I enjoy riding at night, in spite of bugs and periodic visibility issues.
I also enjoy riding with a passenger, especially a passenger who knows how to ride.
Night ride + Passenger who knows how to ride = Amazingly enjoyable.
I had just settled into bed, relaxing to the soothing sound of Andrea Bocelli in my earbuds as I began to drift off. Suddenly the lofty sounds of Dell'Amore Non Si Sa were interrupted by a text message. "I wish it wouldn't stop the music to play those notifications. Might as well check it."
"You busy?" she asked. No ma'am.
"I need a ride." Let me put some shoes on.
Five minutes later, I pull out of my driveway at 2335. I don't need to ask questions, I know that the request wouldn't have been made if it weren't necessary. Picked her up, filled the tank, and hit the road headed nowhere in particular, just enjoying the "cool" night air. (It was still in the lower 90's)
After 45 minutes we ended up sitting by the lake listening to the waves on the shore and enjoying the breezy moonlit night.I listened quietly and allowed her to vent her frustrations, I offered my 2 cents of advice, we talked about random things, had a laugh, and headed home.
I walked in the house at 0120 this morning, exhausted. Dropped into bed and didn't even bother with the music this time.
But I didn't mind, because $10 on the credit card and a couple hours of sleep is a small price to pay for the chance to be there for a friend when they need you.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
"Letters I've written"
So for the last week I've been writing a letter, and I finished it yesterday.
I deleted it today.
"Never meaning to send..."
</insert sentimental, poetic writing about wistful things better left unsaid/>
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
To-Do List
Had an interesting experience...
Saw a friend looking at their "To-Do" list.
Started to say something, realized how ridiculous it was, and had to cover it up...
"What would I have to do to get on your "to-do" list?"
Monday, July 02, 2012
Question
Someone asked me a very personal, very real question yesterday. But he did it in a public setting, and so I felt compelled to answer in a "polite" manner rather than honestly, which is what I would have preferred.
Tony, you seem sad, at least you look sad lately, are you sad?
My response: *nervous chuckle* Well, yes and no. I've got a lot going on right now. So, yeah, off and on..
What I should have said: Yes, I am. Do you have a little while? I'd like to talk about it. I could use your advice, I respect you, and I think that I need some input.
I doubt a similar opening will come any time in the near future.
Until further notice, just know that I am not alright.
Tony, you seem sad, at least you look sad lately, are you sad?
My response: *nervous chuckle* Well, yes and no. I've got a lot going on right now. So, yeah, off and on..
What I should have said: Yes, I am. Do you have a little while? I'd like to talk about it. I could use your advice, I respect you, and I think that I need some input.
I doubt a similar opening will come any time in the near future.
Until further notice, just know that I am not alright.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
It Doesn't Matter
It doesn't matter how hard you try.
It doesn't matter what you give.
It doesn't matter the effort you put forth.
It doesn't matter how much you sacrifice.
It doesn't matter.
It's never enough.
Try again tomorrow.
It doesn't matter what you give.
It doesn't matter the effort you put forth.
It doesn't matter how much you sacrifice.
It doesn't matter.
It's never enough.
Try again tomorrow.
Monday, June 18, 2012
At last!
Some quality writing to put on here!
Written by a dear friend:
"You"
Written by a dear friend:
"You"
Will you ever know?
Will you ever see?
That you are more…
That you are one, alone,
Not two, not three
Only one, of you.
No other is the same,
No duplicate can be found,
No carbon copy,
But THE original
One that means so much.
Yet knows so little…
Will you ever see?
That you are more…
That you are one, alone,
Not two, not three
Only one, of you.
No other is the same,
No duplicate can be found,
No carbon copy,
But THE original
One that means so much.
Yet knows so little…
©2012 Ella
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Measure A Man
What is a Man? No, not a male who has "come of age" but a real Man.
Following is my opinion of what a man should be, and the type of man that I would like to be.
