Stupid

People.
Life.
Things.
Stuff.
Situations.
Finances.
Emotions.
Feelings.
Thoughts.
Responsibilities.
Duties.
Heart.
Mind.
Body.
Love.
Places.

Ingress

I haven't written anything in a long, long time, so when I got the urge to write last night I was a bit surprised.
Surprisingly enough, that urge stayed with me through to today... so here it is:

--------------------------------------------


I've always heard the voices.

As a child I thought that everyone heard them, so I never mentioned it. But as I grew older I realized that what I was hearing was unique to me. Those voices telling me I needed to visit certain places, or do something I had never considered before.

At first they were nearly impossible to resist, I felt compelled to obey them and their draw on my psyche. As I have matured, I have learned to tune them out, much like you would do with the excess noise in a crowded room. I am able to operate as a normal person without the voices affecting me too greatly.

Then everything changed.

I was just sitting at my computer at work browsing through my Google + stream and suddenly I felt a sharp stabbing pain behind my eyes as I heard the voices tear down all of my mental defenses. I could do nothing to resist them as I was almost forced to follow the series of posts about #ingress .

The voices suddenly became clearer, the more I read the more I understood, I had finally discovered what caused them: The Shapers, and their insidious method of invading our minds, a  "mind virus" if you will. At last I knew what I had to do about the voices in my head.

I never had a choice whether or not to resist

But that's all changed now. The voices are still there, and they still try to control me. But now I am the master, I use them as the Shapers desired to use me.

I maintain a casual stroll as I approach

The voices tell me it's there, but I already know. I can see them now, and though the voices pull me towards the shimmering grey portal, I know what I have to do... I glance down at my scanner, stopping just within range I fire my most powerful burster and muster a half smile as the only resonator falls.  I look around furtively to be sure I am still safe as I quickly hack the portal.
My resonators are carefully placed and shields in place as I walk away, headed for the next portal. I can't see this one yet, but the voices tell me it's there.

I don't understand

Why this Mind Virus hasn't " #enlightened " me, but I am grateful that I am able to use it for the #resistance .

I don't know who will ever read this, and I don't know if it will make a difference, but if any who read it are infected, I encourage you: Fight them!

You don't have to surrender your individuality to another force

You can RESIST!

Better

Some answers are better left unknown.

Some questions better left unasked.

Sometimes it's better not to know.

Gypped

A few weeks ago I jokingly told my mother that I felt I had been gypped on intelligence. (Reasoning below)

I have begun to think that maybe I was right...

-----------------------------

See, I've got 7 siblings. That means 8 of us total. So here is my reasoning:

Mom knew she was going to have a bunch of kids, so she stored up a bunch of intelligence to give them, and when my oldest brother came along, he got a good dose. (He's wicked smart... CNO at TypeFrag.com or something like that. He also taught for Microsoft.)

Then comes my oldest sister, and she got a good dose too. (Master's degree in some sort of child development/counselling)

Then my next oldest brother, and he got a good dose. (4+ degrees, deployed Navy Reserves)

Then another brother, a good dose for him. (2 degrees, IT support at the corporate offices of one of the biggest car dealerships in Oklahoma. AND musically talented beyond imagination.)

Then another sister, and she got a good dose. (Going for equine surgeon, musically talented.)

Now that's five kids right there, all with good doses of intelligence, and I think maybe mom didn't realize just how much she had given each of them... Because then I come along at number six, and I get the dregs of the lot.

At this point, mom realizes her mistake, and builds up a bunch more intelligence for the next kids to come along. (Too late for me)

Younger brother = Great dose! Smartest of the lot, I think he got intelligence equal to three of the others... 

Younger sister = good dose! 

Both of the younger are currently in college, and are going to go much farther than I ever will.

So I was just the unlucky number 6.

Gypped. :/

Idiocy

...one of the few things I excel at.

I might as well have pulled out my knife and stabbed myself in the chest.

