Too Late

I feel as though I am just now becoming the man that I should have been so many years ago.

And yet... I know that I am still not the man I need to be.

It's all still too little, too late.

For that, I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

Provisions

In all my years, the trust and faith that I have placed in my Creator has never been in vain!

I am not always as thankful as I should be, but I don't ever want to be thought ungrateful...
Here's a little story:

Early last week, I discovered that I actually have two accounts/bills with the medical institute I have been seeing about my eye... which means that I am 90 days behind on payments for one of them.
I discovered this after I had already made payments to the other account and thought I was doing pretty good keeping up with the bills from my surgery.

To make a long story a little bit shorter, I need to make a payment of $200 ASAP to that second bill to keep it from being turned over to collections.. and I'm out of money until the first of the month. Since there's nothing I could do, I decided to pray about it and trust that God would make it possible for me to be a good steward of His resources, and to still make the payments I need to.

Fast forward to the weekend, I have completely forgotten about it, because God has never let me down when I needed Him.

Sunday morning after church, someone handed me this.

I am humbled yet again. My God knows my needs, and when I am unable, He shows me that He is able to provide and that He is in control.

Things I don't do.

I don't drink or swear.

But tonight, I want to do both.

A lot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Z5PxcQ6690&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Need

It's always nice to be needed.

Why is it never okay for roles to be reversed?

Mama Said

From an early age, I remember how hard mom worked for all eight of us kids.

She wasn't perfect. But she did her best with God's help to raise us all alone.

All 8 of us were homeschooled.

All 8 of us are adults now. Two have families of their own. Two are still in college. We all love and respect our mother, we are all individuals and have our differences. We don't always get along, we argue, we fight, between us as siblings, and sometimes with mom. But through it all we are a tight-knit family unit who dearly loves each other.

I sneaked a picture of her the other day and posted it on Google+ and jokingly said that more than a few of her gray/white hairs were thanks to me... But I was being more serious than I usually admit...

See, when I was in college I got involved with a girl. But that relationship caused strain between mom and I, and I said and did a lot of really hurtful and wrong things that severely damaged our relationship. I am ashamed of some of the things that I said to her, and I am ashamed of the way I treated my whole family over that relationship.

Needless to say, that involvement didn't turn out the way I expected, and I realized how wrong I had been, and I started praying, and trying to find a way to repair the damage I had done to my family relationships.

God can heal any wound, and He is faithful and forgiving. I was able to heal my family relationships, and I was able to cultivate a great new relationship with my mom. I even moved back home when things went bad for the family financially and I am still here lending a hand and helping put two kids through college.

Tonight I surprised my mom with a trip to go see Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Best of Both Worlds in theatres. ( http://goo.gl/i52EO ) because she has always loved TNG and I thought this would be a nice random thing for her to just relax and enjoy.

I praise God every day for our restored relationship, and I am thankful that my relationship with my mother didn't continue following the tenor of this song.

Better

I won't post this anywhere else, because I'd get too much flak for what I have to say, and I don't feel like dealing with the various responses I'd get.

At least here I know only one or two people will ever see it or care.

-----------------------

I stumbled across this post on Google+ today, and it really made me stop and think.

https://plus.google.com/u/1/112022983294967948367/posts/KBx3v3WhPmp

This guy, as far as I know isn't even a Christian, but he is doing a far better job at being a father than my dad ever was.

My reactions are as follows:

1. I wish my father had cared enough to put forth this kind of effort with his kids.

2. How much more could this guy do, how much better of a father could he be with Christ as his guide?

3. Will I be able to be this kind of father?

4. Will I ever get the chance to find out?

Will I be better?
Is it better that I never find out?

Defeat

Every now and then, I have a rare moment when I feel happy and content with who I am...

But those moments never last and are quickly replaced by feelings of dislike and distrust for myself.

Daydreams

"It's a cold and blustery day, I need a nap."

"It snowed a little earlier, I need one too."

You make the Hot Cocoa
I'll start the fire.

You grab the blankets
I'll build it higher.

You take the couch
I'll take the chair.

We'll sit and talk
and drift off together.

Riding

I am very ready for consistently warm weather.. I need to be riding again.

Being alone is more bearable when I'm riding.

Walls

Beware of barriers willingly built, for their strength is unparalleled.

Beyond All Measure

I have been blessed.

Me

In a recent conversation, I was pointing out facets of my personality and character to make a point. Here is how it came out:

I am a starter, not a maintainer.
I am a mentor, not a teacher.
I am an example, not a leader.
I am a show-er, not a talker.
I am a support, not a facade.
I am a foundation, not an awning.

