I don't understand

Why people who hate me and/or can't stand me, still visit my blog on such a regular basis.

I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.

You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.

So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.

I'm done putting up with foolishness.

Here it comes

Whether you are ready or not, the new year is upon us!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.

Here goes!

Holiday Pressures

Sitting here at work on the Friday before Christmas eve. Haven't taken a call all morning, probly won't take more than 5 today. Gonna be a long day...

I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.

The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.

For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.

This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.

But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.

You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.

That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)

Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect  your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.

Christmas is hard for me this year.

Tired tidbits

It's funny the roles that people play. It's even funnier the rules that we play.

Why am I so hard for people to handle?

Why do I get into silly situations?

Looking forward to a week off of work. Wish I had a real job

Here it comes again

That feeling I hate.
I know it is not true most of the time. I know it is a lie to bring me down.
I know I should ignore this and find my self-worth in Christ.
I know that I can rise above this.

So why is it they I can never defeat this lie?
Why do I let this bring me down? Why can I not translate my knowledge into faith and victory?
Why do I fail to overcome this?

Does this point to my history of failures?
Am I going to face a pattern of failures the rest of my life?
If so, it will cause me to change my life goals completely.

I hate feeling like I force myself on people, especially my friends.
It makes me pull away and stop talking to them unless they initiate.
It makes me reclusive and reluctant to share for fear that they don't really care...

I didn't miss not having a phone very much, my phone is convenient for me, not a necessity. (I did get a very nice phone by the way, God blessed me)
What made me sad about not having a phone, was not being missed. Most people didn't even notice I didn't have a phone for two weeks.
How sad is your existence when you can drop off the face of the earth for two weeks and not be missed? Do I really have so little an impact on people's lives?

Yes I know that this is a self piteous and whining post, but it's better to put it on here than to spew about it out loud.

So if you find me less talkative, or less social, just ignore me, it's just me wallowing in self pity.

I've been working at it, but my self esteem is still at an all time low.

No Phone = Not Bad

So... I haven't had a phone since Tuesday... and quite honestly it isn't too bad... Like I mentioned before, there are three people that I talk to every day, other than that, I really don't talk to very many people at all.
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.

But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.

Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.

Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)

Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.

Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)

Life these days

Is just neh...
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.

Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.

Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.

I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...

My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.

Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(

Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.

First December post...yay!

How exactly?

Am I supposed to address what I am thinking and feeling if I can't actually put my finger on it? I have no idea how to define the moods I have been in or what has caused them. I want to be able to move past this... But how can I when I don't know what IT is?
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.

Patience

Time, though swiftly passing by, does not require the haste we place on every moment.We live lives that are so full of things, people, places, and stuff that we rarely take the time to slow down and just relax and recharge.
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.

Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.

With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"

I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.

So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!

Understanding

Do you comprehend understanding? How do you define understanding? I smile as I type. Do you understand understanding?

There are many definitions of the word, and I would venture to say that not many people are truly enlightened as to what it means to truly understand something or someone.

In our lives I think that it is rare to find that you understand yourself, much less those around you and you can only count on one person being able to truly comprehend what it is that makes you who you are. That one person is your Creator. I think it is possible to find someone who understands you, and who you are, but I think that it happens so rarely that it is not believed.

As humans, we all have a desire to understand and be understood. But that desire is very rarely sated in a healthy manner. This is very similar to our desire to love and be loved.

Finding a person who fits into your life is not an easy task, and the road you must travel to find that person is often long and has many twists and turns... sometimes it even loops back to a place you had ignored before. But still we all (most) labor on in the hopes of finding that person who we can understand and who understands us.

That level of understanding leads to one of two results; either that person loves and accepts all of you, or they begin to hold you in contempt and attempt to take advantage of you.

When you find the person who understands the essence of who you are, and still accepts you, and finds it within themselves to love you in spite of all of the faults and failings they can see in you, hold on to that person. Don't let them go, because the odds are that you will never find another.

Possibly more to say on this at a later date.
But how would I keep people from believing I had lied to them?
Just know that sometimes facts change.

What's in your eyes?

This has been going around in my head a lot over the last few weeks. I can't get it out of my head.

I have always been a person who makes eye contact, it just seems to me like it should be a common part of communication. But in the world we live in, we are so "socialized" with media, smart phones, Facebook, twitter, etc, that we have lost the ability to communicate honestly and clearly.

I make eye contact when I am talking to you. I have nothing to hide. I know that some people see this as flirting. I know that others are made uncomfortable. But it's what I do.
Having said that, I see a lot in people's eyes.

Most often the eyes that I see are the "dead" eyes. Eyes of people who have no hope, no light in their lives that give them a reason to wake up each day. Those people make me hurt.

I also see the "hurt" eyes. The people who have had some unspeakable pain inflicted upon them whether in their hearts and minds, or physically. These people have my heart.

I see the "needy" eyes. People who want to love and to be loved, they desire love and acceptance to counter the neglect they have felt in the past. I want to pour love into these people.

I see the "fearing" eyes. Always afraid of those around them, in one way or another they fear what others are trying to take from them or do to them. Sometimes this fear is irrational, yet sadly, other times there is a reason for this fear. I want to teach these people trust.

I see the "loving" eyes. The eyes of the people who love those around them and long to show that love that God has given them. These people encourage me.

I see eyes of people who are "whole" and who are able to meet your eyes and are happy (or at least content) where they are and they have a wholesome relationship with God and their peers and it shows in their eyes.
These people give me hope.