Signature

He looked slowly around the room taking in the faces, letting the silence settle and waiting for someone to speak up. When no one seemed inclined to speak, he made a statement and asked a question.

Twenty minutes later, he put his signature on six pieces of paper.

As he signed them, he suddenly thought "My signature decides how the rest of this man's life will be lived."

----------------------------------------------

My world was shaken today.

Still trying to shake it off.

Options

I spend the majority of my time one of two ways...

I am either:
1. Being completely ignored
or
2. Being the central focus of awkward and unwanted attention

I much prefer the former, so I'd like to just go and live out my days peacefully in a desert somewhere.

Definitions

Weakness: A luxury I cannot afford.

Happiness: That age-old illusion that deceives all men.

Marriage: Something that I am losing faith in.

Pathetic: Being 24, living at home, having graduated from college with an impractical degree, and going nowhere in life.

Women: A frustrating waste of time.

Hopeless:  Me.

-----------------------

Not interested in feedback. Just needed to put this out there somewhere.

Thoughts of Love

An excerpt from a book I am reading:

He shook his head. "No, There are many ways to love
someone. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not too choosy about
who we love. Other times we make love such a pure and noble thing, no
poor human can ever meet our vision. But for the most part, love is a
recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I
cherish.' It doesn't entail marriage, or even physical love. There's
love of parents, love of city or nation, love of life, and love of
people. All different, all love.

Current thought

Hoping is for the weak minded and Someday is for fools.

Insights into a strange mind

Sitting here at my desk...Bored, playing silly games on my phone, letting my mind wander, and I suddenly had an aha! moment... 
Humour me as I share my thoughts.

Stupid tourists, I fleece thee, gimme moar monees!  (http://goo.gl/ngZ8U)
I shall destroy all of you puny aliens! You have no hope! You may call me Destroyer, or "Destro" for short!
(http://goo.gl/nheiv)
ooh Destro! Where have I heard that? (Image of an actor pops into my head)Hmmm so I know he said it, I remember he said it with a scottish accent, but why would The Doctor be saying something with a scottish accent?!
Wait...Wait... Oh! I knew I had seen Nine in something before!
Nine is also McCullen!
(G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra)

Just my strange mind at work...

Out Of Reach

I need you tonight.
To wrap me in your arms
Protect me from my fright
Silence all alarms

You used to be there
Sometimes needing
Sometimes needed
Each the other's shield

Tonight the silence is unbroken
Fabric absorbs my silent tears
I want to ask you to hold me
I want to say your name and know that you'll be near

But I know that you no longer need me
Your heart has healed
Others deserve your love more than I
I will not force your attention to myself

So tonight I lie alone
Ignoring the trickles down my cheeks
Turning my heart to stone
Until the sunlight peeks

Because you are out of reach.

Storms

God can bring you joy in the midst of a storm.

It may not be that God changes the storm, or that He makes it easier, or even that He makes it stronger.

Sometimes it could be something totally unrelated to the storm you are battling, but it brings a smile to your face, and joy to your heart, and you can't help but cry, not because of how much the storms hurt, or because of how hard life is... Just because in the midst of the screaming winds and violent waves, God reaches out his hand and shows you that He loves you.

I am going through a lot of really tough things in my life right now, along with my whole family. But today, God wanted to make it clear to me that He loves me.
There are a lot of things that I want, but cannot afford... So I just look at them and hope for a day that they will fit in my budget. But today, God changed that.

He gave me twelve (12) items that without His help I would not have been able to afford for at least a year or two... I could not believe it..

I'll post pictures soon.

I wish I knew

A lot of things.

Tonight:

1. Who it is so I can slap him.

2. If she exists.

Discouraged

For many reasons.

But prime among them, is how many friends and family I have and people I know, who are unable to have a lasting marriage. This seems to be the curse of the last two generations.

At the same time though, I just attended the funeral of a man who was married for 60+ years.

My resolve is to have one marriage, and for it to be for life. But will I ever find someone whose resolve matches my own?

