down.
I know I should ignore this and find my self-worth in Christ.
I know that I can rise above this.

So why is it they I can never defeat this lie?
Why do I let this bring me down? Why can I not translate my knowledge into faith and victory?
Why do I fail to overcome this?

Does this point to my history of failures?
Am I going to face a pattern of failures the rest of my life?
If so, it will cause me to change my life goals completely.

I hate feeling like I force myself on people, especially my friends.
It makes me pull away and stop talking to them unless they initiate.
It makes me reclusive and reluctant to share for fear that they don't really care...

I didn't miss not having a phone very much, my phone is convenient for me, not a necessity. (I did get a very nice phone by the way, God blessed me)
What made me sad about not having a phone, was not being missed. Most people didn't even notice I didn't have a phone for two weeks.
How sad is your existence when you can drop off the face of the earth for two weeks and not be missed? Do I really have so little an impact on people's lives?

Yes I know that this is a self piteous and whining post, but it's better to put it on here than to spew about it out loud.

So if you find me less talkative, or less social, just ignore me, it's just me wallowing in self pity.

I've been working at it, but my self esteem is still at an all time low.

No Phone = Not Bad

So... I haven't had a phone since Tuesday... and quite honestly it isn't too bad... Like I mentioned before, there are three people that I talk to every day, other than that, I really don't talk to very many people at all.
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.

But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.

Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.

Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)

Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.

Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)

Life these days

Is just neh...
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.

Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.

Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.

I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...

My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.

Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(

Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.

First December post...yay!