I see "searching" eyes. These people are looking for a hope and a light to fill their eyes. They want to find something that will fulfill their soul and their desires.
I want to teach these people.

I see more than most people do. Sometimes this may be based upon impressions, but I think that often it is accurate and reflects who these people are. I want to be able to use what I know to help people, but I don't always have the ability, the right, the desire, the courage to do so.

I just trust God to show me His timing and to be able to do what He desires of me when that time comes.

Dreamer?

Hurray for, a child that makes it through.
If someone longs, strives, hopes, dreams pushes for something that is clearly impossible, with no hope of being possible, does that make them a dreamer? Hopeless? a Madman? A fool? An innovator? A visionary?
What about someone who accepts the inevitable and chooses to live with things as they are, does that make them complacent? Unmotivated? Uninterested? Wise? Content?
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Hi Lauren

Would it Matter?

Watch "Skillet - Would It Matter (Lyrics)" on YouTube

Missionary music.

There is plenty of good quality music to communicate the message of missions.
We don't have to rewrite hymns with corny, cliches of missionary intent.
This is my belief.

Meet Joe Black

I've never seen the movie... but found this quote and found it interesting.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows, lightning could strike.

Another day

My shoulders squared to carry the load.
My eyes uplifted to find the strength.
My chin raised to lighten the mood.
My feet ready to walk the road.
My hands prepared to earn my way.
My mouth accustomed to bitter defeat.
My back weary from feeling the blows.
Another day comes, another day goes.

******************

Well that started out nicely... But ended on a dreary note. Kinda matches my mood today though.

A thousand years.

Oranges are my favorite. But I like Apples a lot.

I know

That this means nothing to most people.
But when I find it hard to express what I am thinking/feeling.
I find a song.

I use music to communicate what I am thinking and feeling.
So if you are ever wondering where I am and what is going on in my life.
Look at my facebook.
I post so many songs on there that I am sure I annoy people.
I know most people just ignore the music that I post.
But I wish some people would listen to them.
Ah well.

"Broke & Ugly"

... That was what his sign said.

None of the usual "anything helps" or "God Bless" just a simple message describing his current conditions.
He felt no need to lie or to try to manipulate people. He was just out of options. He hated himself like he hated every single minute he stood there on the corner.

He carried an old backpack hanging loosely on his right shoulder. At one time it had been navy blue, and might have even carried the Old Navy logo, but now it is so faded that you can hardly tell it was blue. His clothes were neat, though noticeably worn and thin. He wore several shirts, with a faded checked flannel shirt over them.
His jeans had holes and you could see that he was wearing another pair under them. Worn, mismatch combat boots and a ratty baseball cap completed his ensemble as he stood there watching people pass with the windows up in their cars.

The slight satire of his cardboard sign reflected his outlook on life, his ability to find humor in all things. Yes, he needed money, yes he hadn't had a good meal in almost two days, but he wasn't going to outright beg for money. Just let people know that he was broke, and as for the second part of the sign.. Well, he wasn't being entirely humorous when he wrote it. He thought of what people see when they look at him; A small, slant shouldered man in his mid fifties, hair that was once a dark brown now mostly gray. A large, unkempt beard reaches several inches below his chin. Missing teeth make his rare smile one that most wouldn't find attractive. Only the eyes in his grizzled, weather worn face look bright.

So he stands, waiting, praying for a break that will change his life again.

Holding his sign that says: "Broke & Ugly"

****************************

Based upon the encounter I had with a homeless guy this morning...

Homeless Guy: Let me ride that bike!
Me: Nope, I don't really let many people ride her.
HG: C'mon man, I'll take care of her, let me ride!
Me: No sir, sorry.
HG: I got a good looking ol' lady, you can have her! Fair trade!
Me: Nah, this girl is plenty for me!
HG: I'm just messing man. (Holds out fist for fist bump)

And off I go...
It was interesting.

I do not like

This quote:

Some people are meant to fall in love with each other,
But not meant to be together.

Just saying.

Choices

I often wonder the reasoning behind some people's actions. What are you hoping to find? Do you really just want to keep up? or are you looking for something more?
What goes through your mind? I don't understand. But I don't feel comfortable asking.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

                           -Robert Frost

Clearly I am faced with a choice. Being prepared for that choice and willing to live with

the consequences either way... That's the trick.

I am beginning to notice a pattern, and I don't like it. -.-

I'm dead beat tired today. Stayed up too late and didn't sleep too well. 

Might end up taking up that daily offer from a friend for an energy drink... lol

I just want to run away and sleep. Sounds like a wonderful plan. 

****EDIT****

Just found this quote, I find it interesting.

When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.

It works not because it settles the issue for you. 

But because in that brief moment when the coin

is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

Thanks... I guess...

*On the phone with an old friend*
Friend: So are you married now, or engaged, or dating or what? I haven't kept up with you.
Me: Well, Katie and I broke up, so now I'm just trying to be me and stay close to God so that He can control what happens in that aspect of my life.
Friend: Yeah that makes sense! But man, people used to say that we Mills boys were slow, I guess they had never met you Tylers...
Me: (polite laugh and move from subject)

Thanks?