The essence of a true man should come from within, when you look at a man, regardless of what he may look like to the eye, you should be able to see that he is a man at heart. There is only one source for this essence that fuels a man, and that is the One True God, our Father. Without a heart that seeks, and submits to Christ, a man can never be more than a shell of what he should be. But a man who knows by whom he was created and who draws his strength from God knows no boundaries. - All other facets of a man stem from this basic tenant.
A man should be strong, and his strength needs to be founded not only in his physical abilities, but in his mind, in his emotions, and in his spirit. A man is the pillar that stands on the cornerstone of Christ in a Christian family, and his wife and children will seek their strength in him. He must be rooted firmly enough that he can draw strength from God to give them even in his weakness.
A man should be genuine, with no duplicity of character. When you meet him and get to know him, who he is, the basis of his character should be clear, and unwavering. To over-simplify what you see should be what you get.
A man should be educated, and be able to educate his children, to nurture and to guide them into the paths of righteousness. A man should be learned in all things, so to be prepared for the unexpected, and should be skilled to deal with the ordinary.
A man should be dependable and trustworthy, honest in all of his words and dealings, tactful in his delivery. If you cannot trust his word, his character cannot be trusted.
A man should be willing to give his life in defense of his family, and should be ready to defend them in any situation.
A man should be capable of tending his home, and his property.
A man should be tempered and gentle, soft-spoken and not quick to wrath. He should not deal with his family in anger, but with determined love.
A man should be able to provide for his family, by skill or by trade, yet never willing to depend upon the generosity of others or the state while he is capable of work.
A man should be future minded - planning, and preparing for things to come, yet able to live in the moment and put off the worries of tomorrow, trusting God to care for him.
All of these should flow from a heart that seeks to live a life that is pleasing to God, and that emulates Christ in all of his actions. A real man should be singular in his purpose, and multifaceted in its achievement.
A real man should be wise in his understanding, quick to mirth, slow to anger, diligent in his learning and teaching, and respectful of all he encounters.
There is more that I should say, but words fail me this afternoon.
I endeavor to be the kind of man I have described, yet I fail often. But I trust God to continue to lead and guide me in the ways which He has planned for me.
I hope that someday I will be a man worthy of children, and the responsibility of raising them according to Biblical principles.
Following is my opinion of what a man should be, and the type of man that I would like to be.
The essence of a true man should come from within, when you look at a man, regardless of what he may look like to the eye, you should be able to see that he is a man at heart. There is only one source for this essence that fuels a man, and that is the One True God, our Father. Without a heart that seeks, and submits to Christ, a man can never be more than a shell of what he should be. But a man who knows by whom he was created and who draws his strength from God knows no boundaries. - All other facets of a man stem from this basic tenant.
A man should be strong, and his strength needs to be founded not only in his physical abilities, but in his mind, in his emotions, and in his spirit. A man is the pillar that stands on the cornerstone of Christ in a Christian family, and his wife and children will seek their strength in him. He must be rooted firmly enough that he can draw strength from God to give them even in his weakness.
A man should be genuine, with no duplicity of character. When you meet him and get to know him, who he is, the basis of his character should be clear, and unwavering. To over-simplify what you see should be what you get.
A man should be educated, and be able to educate his children, to nurture and to guide them into the paths of righteousness. A man should be learned in all things, so to be prepared for the unexpected, and should be skilled to deal with the ordinary.
A man should be dependable and trustworthy, honest in all of his words and dealings, tactful in his delivery. If you cannot trust his word, his character cannot be trusted.
A man should be willing to give his life in defense of his family, and should be ready to defend them in any situation.
A man should be capable of tending his home, and his property.
A man should be tempered and gentle, soft-spoken and not quick to wrath. He should not deal with his family in anger, but with determined love.
A man should be able to provide for his family, by skill or by trade, yet never willing to depend upon the generosity of others or the state while he is capable of work.
A man should be future minded - planning, and preparing for things to come, yet able to live in the moment and put off the worries of tomorrow, trusting God to care for him.
