I don't understand

Why people who hate me and/or can't stand me, still visit my blog on such a regular basis.

I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.

You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.

So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.

I'm done putting up with foolishness.

Here it comes

Whether you are ready or not, the new year is upon us!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.

Here goes!

Holiday Pressures

Sitting here at work on the Friday before Christmas eve. Haven't taken a call all morning, probly won't take more than 5 today. Gonna be a long day...

I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.

The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.

For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.

This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.

But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.

You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.

That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)

Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect  your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.

Christmas is hard for me this year.

Tired tidbits

It's funny the roles that people play. It's even funnier the rules that we play.

Why am I so hard for people to handle?

Why do I get into silly situations?

Looking forward to a week off of work. Wish I had a real job

Here it comes again

That feeling I hate.
I know it is not true most of the time. I know it is a lie to bring me down.
I know I should ignore this and find my self-worth in Christ.
I know that I can rise above this.

So why is it they I can never defeat this lie?
Why do I let this bring me down? Why can I not translate my knowledge into faith and victory?
Why do I fail to overcome this?

Does this point to my history of failures?
Am I going to face a pattern of failures the rest of my life?
If so, it will cause me to change my life goals completely.

I hate feeling like I force myself on people, especially my friends.
It makes me pull away and stop talking to them unless they initiate.
It makes me reclusive and reluctant to share for fear that they don't really care...

I didn't miss not having a phone very much, my phone is convenient for me, not a necessity. (I did get a very nice phone by the way, God blessed me)
What made me sad about not having a phone, was not being missed. Most people didn't even notice I didn't have a phone for two weeks.
How sad is your existence when you can drop off the face of the earth for two weeks and not be missed? Do I really have so little an impact on people's lives?

Yes I know that this is a self piteous and whining post, but it's better to put it on here than to spew about it out loud.

So if you find me less talkative, or less social, just ignore me, it's just me wallowing in self pity.

I've been working at it, but my self esteem is still at an all time low.

No Phone = Not Bad

So... I haven't had a phone since Tuesday... and quite honestly it isn't too bad... Like I mentioned before, there are three people that I talk to every day, other than that, I really don't talk to very many people at all.
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.

But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.

Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.

Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)

Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.

Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)

Life these days

Is just neh...
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.

Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.

Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.

I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...

My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.

Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(

Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.

First December post...yay!

How exactly?

Am I supposed to address what I am thinking and feeling if I can't actually put my finger on it? I have no idea how to define the moods I have been in or what has caused them. I want to be able to move past this... But how can I when I don't know what IT is?
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.

Patience

Time, though swiftly passing by, does not require the haste we place on every moment.We live lives that are so full of things, people, places, and stuff that we rarely take the time to slow down and just relax and recharge.
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.

Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.

With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"

I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.

So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!

Understanding

Do you comprehend understanding? How do you define understanding? I smile as I type. Do you understand understanding?

There are many definitions of the word, and I would venture to say that not many people are truly enlightened as to what it means to truly understand something or someone.

In our lives I think that it is rare to find that you understand yourself, much less those around you and you can only count on one person being able to truly comprehend what it is that makes you who you are. That one person is your Creator. I think it is possible to find someone who understands you, and who you are, but I think that it happens so rarely that it is not believed.

As humans, we all have a desire to understand and be understood. But that desire is very rarely sated in a healthy manner. This is very similar to our desire to love and be loved.

Finding a person who fits into your life is not an easy task, and the road you must travel to find that person is often long and has many twists and turns... sometimes it even loops back to a place you had ignored before. But still we all (most) labor on in the hopes of finding that person who we can understand and who understands us.

That level of understanding leads to one of two results; either that person loves and accepts all of you, or they begin to hold you in contempt and attempt to take advantage of you.

When you find the person who understands the essence of who you are, and still accepts you, and finds it within themselves to love you in spite of all of the faults and failings they can see in you, hold on to that person. Don't let them go, because the odds are that you will never find another.

Possibly more to say on this at a later date.
But how would I keep people from believing I had lied to them?
Just know that sometimes facts change.

What's in your eyes?

This has been going around in my head a lot over the last few weeks. I can't get it out of my head.

I have always been a person who makes eye contact, it just seems to me like it should be a common part of communication. But in the world we live in, we are so "socialized" with media, smart phones, Facebook, twitter, etc, that we have lost the ability to communicate honestly and clearly.

I make eye contact when I am talking to you. I have nothing to hide. I know that some people see this as flirting. I know that others are made uncomfortable. But it's what I do.
Having said that, I see a lot in people's eyes.

Most often the eyes that I see are the "dead" eyes. Eyes of people who have no hope, no light in their lives that give them a reason to wake up each day. Those people make me hurt.