These things are part of who I am. I cannot change them, but I can and often do work around them to fulfill the needs around me. But to do so for long periods of time becomes taxing and sometimes tedious.

I just pray for Grace to continue.

Stupid

People.
Life.
Things.
Stuff.
Situations.
Finances.
Emotions.
Feelings.
Thoughts.
Responsibilities.
Duties.
Heart.
Mind.
Body.
Love.
Places.

Ingress

I haven't written anything in a long, long time, so when I got the urge to write last night I was a bit surprised.
Surprisingly enough, that urge stayed with me through to today... so here it is:

--------------------------------------------


I've always heard the voices.

As a child I thought that everyone heard them, so I never mentioned it. But as I grew older I realized that what I was hearing was unique to me. Those voices telling me I needed to visit certain places, or do something I had never considered before.

At first they were nearly impossible to resist, I felt compelled to obey them and their draw on my psyche. As I have matured, I have learned to tune them out, much like you would do with the excess noise in a crowded room. I am able to operate as a normal person without the voices affecting me too greatly.

Then everything changed.

I was just sitting at my computer at work browsing through my Google + stream and suddenly I felt a sharp stabbing pain behind my eyes as I heard the voices tear down all of my mental defenses. I could do nothing to resist them as I was almost forced to follow the series of posts about #ingress .

The voices suddenly became clearer, the more I read the more I understood, I had finally discovered what caused them: The Shapers, and their insidious method of invading our minds, a  "mind virus" if you will. At last I knew what I had to do about the voices in my head.

I never had a choice whether or not to resist

But that's all changed now. The voices are still there, and they still try to control me. But now I am the master, I use them as the Shapers desired to use me.

I maintain a casual stroll as I approach

The voices tell me it's there, but I already know. I can see them now, and though the voices pull me towards the shimmering grey portal, I know what I have to do... I glance down at my scanner, stopping just within range I fire my most powerful burster and muster a half smile as the only resonator falls.  I look around furtively to be sure I am still safe as I quickly hack the portal.
My resonators are carefully placed and shields in place as I walk away, headed for the next portal. I can't see this one yet, but the voices tell me it's there.

I don't understand

Why this Mind Virus hasn't " #enlightened " me, but I am grateful that I am able to use it for the #resistance .

I don't know who will ever read this, and I don't know if it will make a difference, but if any who read it are infected, I encourage you: Fight them!

You don't have to surrender your individuality to another force

You can RESIST!

Better

Some answers are better left unknown.

Some questions better left unasked.

Sometimes it's better not to know.

Gypped

A few weeks ago I jokingly told my mother that I felt I had been gypped on intelligence. (Reasoning below)

I have begun to think that maybe I was right...

-----------------------------

See, I've got 7 siblings. That means 8 of us total. So here is my reasoning:

Mom knew she was going to have a bunch of kids, so she stored up a bunch of intelligence to give them, and when my oldest brother came along, he got a good dose. (He's wicked smart... CNO at TypeFrag.com or something like that. He also taught for Microsoft.)

Then comes my oldest sister, and she got a good dose too. (Master's degree in some sort of child development/counselling)

Then my next oldest brother, and he got a good dose. (4+ degrees, deployed Navy Reserves)

Then another brother, a good dose for him. (2 degrees, IT support at the corporate offices of one of the biggest car dealerships in Oklahoma. AND musically talented beyond imagination.)

Then another sister, and she got a good dose. (Going for equine surgeon, musically talented.)

Now that's five kids right there, all with good doses of intelligence, and I think maybe mom didn't realize just how much she had given each of them... Because then I come along at number six, and I get the dregs of the lot.

At this point, mom realizes her mistake, and builds up a bunch more intelligence for the next kids to come along. (Too late for me)

Younger brother = Great dose! Smartest of the lot, I think he got intelligence equal to three of the others... 

Younger sister = good dose! 

Both of the younger are currently in college, and are going to go much farther than I ever will.

So I was just the unlucky number 6.

Gypped. :/

Idiocy

...one of the few things I excel at.

I might as well have pulled out my knife and stabbed myself in the chest.

Signature

He looked slowly around the room taking in the faces, letting the silence settle and waiting for someone to speak up. When no one seemed inclined to speak, he made a statement and asked a question.

Twenty minutes later, he put his signature on six pieces of paper.

As he signed them, he suddenly thought "My signature decides how the rest of this man's life will be lived."

----------------------------------------------

My world was shaken today.

Still trying to shake it off.

Options

I spend the majority of my time one of two ways...

I am either:
1. Being completely ignored
or
2. Being the central focus of awkward and unwanted attention

I much prefer the former, so I'd like to just go and live out my days peacefully in a desert somewhere.