All of these should flow from a heart that seeks to live a life that is pleasing to God, and that emulates Christ in all of his actions. A real man should be singular in his purpose, and multifaceted in its achievement.
A real man should be wise in his understanding, quick to mirth, slow to anger, diligent in his learning and teaching, and respectful of all he encounters.
There is more that I should say, but words fail me this afternoon.
I endeavor to be the kind of man I have described, yet I fail often. But I trust God to continue to lead and guide me in the ways which He has planned for me.
I hope that someday I will be a man worthy of children, and the responsibility of raising them according to Biblical principles.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Do Not
Do Not...
Accuse me of being Innocent.
Call me Naive.
Think that I would not understand.
Assume that I am Ignorant.
Perceive that I don't care.
Ignore me.
Just. Don't.
Accuse me of being Innocent.
Call me Naive.
Think that I would not understand.
Assume that I am Ignorant.
Perceive that I don't care.
Ignore me.
Just. Don't.
Clockwork
Every morning, the same routine. He had become used to it and was usually prepared.
He slowly rolled to a sitting position on the edge of his make-shift bed and blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he slapped his alarm for the fourth time. His eyes flew open, "fourth! Another late morning!"
Out of bed, rummage through the basket of laundry for a set of work clothes and shake out the wrinkles as best he can, a bit of water will help that later. Dress with eyes nearly closed. Keys, lighter, pocket pen, knife, shirt pen, wallet - no, wallet is still downstairs. Yesterday's socks should still work, shoes, down to finish getting ready for work.
The water runs noisily as he brushes his teeth, same pattern, same routine, just later than usual. The his teeth clench as the cold water splashes over his face and hair. He slowly lowers the towel from his face and looks into his own eyes in the mirror. Gray today.
Stopping suddenly as he turns to leave, he bends over and wretches over the porcelain bowl as he feels the muscles in his stomach contract violently. There's nothing but bile, just stop already.
Three minutes later, face still damp from the second meeting with the towel that morning, he backs out of the driveway. 7:49, I can still make it.
Slowly sitting down at his desk, he shakes the dizziness from his head, and unwraps a peppermint to settle his disgruntled insides. 8:01, and I'm still the first here, hmmm, not bad for 2 hours of sleep. What do you say we keep this one between you and me Medusa?
Let's have some coffee.
He slowly rolled to a sitting position on the edge of his make-shift bed and blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he slapped his alarm for the fourth time. His eyes flew open, "fourth! Another late morning!"
Out of bed, rummage through the basket of laundry for a set of work clothes and shake out the wrinkles as best he can, a bit of water will help that later. Dress with eyes nearly closed. Keys, lighter, pocket pen, knife, shirt pen, wallet - no, wallet is still downstairs. Yesterday's socks should still work, shoes, down to finish getting ready for work.
The water runs noisily as he brushes his teeth, same pattern, same routine, just later than usual. The his teeth clench as the cold water splashes over his face and hair. He slowly lowers the towel from his face and looks into his own eyes in the mirror. Gray today.
Stopping suddenly as he turns to leave, he bends over and wretches over the porcelain bowl as he feels the muscles in his stomach contract violently. There's nothing but bile, just stop already.
Three minutes later, face still damp from the second meeting with the towel that morning, he backs out of the driveway. 7:49, I can still make it.
Slowly sitting down at his desk, he shakes the dizziness from his head, and unwraps a peppermint to settle his disgruntled insides. 8:01, and I'm still the first here, hmmm, not bad for 2 hours of sleep. What do you say we keep this one between you and me Medusa?
Let's have some coffee.
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Sadness
I am overwhelmed with sadness tonight. I cannot bear this burden any longer.
I want only to weep, to feel release from this self-inflicted suffering.
I will continue on through it. I will carry another mile.
No tears shall fall, I must be strong again.
----------
I think I am going to write a story.
I want only to weep, to feel release from this self-inflicted suffering.
I will continue on through it. I will carry another mile.