It's looking doubtful.

I would

I would
~~~~~~~~~~

Align with you.
Be seen with you.
Cry with you.
Dance with you.
Eat with you.
Freeze with you.
Go with you.
Hunt with you.
Invent with you.
Jump with you.
Knit with you.
Laugh with you.
Mingle with you.
Nurture with you.
Operate with you.
Play with you.
Quote with you.
Ride with you.
Sing with you.
Talk with you.
Unwind with you.
Vanish with you.
Wane with you.
Xylophone with you.
Zonk with you.

I would never ask anything in return.
Because being with you would be enough.


*********
Duplicate letters:

Sit with you.
Stay with you.
Run with you.
Live with you
Walk with you.
Survive with you.
Love with you.
Work with you.
Sweat with you.
Roam with you.
See with you.
Drive with you.

Short and Sweet

Best friend. Starbucks coffee. Coffee Cake. College Bookstore. Baseball.

Yesterday was a good day.

If only

If only I had a big life insurance policy...

Today's thought

I don't drink enough for this.

I wonder...

What will I screw up next???
Motorcycle accident? No, that would be too easy...
Oh I know! I'll probably get fired this week and then they will repo her.
Hmmm, wonder what after that?
Die in some freak accident? No, again, too easy...
Who knows?? It will definitely be off the charts of stupidity and idiocy!

Wayne

In the 2002 film adaptation of the classic novel The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas, Jacopo finds Dantes sleeping on the floor beside the large bed in his chateau. "Did you fall off the bed?" He asks. Dantes replies "After fourteen years of sleeping on a stone slab, I can't..." Jacopo interrupts with an exclamation in inquiry about the scars on his back.

Last night I slept on a mattress for the first time in several weeks, and my back is exclaiming it's displeasure with me this morning. I think I am moving back to the floor for tonight...

Because this is me today:

Night Rides

I enjoy riding at night, in spite of bugs and periodic visibility issues.
I also enjoy riding with a passenger, especially a passenger who knows how to ride.
Night ride + Passenger who knows how to ride = Amazingly enjoyable.

I had just settled into bed, relaxing to the soothing sound of Andrea Bocelli in my earbuds as I began to drift off. Suddenly the lofty sounds of Dell'Amore Non Si Sa were interrupted by a text message. "I wish it wouldn't stop the music to play those notifications. Might as well check it."
"You busy?" she asked. No ma'am.
"I need a ride." Let me put some shoes on.


Five minutes later, I pull out of my driveway at 2335. I don't need to ask questions, I know that the request wouldn't have been made if it weren't necessary. Picked her up, filled the tank, and hit the road headed nowhere in particular, just enjoying the "cool" night air. (It was still in the lower 90's)

After 45 minutes we ended up sitting by the lake listening to the waves on the shore and enjoying the breezy moonlit night.I listened quietly and allowed her to vent her frustrations, I offered my 2 cents of advice, we talked about random things, had a laugh, and headed home.

I walked in the house at 0120 this morning, exhausted. Dropped into bed and didn't even bother with the music this time.
But I didn't mind, because $10 on the credit card and a couple hours of sleep is a small price to pay for the chance to be there for a friend when they need you.

"Letters I've written"

So for the last week I've been writing a letter, and I finished it yesterday.

I deleted it today.

"Never meaning to send..."

</insert sentimental, poetic writing about wistful things better left unsaid/>

To-Do List

Had an interesting experience...

Saw a friend looking at their "To-Do" list.

Started to say something, realized how ridiculous it was, and had to cover it up...

"What would I have to do to get on your "to-do" list?"

Question

Someone asked me a very personal, very real question yesterday. But he did it in a public setting, and so I felt compelled to answer in a "polite" manner rather than honestly, which is what I would have preferred.

Tony, you seem sad, at least you look sad lately, are you sad?


My response: *nervous chuckle* Well, yes and no. I've got a lot going on right now. So, yeah, off and on..


What I should have said: Yes, I am. Do you have a little while? I'd like to talk about it. I could use your advice, I respect you, and I think that I need some input.


I doubt a similar opening will come any time in the near future.

Until further notice, just know that I am not alright.

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter how hard you try.
It doesn't matter what you give.

It doesn't matter the effort you put forth.
It doesn't matter how much you sacrifice.

It doesn't matter.
It's never enough.

Try again tomorrow.

At last!

Some quality writing to put on here!

Written by a dear friend:

"You"

Will you ever know?