Things that were

But are no more.
The clothes fill the box, they are memories of thinner, more active, more...lets just leave it at they haven't been worn in months, some of them years. The hangars are assorted, all styles, colors and types, most of them in good shape.
The clothes are laid in the box and folded over in an attempt to preserve their former neatness, except... well, except for that lump there, no not that one, the big one under the shirt there.
The clothes press down and almost smother the small thing there, but it is nothing compared to what he has experienced in the past. But then, those were happier circumstances, happier times and companions.
He chokes back a sob as he remembers and slowly works to escape the pressure on him. He finally manages to uncover part of himself, and he collapses again under the weight of the clothes.
It's been so long since he was needed, and a tear appears in his eye before being absorbed again by his cheek. These tears are not his own, but ones that he has bourne in the past for others as he held and consoled them, gave them the comfort that others could not.
But wait, do you hear that? At last! One of those companions has returned! He can hear him talking, look, look there! The shirts are moved aside! A wave of cool air washes over him as large, calloused, yet gentle hands lift him into the air.
Joy floods his heart as he remembers the better times of the past, the love and happiness that is stored with his little body from the times it could not be shared. He almost glows as it all rushes to the surface of his soft brown skin and he lovingly looks again into the face of he who owns him.
But. No! Oh why?!
There isn't happiness looking back at him! Only sadness, with a hint of pain, "oh what have I done" he wonders to himself. He doesn't understand, he only wants to love and be loved. Not cause this pain.
He is crestfallen, he hangs limply in the hands and doesn't even react when he is placed back into the box.
He is alone again, with the knowledge that for the time being, he cannot again bring joy.
He begins to weep quietly as his master walks away, he doesn't fight or lash out as the clothes begin again to take over.
But what he doesn't know, is that the initial joy on his face was noticed, it started a change in his master, and his master will soon reclaim him as a companion. There is yet hope, for he can once again be pulled from his living grave and be restored to his former place!
He sparked this story, and now...
Chesterton sleeps at my side tonight.
Yes, it's true, this story is about my stuffed monkey. But I love this little guy...

The views of others

It is interesting to find out the way other people view you. I have been having a few odd experiences with people lately, and in these happenings, it comes about that I learn how they view me. It's an interesting thing to learn, because it changes how you understand them.

Just a couple of examples.
I work with a fellow by the name of Anthony. We became acquainted through the office communicator and a group help chat that was going. Then it started that I was being tasked to do more second level work, which is what he does. We haven't really talked much about anything except work, and then one day I say to him "Yo!" and his response is "Don't ever say that again, you are one of the most educated people here." This kind of boggled my mind, as we had never discussed education or anything close. Anthony has said that to me several times in response to things like "dood" and "aight" always his response is "You are one of the most educated people here, don't do that."
And then the other day, he asked how old I was. I told him, and he said "Oh, well you are younger than I thought." I said "yeah, most people say that" and his response to that kind of blew me away... He says "Well, you dress older."
I dress older? What exactly does that mean? Besides that I'm not "cool"? I just told him that I didn't dress according to fashion, but rather what was comfortable to me. So I am now aware that how I dress affects how people determine my age. I guess.

And then just yesterday, I was talking with Someone and I was informed that I had surprised them. How? I asked. "You are more of a man than I expected."
Interesting. More of a man than what? Although I know the comparisons being made, it still makes me wonder about what was expected, and if I should do something so that others don't have the same impression of a "lesser" man.

It's fascinating the correlations people draw, all because of their past and their experiences.

Updates

Neh... Life is crazy. Just when you think you are settling down into a nice routine it throws you a curve ball that rocks you on your heels.

Things have been going pretty good. I'm working, paying the bills, enjoying Medusa almost every day. Doing small things now and then to relax.. God is still teaching me, I just have to remember to learn.

(Sorry, I know there are a lot of random statements in my posts... It's just the way my head works.)

I feel like writing a story, but I don't have the proper motivation. Had a talk with Em last night about music and how I don't feel like I am talented in music. "Just because something doesn't come easily to you, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't talented" Thanks.

This last weekend was the Susan G. Komen race for the Cure in Tulsa. I had agreed at the beginning of the summer to run the 5k... But I am such a fat lazy slob that I didn't run at all this summer to get in shape for it, so I walked it instead. :(
I rode up there Friday evening, it was cold and there were quite a few storms. So I was getting road spray the whole way there... and about 10 minutes before I got there it really started to rain on me, so I got rather wet... But Medusa does well in the rain and I didn't really have any trouble. ("There" being the Barger's house just outside of Tulsa)
Lauren and Ricki drove down from Cinci for the race, so they were there. I met Lauren's family and then I changed out of my wet clothes and Lauren, Ricki and I went to meet up with some of Lauren's friends at a sushi place. (In The Raw, decent place for serving blech stuff)
Lauren forced me to eat it... One of the rolls she ordered was pretty good, but the other wasn't so great because it had salmon in it... So we ate there with her friends and it was fun. Then we just headed back home. Ended up getting home before her family, Lauren's words were "We are home before the old people!"
But it was okay because Ricki was sick and needed to go to bed. So she went to bed and Lauren and I stayed up while she did homework and we waited on her family to get home.
Once they got there we sat around and talked for a while. Her family is pretty cool, first off her little sister is awesome! She makes me laugh so hard! She also looks like a carbon copy of Angela Free from about eight years ago...
Her older sister and her husband are pretty cool too. Her older sister reminds me a lot of Dana Paxton's older sister, and that kinda freaked me out at first, but I got over it. Her dad and mom are just cool cats. Funny, smart, down to earth people that are easy to talk to and accepting of others.
Anywho, went to bed, got up and went to the Run (walk) and there we met up with Alyssa and Joyce Hauck, (haven't seen them in years) met Byron's wife again. We ended up walking part of the 5k and the 1 mile. (they did several different walks at different times in the morning)
After the walk we all headed home and relaxed for a while, then once the whole group was reassembled, we had some really good beef brisket and tater salad. After lunch it was relax and nap time! :) The rest of the Saturday was spent just relaxing, talking, and watching movies. (the home movies were hilarious!)
Finally the time came for me to leave, I dressed up for the ride home and hit the road. It was a crazy ride home, I had been watching the weather and didn't figure I would get rained on until right when I hit OKC. But the wind was my real enemy! I was fighting a strong headwind plus crosswind gusts, it was pretty rough so I was laying on the tank most of the way. (doing 90) and sure enough, just as I predicted, it started to rain on me just when I hit the intersection of 44 and 35. Got pretty drenched in about 15 minutes of riding. But made it home safe and sound.
All in all, a great weekend