No tears shall fall, I must be strong again.
----------
I think I am going to write a story.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Coming Home
Far as we could be
I always see your face
I always hear your name
All my thoughts
Reach for you
A million miles away
As time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Lost, if you feel lost
You know where to find me
Here, I’ll be here listening for your voice
Though time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
Oh I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be all right
In some other world you think you’ve lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Oh and I feel you in every part of me
And I see you. You’re everywhere I can be.
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
I always see your face
I always hear your name
All my thoughts
Reach for you
A million miles away
As time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Lost, if you feel lost
You know where to find me
Here, I’ll be here listening for your voice
Though time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
Oh I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be all right
In some other world you think you’ve lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Oh and I feel you in every part of me
And I see you. You’re everywhere I can be.
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Friday, June 01, 2012
What a song!
Acompáñame a estar solo
A purgarme los fantasmas
A meternos en la cama sin tocarnos
Acompáñame al misterio
De no hacernos compañía
A dormir sin pretender que pase nada
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame al silencio
De charlar sin las palabras
A saber que estás ahí y yo a tu lado
Acompáñame a lo absurdo de abrazarnos sin contacto
Tú en tu sitio yo en el mío
Como un ángel de la guarda
Acompáñame a estar solo
Coro
Acompáñame
A decir sin las palabras
Lo bendito que es tenerte y serte infiel solo con esta soledad
Acompáñame
A quererte sin decirlo
A tocarte sin rozar ni el reflejo de tu piel a contraluz
A pensar en mí para vivir por ti
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame a estar solo
Para calibrar mis miedos
Para envenenar de a poco mis recuerdos
Para quererme un poquito
Y así quererte como quiero
Para desintoxicarme del pasado
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Y si se apagan las luces
Y si se enciende el infierno
Y si me siento perdido
Se que tú estarás conmigo
Con un beso de rescate
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
A purgarme los fantasmas
A meternos en la cama sin tocarnos
Acompáñame al misterio
De no hacernos compañía
A dormir sin pretender que pase nada
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame al silencio
De charlar sin las palabras
A saber que estás ahí y yo a tu lado
Acompáñame a lo absurdo de abrazarnos sin contacto
Tú en tu sitio yo en el mío
Como un ángel de la guarda
Acompáñame a estar solo
Coro
Acompáñame
A decir sin las palabras
Lo bendito que es tenerte y serte infiel solo con esta soledad
Acompáñame
A quererte sin decirlo
A tocarte sin rozar ni el reflejo de tu piel a contraluz
A pensar en mí para vivir por ti
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame a estar solo
Para calibrar mis miedos
Para envenenar de a poco mis recuerdos
Para quererme un poquito
Y así quererte como quiero
Para desintoxicarme del pasado
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Y si se apagan las luces
Y si se enciende el infierno
Y si me siento perdido
Se que tú estarás conmigo
Con un beso de rescate
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
So confused
A quiet word from you reaches through everything raging within me and quiets it all.
But after that word you retract again.
I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.
I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.
I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.
I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.
I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.
But after that word you retract again.
I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.
I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.
I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.
I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.
I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.
How?
When you ask what's wrong, how do I begin to explain that you are the source of my erratic behavior?
"I changed my mind"
Apparently, with those words, everything changed. Changed a lot.
I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.
I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.
But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"
Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...
But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.
So I'll drown my pain, in pain.
Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.
I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.
I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.
I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.
But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"
Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...
But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.
So I'll drown my pain, in pain.
Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.
I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Recent Memories
These things I did alone tonight, and remembered when I was not alone.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone
I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone
I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Groundhog day
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character is inexplicably sentenced to relive one day until he learns his lesson and makes/does things right.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.
----------
I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.
So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.
Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)
I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.
----------
I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.
So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.
Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)
I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Too Fore
Another year has come and passed. Until one of my friends text me and told me happy birthday just now, I had forgotten tomorrow was my birthday.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.
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Cosmongony
The Expanses of my Mind.