Will you ever see?
That you are more…
That you are one, alone,
Not two, not three
Only one, of you.

No other is the same,
No duplicate can be found,
No carbon copy,
But THE original
One that means so much.
Yet knows so little…

©2012 Ella

Measure A Man

What is a Man? No, not a male who has "come of age" but a real Man.

Following is my opinion of what a man should be, and the type of man that I would like to be.


The essence of a true man should come from within, when you look at a man, regardless of what he may look like to the eye, you should be able to see that he is a man at heart. There is only one source for this essence that fuels a man, and that is the One True God, our Father. Without a heart that seeks, and submits to Christ, a man can never be more than a shell of what he should be. But a man who knows by whom he was created and who draws his strength from God knows no boundaries. - All other facets of a man stem from this basic tenant.

A man should be strong, and his strength needs to be founded not only in his physical abilities, but in his mind, in his emotions, and in his spirit. A man is the pillar that stands on the cornerstone of Christ in a Christian family, and his wife and children will seek their strength in him. He must be rooted firmly enough that he can draw strength from God to give them even in his weakness.

A man should be genuine, with no duplicity of character. When you meet him and get to know him, who he is, the basis of his character should be clear, and unwavering. To over-simplify what you see should be what you get.

A man should be educated, and be able to educate his children, to nurture and to guide them into the paths of righteousness. A man should be learned in all things, so to be prepared for the unexpected, and should be skilled to deal with the ordinary.

A man should be dependable and trustworthy, honest in all of his words and dealings, tactful in his delivery. If you cannot trust his word, his character cannot be trusted.

A man should be willing to give his life in defense of his family, and should be ready to defend them in any situation.

A man should be capable of tending his home, and his property.

A man should be tempered and gentle, soft-spoken and not quick to wrath. He should not deal with his family in anger, but with determined love.

A man should be able to provide for his family, by skill or by trade, yet never willing to depend upon the generosity of others or the state while he is capable of work.

A man should be future minded - planning, and preparing for things to come, yet able to live in the moment and put off the worries of tomorrow, trusting God to care for him.

All of these should flow from a heart that seeks to live a life that is pleasing to God, and that emulates Christ in all of his actions. A real man should be singular in his purpose, and multifaceted in its achievement.

A real man should be wise in his understanding, quick to mirth, slow to anger, diligent in his learning and teaching, and respectful of all he encounters.

There is more that I should say, but words fail me this afternoon.


I endeavor to be the kind of man I have described, yet I fail often. But I trust God to continue to lead and guide me in the ways which He has planned for me.

I hope that someday I will be a man worthy of children, and the responsibility of raising them according to Biblical principles.

Black

Do Not

Do Not...
Accuse me of being Innocent.
Call me Naive.
Think that I would not understand.
Assume that I am Ignorant.
Perceive that I don't care.
Ignore me.

Just. Don't.

Clockwork

Every morning, the same routine. He had become used to it and was usually prepared.
He slowly rolled to a sitting position on the edge of his make-shift bed and blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he slapped his alarm for the fourth time. His eyes flew open, "fourth! Another late morning!"

Out of bed, rummage through the basket of laundry for a set of work clothes and shake out the wrinkles as best he can, a bit of water will help that later. Dress with eyes nearly closed. Keys, lighter, pocket pen, knife, shirt pen, wallet - no, wallet is still downstairs. Yesterday's socks should still work, shoes, down to finish getting ready for work.

The water runs noisily as he brushes his teeth, same pattern, same routine, just later than usual. The his teeth clench as the cold water splashes over his face and hair. He slowly lowers the towel from his face and looks into his own eyes in the mirror. Gray today.


Stopping suddenly as he turns to leave, he bends over and wretches over the porcelain bowl as he feels the muscles in his stomach contract violently. There's nothing but bile, just stop already.


Three minutes later, face still damp from the second meeting with the towel that morning, he backs out of the driveway. 7:49, I can still make it.