Tonight: Em's first softball game! Exciting! Tomorrow: Church (I think) Thursday: NO WORK! STATE FAIR! ZONINO! (and the first time I get to ride with Em since before Labor day)

Well, hope you enjoyed my book-post. I'll put something more up another time. (Eventually)

Lagging

Yeah, I'm running a bit behind in my posts... Just been running a bit ragged. Life is good.

 Weather finally cooled off. That makes for some chilly riding lately... but it's worth it!

Went to the river for Labor day, the ride out Monday morning was almost as frigid as the ride home Monday night... The day at the river was awesome, only downside is the sunburn I received on the tops of my feet. >.>

Haven't been able to ride with Em for a few days because she isn't riding until she gets her M on her license. She rode with me last night though and we went down and sat by the lake for an hour, it was a nice relaxing evening. We found out that out in the middle of the lake, where there is usually a lot of water... there is what used to be a concrete bridge... apparently when they put up the Dam, they didn't figure it was necessary to remove it and just let it stay.

I've been having a lot of things make me think about children lately... First it was a dream the other night that I had three kids. Then it was a situation where I was called upon to play foster dad to an irate 10 year old. That isn't even including all of the times I interact with or see kids that makes me wish I had my own. I want to be a father, but I want to be ready to be. If that makes any sense. But the way things are going currently, I don't think I'll be having kids any time soon.

I have to keep rolling, can't get bogged down and get stuck in a rut. I'm in a good place right now, I just have to stay happy and keep working my way up and out. Bills, Life, People, all are important, I just have to keep learning to balance them.

Pettiness is a big pet peeve of mine... Just saying.

I don't know... I just... Don't know what to put down here. I want to be able to spill out my brains on here (that could get messy) but there is only one place/situation/time I am comfortable doing that.

I have a couple of faithful readers, to you, I just hope you don't grow bored with my usual idiocy.

Musing

Yeah that's right. I'm in that mood again. Scary I know. Work is being kinda stressful this week. Which means I've been trying to relax and have been staying up too late... so I'm operating on too little sleep. It caught up with me today, I was sick most of the day and ended up coming home from work and going straight into a 2 hour nap which was great. Now I'm in a odd mood. Feeling that odd need to go, do, see... I want to go see something new, I want to do something new. I want to spend time with people I care about. I want to shift my focus again. Have a time machine handy? Do you ever wish you could go back say... 10 years and do some things over? I do. I would be happy if I could just send myself a message 10 years ago. I know exactly what I would say. But what I don't know is how it would change my life today. Because my life would be so drastically different. But I must wonder, if I were able to make those changes... who is to say that I wouldn't have had similar problems to the ones I have had? Everything seems so simple, but it really isn't. Because I am who I am because of the mistakes I've made. I am better for them. I am thankful for the paths I have trod. I don't want to work for a mega company for the rest of my life. I want to have a job where my "job" is something that I do... not something that hundreds of other people do... I want to stay in this field... but not in this job. If that makes sense. This post is confusing. I might change the title of the post since I have other thoughts I might prefer to label as musings.

May I?

Honesty

I come to you now with all I am honestly displayed before me.
With earnest love and unhesitating acceptance, I love who you are.
I present to you what you already hold:
My heart that is full of love and desire for your happiness.
My mind that is brimming with ideas and thoughts to share with you.
My soul that is growing every day in my love for Christ and desire to see His will in my life.
My self. Not one part of me do I withhold. There is no reason for me to.
You are good for me.

This is not anything different or anything new. Just a time for me to continue learning to express myself.
God does all things for a reason.
Don't take this wrong. Just take it for what it is; an expression of who I am.
You already know me. I don't have to tell you any of this. But it is satisfying to have it put into words.
We once had a conversation about intimacy. I wish I had kept that conversation, because I would like to share my views and opinions on intimacy and I expressed them so well (I thought) in that conversation.

There is nothing wrong with intimacy. But like I said before. Intimacy is so much more than physical or emotional. Intimacy is tied in with your mind and your soul. Most people don't understand that. Most people think that intimacy is for those in a romantic relationship, or for family. Why should we limit ourselves so? Intimacy, when shared between two friends, who both have God centered hearts, and who are willing to be honest and transparent, is a wonderful thing. God designed us to be intimate with other human beings, but sin has corrupted that intimacy from a thing of absolute beauty to something that is shied away from.
I wish I remembered all I had to say before... because it was well said.
Intimacy can be platonic and wholesome.

People assume we are married or dating. I am asked so often if we are dating or if we are just not "official" that I always have an answer ready. Our friendship is so simple. and yet the world in general assumes that we cannot merely be friends.

To that I say only that I am sorry for their simple-mindedness. Even many people that we know. They cannot grasp such things and it makes me sad for them that they have never had a friendship as pure as ours.