I also see the "hurt" eyes. The people who have had some unspeakable pain inflicted upon them whether in their hearts and minds, or physically. These people have my heart.

I see the "needy" eyes. People who want to love and to be loved, they desire love and acceptance to counter the neglect they have felt in the past. I want to pour love into these people.

I see the "fearing" eyes. Always afraid of those around them, in one way or another they fear what others are trying to take from them or do to them. Sometimes this fear is irrational, yet sadly, other times there is a reason for this fear. I want to teach these people trust.

I see the "loving" eyes. The eyes of the people who love those around them and long to show that love that God has given them. These people encourage me.

I see eyes of people who are "whole" and who are able to meet your eyes and are happy (or at least content) where they are and they have a wholesome relationship with God and their peers and it shows in their eyes.
These people give me hope.

I see "searching" eyes. These people are looking for a hope and a light to fill their eyes. They want to find something that will fulfill their soul and their desires.
I want to teach these people.

I see more than most people do. Sometimes this may be based upon impressions, but I think that often it is accurate and reflects who these people are. I want to be able to use what I know to help people, but I don't always have the ability, the right, the desire, the courage to do so.

I just trust God to show me His timing and to be able to do what He desires of me when that time comes.

Dreamer?

Hurray for, a child that makes it through.
If someone longs, strives, hopes, dreams pushes for something that is clearly impossible, with no hope of being possible, does that make them a dreamer? Hopeless? a Madman? A fool? An innovator? A visionary?
What about someone who accepts the inevitable and chooses to live with things as they are, does that make them complacent? Unmotivated? Uninterested? Wise? Content?
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Hi Lauren

Would it Matter?

Watch "Skillet - Would It Matter (Lyrics)" on YouTube

Missionary music.

There is plenty of good quality music to communicate the message of missions.
We don't have to rewrite hymns with corny, cliches of missionary intent.
This is my belief.

Meet Joe Black

I've never seen the movie... but found this quote and found it interesting.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows, lightning could strike.

Another day

My shoulders squared to carry the load.
My eyes uplifted to find the strength.
My chin raised to lighten the mood.
My feet ready to walk the road.
My hands prepared to earn my way.
My mouth accustomed to bitter defeat.
My back weary from feeling the blows.
Another day comes, another day goes.

******************

Well that started out nicely... But ended on a dreary note. Kinda matches my mood today though.

A thousand years.

Oranges are my favorite. But I like Apples a lot.

I know

That this means nothing to most people.
But when I find it hard to express what I am thinking/feeling.
I find a song.

I use music to communicate what I am thinking and feeling.
So if you are ever wondering where I am and what is going on in my life.
Look at my facebook.
I post so many songs on there that I am sure I annoy people.
I know most people just ignore the music that I post.
But I wish some people would listen to them.
Ah well.

"Broke & Ugly"

... That was what his sign said.

None of the usual "anything helps" or "God Bless" just a simple message describing his current conditions.
He felt no need to lie or to try to manipulate people. He was just out of options. He hated himself like he hated every single minute he stood there on the corner.

He carried an old backpack hanging loosely on his right shoulder. At one time it had been navy blue, and might have even carried the Old Navy logo, but now it is so faded that you can hardly tell it was blue. His clothes were neat, though noticeably worn and thin. He wore several shirts, with a faded checked flannel shirt over them.
His jeans had holes and you could see that he was wearing another pair under them. Worn, mismatch combat boots and a ratty baseball cap completed his ensemble as he stood there watching people pass with the windows up in their cars.

The slight satire of his cardboard sign reflected his outlook on life, his ability to find humor in all things. Yes, he needed money, yes he hadn't had a good meal in almost two days, but he wasn't going to outright beg for money. Just let people know that he was broke, and as for the second part of the sign.. Well, he wasn't being entirely humorous when he wrote it. He thought of what people see when they look at him; A small, slant shouldered man in his mid fifties, hair that was once a dark brown now mostly gray. A large, unkempt beard reaches several inches below his chin. Missing teeth make his rare smile one that most wouldn't find attractive. Only the eyes in his grizzled, weather worn face look bright.

So he stands, waiting, praying for a break that will change his life again.

Holding his sign that says: "Broke & Ugly"

****************************

Based upon the encounter I had with a homeless guy this morning...

Homeless Guy: Let me ride that bike!
Me: Nope, I don't really let many people ride her.
HG: C'mon man, I'll take care of her, let me ride!
Me: No sir, sorry.
HG: I got a good looking ol' lady, you can have her! Fair trade!
Me: Nah, this girl is plenty for me!
HG: I'm just messing man. (Holds out fist for fist bump)

And off I go...
It was interesting.

I do not like

This quote:

Some people are meant to fall in love with each other,
But not meant to be together.

Just saying.