Slowly sitting down at his desk, he shakes the dizziness from his head, and unwraps a peppermint to settle his disgruntled insides. 8:01, and I'm still the first here, hmmm, not bad for 2 hours of sleep. What do you say we keep this one between you and me Medusa? 


Let's have some coffee.

Sadness

I am overwhelmed with sadness tonight. I cannot bear this burden any longer.
I want only to weep, to feel release from this self-inflicted suffering.

I will continue on through it. I will carry another mile.
No tears shall fall, I must be strong again.

----------

I think I am going to write a story.

Coming Home

Far as we could be
I always see your face
I always hear your name
All my thoughts
Reach for you
A million miles away
As time and distance pull us
Be sure of this

I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home

Lost, if you feel lost
You know where to find me
Here, I’ll be here listening for your voice
Though time and distance pull us
Be sure of this

Oh I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be all right
In some other world you think you’ve lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home

Oh and I feel you in every part of me
And I see you. You’re everywhere I can be.

I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home

What a song!

Acompáñame a estar solo
A purgarme los fantasmas
A meternos en la cama sin tocarnos
Acompáñame al misterio
De no hacernos compañía
A dormir sin pretender que pase nada
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame al silencio
De charlar sin las palabras
A saber que estás ahí y yo a tu lado
Acompáñame a lo absurdo de abrazarnos sin contacto
Tú en tu sitio yo en el mío
Como un ángel de la guarda
Acompáñame a estar solo
Coro
Acompáñame
A decir sin las palabras
Lo bendito que es tenerte y serte infiel solo con esta soledad
Acompáñame
A quererte sin decirlo
A tocarte sin rozar ni el reflejo de tu piel a contraluz
A pensar en mí para vivir por ti
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame a estar solo
Para calibrar mis miedos
Para envenenar de a poco mis recuerdos
Para quererme un poquito
Y así quererte como quiero
Para desintoxicarme del pasado
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Y si se apagan las luces
Y si se enciende el infierno
Y si me siento perdido
Se que tú estarás conmigo
Con un beso de rescate
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)

So confused

A quiet word from you reaches through everything raging within me and quiets it all.
But after that word you retract again.

I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.

I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.

I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.

I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.

I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.

How?

When you ask what's wrong, how do I begin to explain that you are the source of my erratic behavior?

"I changed my mind"

Apparently, with those words, everything changed. Changed a lot.

I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.

I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.

But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"

Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...

But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.

So I'll drown my pain, in pain.

Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.

I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.

Recent Memories

These things I did alone tonight, and remembered when I was not alone.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone

I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.

Groundhog day

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character is inexplicably sentenced to relive one day until he learns his lesson and makes/does things right.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.

----------

I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.

So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.

Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)

I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.

Lame

Here's my bit of lame for today.

I want to be somebody that somebody can't live without.

Too Fore

Another year has come and passed. Until one of my friends text me and told me happy birthday just now, I had forgotten tomorrow was my birthday.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.

In Jeopardy

I have long conversations on this subject with a couple of friends.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.

Now, it has come down to a couple of things.

1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...

I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.

Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.

Bibles

Funny thing happened to me yesterday.