Sigh. There is more to this than I have said here. But the words escape me today, I lack the creativity.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Be prepared for me to respond in honesty and transparency if you choose to leave a narrow minded or idiotic comment.

****EDIT****
Pity. That's the word I was looking for earlier. I pity those who cannot grasp this.

Dreams

I have been having some strange trends in my dreams lately.

Four nights in a row I dreamt of horrible things happening to my very good friends.

Two nights in a row I dreamt of my own death.

Last night I had a crazy, wonderful, scary dream. One that I dare not share with anyone, especially the person of who I dreamt.

After almost three years of not dreaming, why are these the dreams I have?

Makes me wonder.

Rivalry

This post is just to inform you that Epic Weekend just might have a rival in this coming weekend...
Quicksilver Motorcycle Rally and Rodeo...
If it doesn't surpass Epic Weekend, it will be a tie or close second...
Countdown to departure: Six hours.
Seth, Em and I are riding up together! Should be awesome! A much more intense ride than the straight shot south that was Epic Weekend.

Last night was Bike Night down at I-240... It was in the parking lots of Old Chicago and Hooters.. It was okay, there were a lot of bikes there. But since we (Chase, Erica, and I) didn't go to get drunk... it was pretty short for us... We just walked around and looked at the bikes and then came home. Still ended up being out late and to bed late. So I'm tired today. But not too bad.

I still have to pack and do last minute prep for this weekend.
Clean Medusa, clean my helmet, pack, make sure I have everything I need. oi. :)
Life is good.

Rides

Well, long ride Friday night got cancelled, Em forgot she had plans already, plus a big storm came in. We had planned on staying up all night and watching the Perseids, but naturally we couldn't because of the storm. Made me sad, because I was seriously excited about that.

Saturday... I don't remember much about Saturday, it was pretty much a blah day. Oh, I put tags on my bike. (expensive!)
Sunday was a good day! Church was great, especially since Pastor is back from Nigeria. Then after church Em and I went for a short ride out through Yukon and then north a ways, it was highly enjoyable!

Work yesterday was pretty good... Just work mostly.
But then!
Seth and I went and got the tags for his bike! (seriously expensive!)
THEN!
We went and got the stuff and changed his oil in Rhiannon.
AND THEN!
Erica, Seth, Chase, Matt, Keith and I all rode up to Okarche and went to Eichen's (Eichen's, not elchens) which was awesome! Loved the ride up there! A ton of fun! They serve some really good fried chicken and some amazing fried okra! When you order a drink though... they bring you a foam cup with a bit of ice and a can of pop...wow...
The ride back was fun, six of us having fun and cruising down the road... absolutely loved it!
We took Em home and stood talking in her driveway with Chase for a while, that was fun. :)

Ah! God is good! I love the blessings He gives me every day!

Work is nicely slow this morning... almost half an hour into my shift and still no calls...

Not looking forward to the rest of today though. Well, I kinda am... I get almost three hours "off" work while still getting paid. That's nice! I have to go take my A+ test today. oi. no funz. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll pass... It's just a bit of a worry. :(

You, who I will be speaking with later today. I am sorry. Very sorry. I am not pleased at all. I'm not so selfish as to be happy about this. I will continue to pray for you. Remember that God is in control and you, as long as you are walking in the Light that He grants you, will be nestled safe in his hands.

I'm sleepy today, that's the only downside of amazing rides... getting home late. :)

Words

(NASB)Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.

People say some stupid things.
Including me.

Teenage boys yell stupid things at girls from their cars.
Young men say stupid things quietly.
Young men are fools.
Teenage boys are just idiots.

Which is better?

I try very hard to be sure I say the right things.
Even harder to make sure I don't say the wrong things.
But still those stupid words sometimes slip out of my mouth. (or in this case, my fingers)

Whap! Bang! Bounce! Whang!

Sigh.
I'm sorry again.
Please forgive me.

==========

And for you, who I just got off the phone with, remember your promises. I am praying for you.

Nobody

Who am I?
Nobody.
Who do I feel like?
Nobody.
Who loves me?
Somebody.
Who is that person?
God.
Who changes that?
Nobody.

----------

I find it interesting the things that I get myself into...
I am currently sitting in a Teamspeak channel with more than 30 other people listening to a monthly meeting of our gaming clan... This clan is a registered 501C3 charity and somehow I find myself in the officers of this organization..
Makes me "ctm"

----------

I love music... I just can't get enough.

-----------

I have a headache... and I'm hungry.
Not. Cool.
Except the hungry part... that is good.

----------

This is an odd post.
Had a nice short ride with Em tonight.
Probly going on a long ride tomorrow night with her since Lenoh is letting young females invade the house...

Turmoil

Over the roiling sea in my breast,
God casts a net that calms and rests.
As my mind lists the uncertainties,
God walks to me on troubled seas.
My lonely heart cries out and brings a scowl,
With my Lord there are no sorrows now.
"Lord!" I cry, "My needs are great!"
He fixes me with knowing stare,
For He sees all from Mercy Seat.
My pains cannot compare,
To what He felt while hanging there.
I give my all and lean on Him,
I need not fear when sight grows dim.

I'm not cool but that's okay

Hrmm...
Work has been crazy this last couple of weeks... between being live on the phones, VBS, and riding with Em. My days have been very very full.

I'm finally getting into the swing of things... I am adjusting to my new schedule. (0600-1500) It's tough.. but I do apparently need to go to bed at about nine or ten every night.
I'm getting used to the process at work. I'm able to handle most of my calls. There are only a few things that are just beyond what I have been trained in.

So many people in this life are petty. I don't like that.