(rare I know)
I was in Mardel's visiting with Em, and she had a couple of ladies come over to her and ask for her help in finding a Bible for a teenage girl.
So I began to just wander around aimlessly and looked at various books, goofed on my phone, all the while I could hear them pestering Em with questions about Bible translations, and brands and study Bible or not and etc etc etc.
Poor Em was being overwhelmed! Their questions were coming so fast and were so random that she couldn't answer.
Finally. I had to step in.
(Tony-Man to the rescue!)
I began with an answer to the question being forced upon Erica at the time: Why is it called the NIV translation?
Then we moved on to explain the "rubric" if you will, of Bible translations, of how the KJV, the NKJV, the NASB and others were more literal word for word translations, while versions like The Message, NIV, NLT and others are more thought for thought or idea for idea translations.
All the while answering the questions that arose, getting their life history, and being admonished to "use your Theology degree because someone needs to reach the youth!"
Funny thing was, you would have initially thought that it was the 40-something lady that was humouring her 80-something mother... But no... It soon became very clear that the elderly woman was of more sound mind, and was taking care of her daughter.
Fast forward to twenty minutes later of educating the poor people and helping them along the way.

It was interesting.

----------

Looking forward to the beginning of May.

Not looking forward to certain conversations.

Daft

Yes, I am a fool.
I know that I am.
I do not deny it.
I cannot change it.
Yet as a fool, and daft as I am, I plunge in headfirst.
Why do I do this?
Because it makes me happy that's why. The voices in my head scream out against it, but they are easily silenced.
I shall enjoy what little happiness is available while I can. I know the time will come when this is not something I can indulge in, but that day has been postponed for the time being.

Nonsense speweth forth from my oral orafice. Or fingers. Shut up I know.

having an interesting day.
Not sure I care for it. :(

That single tear

It is not a moment of emotion or of pain. But merely a moment of retrospect and self-examination.
Lying here thinking and reviewing my life to this point. I don't know what to say about myself, how to describe myself for you. If you asked me to, I can give you a patent answer but not an honest description of myself.  It's not something I can honestly manage at this point.

That tear of which I speak, escapes my eye unbidden.Unaccompanied, and bound into it's existence of solitude, it expresses how I feel.

Better

Any life without me is a life better off.

So get me out of your life and things will be better.

Freedoms

I would like to write for a few minutes about the freedoms that I enjoy and employ.

I love* the freedom that having a motorcycle gives me. I enjoy the control it gives me over my speed and direction, as well as the ability to rapidly change both with minimal effort.
I put the risers on my handlebars tonight; they much improve the bike. Love them, and slightly proud of myself for managing it.
I enjoy the air in my face and hair, I enjoy the way I am solely responsible for the way the bike handles beneath me. I cannot begin to describe the depth of the affections I feel towards motorcycles, and riding.

There is another freedom that I love that encompasses the previously listed one.

I love the freedoms that I have bestowed upon me by the nation in which I live. I have the freedom to enjoy the freedom of my motorcycle, and to modify, ride, and go when and where I want to, because I live in what is (Or was) the best country on this earth.

The last freedom, is one that I love, and is one that is optional, and yet I choose to employ it.

I love the freedom that I have, and I am proud of the freedom that I have, that I don't have to park my motorcycle in front of a bar for four or five hours on a payday Friday to try to numb the guilt in the my heart, and the pain in my life.
I am free from the chains and bondages of sin. I have no fear of guilt or pain from sins past, present, or future, because of the hope that I have in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I am free. But I am a slave.

I am a slave of love, A slave by choice.

I have chosen to bind myself to Christ and to be His.

I am a free man by birth, and by second birth.

I am a slave by choice. A slave without chains.

I am a free slave.

*Yes, I am working my way away from using the word "love" to describe things when it is not 100% accurately how I feel about it, but I feel that it applies in these situations.

I figured it out

I'm a nice guy.
That's the source of my problems.

Missing

Where is my heart?
It's missing, but I'm not missing much.
Don't even start,