I promised a post about a status I put on Facebook, but I haven't had time to get it put together. This morning is the first time I have been on the phones and haven't been totally slammed with calls...
==========
Aaaand we're back!
The above was composed Friday at work.
==========

First reactions

My first reaction is of recession. To remove myself from everything as much as possible.
But logical thoughts take over and I realize that will not help anything.

**********
Every time I eat at a Mexican restaurant I think of you. I almost ordered a virgin pina colada tonight to remember you better. But decided against it. We ate at Ted's Cafe Escondido and it was pretty good, didn't like waiting an hour to get in...

Have a nice life.

++++++++++

This post completed from a draft created a few days ago.

Failings

I am tempted to just give it all up. Clearly nothing attempted will ever succeed. A perfect track record of 100% failure can attest to that.
I'm ready to see jesus.

There is just no use. I screw everything up.

Epic Weekend

Lot of stuff happened this weekend!

First off, God gave me the Mean Streak that I wanted. No sooner had I given up on it and given it over to Him, than He turned around and made it possible for me to get it. She is so beautiful! I named her Medusa. It fits her very well. I may try and post a picture or two later on.

This weekend was also the weekend for me to go down to Durant to take my MSF course. So Friday after work, Em and I hit the road down 177 and took an awesome road trip! We got to the class a few minutes late because we had some trouble finding it. But it wasn't a big deal, the instructor turned out to be a great guy. He was in the army and was a police officer. He was a Christian guy and made a point of praying for the whole class after we finished on Saturday. But I'm getting ahead of myself..
Friday evening in the class was good, we covered all of the questions that might be on the state written exam, watched videos and listened to a lot of funny stories. Em and I were so tired, we had to stand up sometimes to keep from falling asleep.

Shawn showed up to take Seth's spot in the class, and that night we rode home with him and left our bikes at the school. Friday evening we just went to bed. Saturday morning we were up and going at 6 and picked up our bikes and met the rest of the class at the instructor's church to do the riding portion. Em and I had the largest and nicest bikes there. Everyone was duly impressed. :)

Fast forward to about 12:30 and we were finishing up. I now feel a lot more comfortable on my bike and I can control her a lot better. One of the last maneuvers he had us do, was to ride a figure 8 inside a box the size of 3 parking spaces and it was nearly impossible, especially on my big bike... and after the class he told us that the actual state requirements say that the box should be 8 feet longer and 12 feet wider than the one he had us do it in. and that you could even use the whole parking lot, as long as you are able to do a figure 8. (It was humorous, he was ready to run away from us)

So, Saturday afternoon we went back to Laura and Shawn's and Laura had lunch ready for us, so we chowed down on some good food! After that we just relaxed for a few hours, and then went out and went swimming in their big in ground pool for three hours. That was totally awesome! After swimming, we went and rented Tangled and came back to watch it and eat tacos. Then bed.

Sunday morning we had a big breakfast and then got ready to hit the road again. We ended up leaving at 11 and it took us 5 hours to get back because we stopped several places and took the long way home... We are both so sunburned now! My arms are all blistered and sore. I don't thing Em blistered, but she was burnt too.

It was an amazingly fun and relaxing weekend! God is so good to bless us like this!

Possibilities

Okay so I'm laying here in bed, my head is processing information so fast I can't get two thoughts together before it moves on...

First. Those of you who are faithful readers, you are always welcome to leave comments... (I also welcome comments from passers by)

Second. I see all of these possibilities in my life that I could accomplish with hard work and determination... But what about the ones I don't see?? What about the untold things that I could do or be if I have God's blessing and anointing? Those things that are in my scope of imagination are so petty compared to what He can do through me if I allow myself to be yielded to Him to be wielded as an instrument of His glory!

Third. I love my friends. I love the different perspectivesi get from them. I love how none of them are the same. I am so thankful for friends who aren't afraid to be as transparent with me as I am with them.

Fourth. I am a strong person. Not of my own making, but because of where I have been and my God who has carried me when I was too weak and who bolstered me when I needed to stand. I tend to forget the strength that has been promised and made available to me.

Fifth. Who am I? That I should choose my way? The Lord shall choose for me, tis better far I know!
I'm not making the decisions in my life, I'm just trying to follow the path that He places before me, but when that path grows dim, I am learning to patiently wait for Him.

Enough! My eyes finally grow tired!

I believe the Bible

The Bible is God's word. It does not change. It is never wrong. 

So when I read passages like these:

Deuteronomy 18:10

Deuteronomy 18:14

2 Kings 9:22

2 Kings 21:6

2 Chronicles 33:6

1 Samuel 15:23

Micah 5:12

And most specifically THIS ONE

Galatians 5:19-21

It tells me that witchcraft is NOT something that God condones for His children. I don't have to say anything else. God has already said it all in His Word. 

I just want you to know I stand with Him on the matter.

Changes

Well, I decided not to get the 2000... for now anyways. I was going to try for a Mean Streak but it sold before I could get to it... so now I'm just going to wait and see what comes my way.

God is good. All the time, He is good.
Lord, remember me... I need you.
"I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside"

Sadness Sometimes Brings Happiness

Monday evening we had a ride planned with Em, Chase, Joe and we were going to head to Mustang to meet one of their friends, Keith, and from there we would all ride out west somewhere for a nice evening ride.
So in preparation for the ride, I put oil in the bike, fueled up, added sea foam to the fuel. Checked everything to be sure it was good, and it all seemed to check out.
I met Em at her place at 1830 and we met up with Joe and Chase a little while later and hit the road for Mustang... we had no problems up until we were about five minutes from Keith's house... and as we turned the corner my bike spewed forth a cloud of smoke and died on me.
After a few minutes of troubleshooting I managed to get it the rest of the way to Keith's where we diagnosed it as probably a blown gasket or some such. (Possibly caused by overfilling the oil)
When we got to Keith's we found out that he was not going to be able to go on the ride with us. But he offered to allow me to ride his bike so that we could still go.
Initially I declined.

I was off making arrangements for mom to come and pick me up, when I turned around and noticed Keith in the garage pulling the cover off of his bike showing it to Em, I heard her say "oh no" and then I saw the bike...
2006 Kawasaki Vulcan 2053 Vance and Hines pipes, bags, windshield bag, custom handmade leather seat, sissy bar, wide tires 27k miles.
Keith says "you sure you don't want to ride? It might be for sale if you like it"
So now I'm working at getting a loan to buy this beautiful beast of a bike!

It is huge! But not so huge that I can't handle it. :)

Consistency

Consistency is now my goal... I don't know if I can. But I am going to try.

The situation has reached the point where I am forced to accept it.So now I am going to do my best NOT to follow my immediate instinct which is to remove myself from everything and everyone as far as possible... No drastic or dramatic changes. Just. Be. Me.

*********

On brighter notes, I had an amazing day today with Em and her coworker Chase... We rode to MWC to Sams and then out through Harrah, up to 66 and back into the city with a stop at Pop's Soda to cool off. 5 1/2 hours. 110 degree heat. It was a blast!

Now I'm home and trying to cool down and re hydrate. All in all? A good day!

Where is the undo button?

Before I started this newest line of blogging, I decided to start fresh... And rather than start a new blog and have to redo a lot of work. I just deleted all of my past posts rather than ignore their existence...
I'm kinda regretting it now. Now a reader (yes I am pretending I have them) won't be able to read a progression... I doubt the type of stuff I post has changed much though. *ctm* such a life.

Enjoyment and Reminders

As the title states, this post shall address enjoyable things and reminders. Enjoyable things are, well, enjoyable. So they should always be addressed first, unless there is responsibility too. (responsibility before reward you know) and the reminders will come later in the post after we have finished with the enjoyable things, because as we all know, reminders are rarely if ever concerning pleasant things, and this one is no exception...

So...
I played hooky from church tonight (I had good reason, I was helping a friend and couldn't make it) and went for a very nice and enjoyable ride around northwestern OKC. It was still pretty hot, but we were in some nice areas where it cools down quickly.we just roamed around and had a wonderful time. The only downside was that as a car drive past me out threw a rock up and hit me on the shin. :(
But anywho, she got to fill her bike up with fuel for the first time and was very happy when it cost her all of $10.46 and I must agree that I love not paying $50+ every time my tank is empty...

Now for the reminders...

First of all, this is day...oi, I don't remember... 7 I think? Feels much much longer.

Secondly, I haven't forgotten you, not an I likely to. If you have the nerve to think that how I feel has changed, then I am sorely disappointed.

Third, I love you still, and I miss you every moment of every day. It sounds lame and like a cliche, but I cannot begin to tell you how many times I stop myself from contacting you every day.

Fourth, I watch you from a distance and you seem to be happy. So I am reassured that I have done the right thing. It just makes me wonder if you think about me.

Fifth, I still pray for you both. Twice a day, morning and evening, and any time I start feeling selfish.

I miss you very much.

**********

Oh well, I'm a sucker, but then you already knew that.

Friends

Friends are great to have.
God gives us the capacity to have relationships for our own benefit, but also the benefit of others.
If all you ever look at in a friendship is how it can be positive for you or how good it is for you. Then you are a selfish ogre and don't deserve friends.

True friendship goes both ways. You can be both a giver and a taker. But you should never have to take from a true friend, they give willingly. As should you. Friends should be a source of comfort and unconditional love, but should also be steel, to sharpen and refine you.

Friends sometimes come and go in your life. But then there are friends who come into your life and are a steady point, who remain consistent and true, regardless of what life brings. That is the kind of friend I strive to be. But I am not afraid to let go of a friendship when the time comes. For I know that my God has a plan in all things.

I have a friend who came into my life early on, but then we drifted apart for a long time. Now God has rekindled this relationship into a stronger friendship than we could have had had we remained close all of those years we were apart.

I am humbled yet again and reminded that I am not skilled to understand His plan. So I can once again stop pretending I do.

I am blessed with amazing friends. I strive to be a blessing as well.

Roaming ramblings

Right now I'm cruising west on I-44 at 75mph, but my mind is moving so much faster and in other directions.

No matter how I look at it, or what logic I use, or faith I employ it always comes back to one fundamental truth; God is doing a lot of changing in my life right now and I am going to have to learn His present desires for me.

Problem is, I'm still in a state of loss and confusion. I know that I am where God wants me, but I don't know what direction I am supposed to be headed. I am attempting to trust Him to guide me.

I see the things that God is putting into my life things that He is using to shape me and to develop me. I have no doubt of His control.

(nearly to our destination now)

My heart is still healing, and the way I tend to give it away so easily, it might take a while. "I can make it through the pain, I can learn to smile again, for The Healer lives in me."

There is more to say, but after a six hour break in my line of thought I can't bring it to mind.

Day four. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have picked up the phone and had to stop myself. You understand things and I want to share them with you.

I miss you.

Selfish

It's hard to be selfless.
Being selfish is part of our fallen human nature. Satan takes this and uses it against us powerfully. When we are acting under selfish motivation, we are unable to see what God is trying to do for us and through us.