I don't want to believe in love and such.

I am getting weary from the strain
Please make it go
I don't think that I can stand the pain
Just let it flow.

Broken pieces,
I can never find them all,
Fear increases,
That should teach me not to fall,

...

I don't know the ending yet, should I continue?

Dangerous

When I start thinking/feeling like this.

I'm going to end up doing something out of character that is going to get me in big trouble and that I will probably regret later.

*shrug*

At least I'm prepared for it.

Strangely

Tonight, of all nights. There is a strange quiet in me... In spite of the expected turmoil...

Keep Me In Mind

Apparently I live by this song...................

Blood and Pain

His throat tightened and  convulsed as it rejected the thick, hot fluid running down it. He woke as his stomach churned and he gagged and coughed violently, spewing blood  over himself and his bedclothes, getting a second shower of as his head came forward and gravity took hold.

He stemmed the steady flow from his nose as he tried to cough and clear the blood out of his throat. Half asleep, fighting for what seemed like survival as he struggled to find the white kerchief there by his bed. Finally he finds it and presses it to his nostrils, he crawls out of bed and groggily plops into the chair at his desk.

Twenty minutes pass slowly, the only sound that of slow breathing, and the occasional sniff as he readjusted the thin piece of cloth to better retain the crimson fluid flowing freely from his nostrils. He began to feel lightheaded as stream began to slow, and finally to cease.

He stands slowly. Tossing the newly dyed kerchief aside, he rolls his head around on his neck and bring his arms up as his rolls his shoulders, feeling the tendons move and flex beneath this skin. He pauses as he feels a twinge and adjusts the angle of his stretch so the muscles don't pull against the tension in his back.

Taking a deep breath, he moves slowly to prepare for the day. Just another thing to overcome.


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As I wrote this blog this morning, I couldn't decide if I wanted to include this little footnote, or if I wanted to leave it as just a story. But I have decided to include it now, this way, only those who revisit the blog will read it. :)

As the title says "Blood and Pain" I feel I should expound upon that.
These are two things that I have been accustomed to since I was a small child, and I honestly believe that I have become comfortable with them, and that I shall continue to be acquainted with them for the remainder of my life.

Sober

Heard this song on the radio...interesting...

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down

Ridiculous

That's what it is.

Why do I say things and then not follow them through?

Fear.

That's why.

Because I am too afraid to risk what I have for a chance to have more.

Diving in

He saw the shattered safety glass flying across his vision from the right before he heard the stomach wrenching sound of crumpling metal and felt the bone jarring impact as the car was sent spinning across the now chaotic four lanes of traffic...

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Working full time? Yup.
Riding Medusa whenever possible? Yup.
Playing Battlefield 3? Yup.
Keeping up with church and teaching? Yup.
Reading two nonfiction books? Yup.
Reading a fiction book? Yup.
Busy enough? Apparently not.
Going back to school full time in addition to work? Yup.
Trying to change jobs at the same time? Yup.
Scared? Yup.
Going to let it stop me? Nope.
Diving in headfirst? Yup.
Here goes!

Secrets Redux

I was wrong. Another example of my poor judgment.

Back to no secrets worth keeping.

I'm too easily played.

Loveable

That is something no one has ever accused me of being.
I'm pretty sure if they did, it would only be a friendly ploy of encouragement, and not so much the truth.
There are more things about me to dislike than to like, I recognize this and share in the dislike of myself.
Don't try to get close to me, there is only a short list of outcomes, and none of them pleasant.

Ah tomorrow; another day alone.

Secrets

I've never been one for secrets.
I've never found one worth keeping.
Never wanted to keep one.
Not until I found you.

You can be my secret.

Bits and Pieces

Were you listening when I screamed out your name?
Can you even hear me?
Do you see my pain?

----------

I heard you.
I was listening.
I see you.

----------

I know it that it should not be.
I know what others see.
I know that am not capable of this.
I know that something is amiss.

----------

All these thoughts in my head
They bring me round and fill me with dread.

----------

What is your story?
I want to know your story.
Won't you tell me?

----------

Can I write your story?

----------

Spicks and Specks!

Significance