Doing the "right" thing often includes being selfless. Being selfless goes against everything in us. (Yes I realize I seem to be restating the same information)

I write because of experience. I am currently having to give my selfishness to God. In a certain situation in my life I could be very happy if I gave into my selfishness. But in doing so I would hurt people.

Perhaps in this struggle I am not really being selfless. Perhaps because it is an effort at all it is still just a display of selfishness?

I don't know. All I know is that I am struggling with these decisions I have made. I know that what I am doing is right. I am sacrificing what I desire. But the desire is still there.

I am not even sure what I am trying to say... I guess just that I still think about it. Wondering if I should be.
Trying to stick by my guns.

Today marks day three. Feels like it has been three weeks. I am glad someone understands things better than I do. Because if things were up to me, life would be even MORE of a mess. :)

I might try writing another story for you, maybe not as sad this time?

I miss you.

Random post # 1

At work. Bored. Don't feel like trying to write again.

Song in my head today: The older I get, Skillet

Wishing I worked the earlier shift today.Then I could get some stuff done that I need to... Oh well, there's always Monday I suppose. :)

I wonder who in Japan and Russia is reading my blog. ;)

I want to learn how to tap dance.

Okay I'm done.

Hypothetical Scenarios

Join me, if you will, as we fast forward a few years into the future...

You are just another person, in your early twenties, finishing your education and getting things ready for a life ahead of you. Working, paying your bills. Life is good. Then one day something happens that makes you realize you have been making mistakes, a lot of them. What happened is an accident, this accident was caused by a building of your mistakes.

You woke up that morning just like every other. But towards the end of your day the culmination of your mistakes causes the traumatic loss of your right leg from just above the knee. The pain is unbearable, but through proper medical care you are able to deal with it. Then, one day in rehab, someone walks in with a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. They are willing to use their experimental technology to replace your leg.

Now, there is no guarantee that this will be 100% successful, there are risks involved. This person carefully explains the risks and you have a lengthy discussion, part of the risks is that your body could reject the replacement limb and it could be even more painful than the accident that resulted in your loss of said limb.

Weeks of testing and analyzing. Finally, you are ready to begin having a cybernetic limb grafted on to replace your leg. You are told that the process will take several days and that they will have to keep you sedated during the entire procedure. You agree to this and after much preparation you finally lay down on the gurney to begin.

----------

You wake slowly, your head feels heavy and hollow. Your eyes don't want to open, they seem dry. As you begin to stir, you are helped to sit up. You look around the room and try to remember why you are here. Suddenly everything stops. Your eyes are wide and staring as you slowly draw the sheet back to reveal a natural looking pair of legs. As you closely inspect your right leg, you realize that it even has the 4 inch scar below the knee from a childhood accident. You slowly reach down to touch it and gasp, jerking your hand back as you realize you felt as your fingers touched the scar.

You slowly try to move your toes. Your whole foot moves with the effort instead of just the toes. The person who offered you this miracle is standing beside you and begins to explain that the muscles in the cybernetic limb are yet untrained so that you can learn to use them as you would your own. So that your movements and strength will be natural.

----------

A few months later, you are back on your feet. Things are going well, you have learned to walk again, even started running recently. The only evidence remaining from your accident is a small scar around the top of the replacement limb and occasional phantom pains. But they are bearable when compared to the freedom you have been granted once more.

Then one night you wake up with the sensation that you leg is on fire. You look at your leg and are horrified to see that the scar is beginning to open. You immediately call your benefactor and inform them of this development, and you are advised to return to the facility where the procedure took place as soon as possible.

Several hours later when you arrive, the sun is beginning to rise in a beautiful display of colors and beams of light. But you are having to be carried into the building as your body has continued to reject the foreign limb, you are nearly comatose from the pain as the prosthesss is visibly beginning to separate from your leg.

The next two days of surgeries and lack of pain medications due to your body's rejection of the prosthesss are the worst of your life. The cybernetic leg has been a total loss, the doctors have been forced to remove even more of your leg, making it not only impossible to attempt the procedure again, but also unlikely that any type of prosthesis will ever work for you.

----------

It's been nearly a year now and you are neatly re-wrapping the white gauze around the stump. Your hands pause and your eyes go misty as you remember what it was like to walk again for those short months. You feel a tinge of regret that you ever agreed to the experiment, but you shake your head as you realize that you wouldn't trade those months for anything.

You shift your body carefully from the bed to your wheelchair and wheel yourself out into the yard to enjoy the early morning hours in quiet. In the back of your mind two words echo continuously...

If only...

If only you hadn't made all of those mistakes to begin with, you wouldn't have ever required the experiment...

**********

I was told I should write, that I was good at it.

I still don't believe you.

But here ya go.

I tried.

I still love you.

I miss you.

Broken things

A broken heart doesn't like being woke up by heart breaking things.

/pathetic

Just another task

The steam from the water flowing into the sink floats up past my face as I study the blood in my hairline. I raise the rag and begin to work the dried blood away from the caked hair and the edges of the small cut, the hair pulls and the heat from the rag stings as it touches the still seeping wound. But the pain isn't enough to make me stop, this is just another task, just another thing that I have to do. Minutes later I finish cleansing the wound and disinfect it. There! Now it isn't as noticeable. I rinse the blood from the rag and study my face in the mirror, at least you won't be able to see this scar.

Finish preparing for my day. Head off to eat before orientation later.

Wounds shouldn't be something you are accustomed to.