Sometimes I lose mine.

I am here

I want to tell you a story, to have you rapt and focused upon my every word.
I want to see you leaning in as I weave the details and spin the plot as something tangible.
I want to know that I am reaching you with my words, that I am impacting you in a way that will last.
I want to teach you my story. I want you to see what I have seen.
I want to teach you so that you don't have to learn the hard way.
I want to join the words and diction in a way that holds you mesmerized within my ability to speak.
I want to learn how to tell you in words that you will understand.
I want you to listen when I speak, and value that which I tell you.

I am here.

I always listen. I'm always ready to be whatever you need me to be.
There may be times when I would wish to be anywhere else.
But for you I will remain, and you will never know of my reticence.
I am dedicated. I am honest. I am transparent.
Ah but therein lies the complication.
I hurt. I bleed. I suffer.
You must earn the right to be a part of my hidden unhappiness.
I will share my entire life and soul with you.
But you truly know me when I show you my scars and my wounds.

------------------------

Let me be here for you.
I see your pain.
I see the emptiness in your eyes.
I see the way you glance at people out of the corner of your eye to see if they are watching you and to see if they are staying consistent.
I see the hunger for fulfillment and love.
I know how your heart aches with every beat.
I know how your head begins to spin and you feel empty and broken every time you think about the future.
I know.
I understand.
But I don't know how to help you.
If you let me in. I will pour out this love that I have and I will lend you solace in your pain.
There have been times when you look at me and I see you begging me to say something, and all I am able to do is hug you and tell you that I do, honestly love you, and that God is shaping this part of your life so that you will have a better ministry in the future.
But most of the time your eyes just fall and you turn away.
I offer.
I wait.
I pray.
I am here.

---------------------------

Dear God show me how to use these few talents I have to help this hurting child. My heart aches with the pain I know they feel. Dear God grant me Your wisdom so that I may help them to yield their broken vessel to you for healing.
Use me.
Pour me out and cast me aside.
But do not let this one fall away.

All I know

Stability? What is that?

I'm ready for some stability in my life. For a regular rhythm of being able to pay my bills, get ahead, not be jerked around by work, people, circumstances, and events.

Yes, I know that this is "real life" and that things are rarely "consistent" just because of the way life works. But there is a balance to be found. Mine just doesn't exist yet.

I don't have a whole lot of hope in any of the facets of my life right now. I am stuck in a dead end job that though I enjoy it, it is stressful and I hate the constant pressure. I've been trying to find another job for four months now with no luck. (Yes I know, four months is nothing) I'm barely paying my bills, with no end to this difficulty in sight. I have no car, so getting to work in the inclement weather is a hassle. I'm looking to buy one, but that ties in with the last two... job and bills... After a few lovely conversations over the last several weeks, the fires of future hopes have been doused with a cool bucket of reality, and I am forced to face a quiet, solitary outlook on things.

Not that I am complaining per se... Just expressing my opinions of life in general. Which are slightly bitter.

Do you even remember?

Do you? Or have you become so accustomed to things now that you don't even remember?

When was the last time you were actually satisfied with me, the way that I am, the things that I do?

Am I never going to be good enough for you?

Am I never going to DO enough for you?

Am I never going to make you happy?

I am who, and what I am. Don't try to "fix" me.

So dumb

Sometimes I think to myself, but then I realize how dumb it is and I just have to laugh, because it really doesn't make any sense.

Why do I do this to myself? I think I am subconsciously punishing myself. Who knows?

I know I'm doing it, but does that mean I'll stop or change? Not likely!

Prayer for 2012

Dear Father, guide me in Your way. Help me to follow Your voice and to learn to submit myself to you.

Teach me to allow you to fill this loneliness in my heart, take my desire for self, and I will focus my passions on you. Help me to dedicate my life to you as Paul, in total abandon of flesh and indentured servitude to you.

Help me to be more effective in Your kingdom this year, so that others may come to You through me.

Satisfy my desires with Your Will, and light me anew to burn for you.

Father, use me as your vessel.