God can bring you joy in the midst of a storm.
It may not be that God changes the storm, or that He makes it easier, or even that He makes it stronger.
Sometimes it could be something totally unrelated to the storm you are battling, but it brings a smile to your face, and joy to your heart, and you can't help but cry, not because of how much the storms hurt, or because of how hard life is... Just because in the midst of the screaming winds and violent waves, God reaches out his hand and shows you that He loves you.
I am going through a lot of really tough things in my life right now, along with my whole family. But today, God wanted to make it clear to me that He loves me.
There are a lot of things that I want, but cannot afford... So I just look at them and hope for a day that they will fit in my budget. But today, God changed that.
He gave me twelve (12) items that without His help I would not have been able to afford for at least a year or two... I could not believe it..
I'll post pictures soon.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Friday, September 07, 2012
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Discouraged
For many reasons.
But prime among them, is how many friends and family I have and people I know, who are unable to have a lasting marriage. This seems to be the curse of the last two generations.
At the same time though, I just attended the funeral of a man who was married for 60+ years.
My resolve is to have one marriage, and for it to be for life. But will I ever find someone whose resolve matches my own?
It's looking doubtful.
But prime among them, is how many friends and family I have and people I know, who are unable to have a lasting marriage. This seems to be the curse of the last two generations.
At the same time though, I just attended the funeral of a man who was married for 60+ years.
My resolve is to have one marriage, and for it to be for life. But will I ever find someone whose resolve matches my own?
It's looking doubtful.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
I would
I would
~~~~~~~~~~
Align with you.
Be seen with you.
Cry with you.
Dance with you.
Eat with you.
Freeze with you.
Go with you.
Hunt with you.
Invent with you.
Jump with you.
Knit with you.
Laugh with you.
Mingle with you.
Nurture with you.
Operate with you.
Play with you.
Quote with you.
Ride with you.
Sing with you.
Talk with you.
Unwind with you.
Vanish with you.
Wane with you.
Xylophone with you.
Zonk with you.
I would never ask anything in return.
Because being with you would be enough.
*********
Duplicate letters:
Sit with you.
Stay with you.
Run with you.
Live with you
Walk with you.
Survive with you.
Love with you.
Work with you.
Sweat with you.
Roam with you.
See with you.
Drive with you.
~~~~~~~~~~
Align with you.
Be seen with you.
Cry with you.
Dance with you.
Eat with you.
Freeze with you.
Go with you.
Hunt with you.
Invent with you.
Jump with you.
Knit with you.
Laugh with you.
Mingle with you.
Nurture with you.
Operate with you.
Play with you.
Quote with you.
Ride with you.
Sing with you.
Talk with you.
Unwind with you.
Vanish with you.
Wane with you.
Xylophone with you.
Zonk with you.
I would never ask anything in return.
Because being with you would be enough.
*********
Duplicate letters:
Sit with you.
Stay with you.
Run with you.
Live with you
Walk with you.
Survive with you.
Love with you.
Work with you.
Sweat with you.
Roam with you.
See with you.
Drive with you.
Short and Sweet
Best friend. Starbucks coffee. Coffee Cake. College Bookstore. Baseball.
Yesterday was a good day.
Yesterday was a good day.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, August 06, 2012
I wonder...
What will I screw up next???
Motorcycle accident? No, that would be too easy...
Oh I know! I'll probably get fired this week and then they will repo her.
Hmmm, wonder what after that?
Die in some freak accident? No, again, too easy...
Who knows?? It will definitely be off the charts of stupidity and idiocy!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Wayne
In the 2002 film adaptation of the classic novel The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas, Jacopo finds Dantes sleeping on the floor beside the large bed in his chateau. "Did you fall off the bed?" He asks. Dantes replies "After fourteen years of sleeping on a stone slab, I can't..." Jacopo interrupts with an exclamation in inquiry about the scars on his back.
Last night I slept on a mattress for the first time in several weeks, and my back is exclaiming it's displeasure with me this morning. I think I am moving back to the floor for tonight...
Because this is me today:
Last night I slept on a mattress for the first time in several weeks, and my back is exclaiming it's displeasure with me this morning. I think I am moving back to the floor for tonight...
Because this is me today:
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Night Rides
I enjoy riding at night, in spite of bugs and periodic visibility issues.
I also enjoy riding with a passenger, especially a passenger who knows how to ride.
Night ride + Passenger who knows how to ride = Amazingly enjoyable.
I had just settled into bed, relaxing to the soothing sound of Andrea Bocelli in my earbuds as I began to drift off. Suddenly the lofty sounds of Dell'Amore Non Si Sa were interrupted by a text message. "I wish it wouldn't stop the music to play those notifications. Might as well check it."
"You busy?" she asked. No ma'am.
"I need a ride." Let me put some shoes on.
Five minutes later, I pull out of my driveway at 2335. I don't need to ask questions, I know that the request wouldn't have been made if it weren't necessary. Picked her up, filled the tank, and hit the road headed nowhere in particular, just enjoying the "cool" night air. (It was still in the lower 90's)
After 45 minutes we ended up sitting by the lake listening to the waves on the shore and enjoying the breezy moonlit night.I listened quietly and allowed her to vent her frustrations, I offered my 2 cents of advice, we talked about random things, had a laugh, and headed home.
I walked in the house at 0120 this morning, exhausted. Dropped into bed and didn't even bother with the music this time.
But I didn't mind, because $10 on the credit card and a couple hours of sleep is a small price to pay for the chance to be there for a friend when they need you.
I also enjoy riding with a passenger, especially a passenger who knows how to ride.
Night ride + Passenger who knows how to ride = Amazingly enjoyable.
I had just settled into bed, relaxing to the soothing sound of Andrea Bocelli in my earbuds as I began to drift off. Suddenly the lofty sounds of Dell'Amore Non Si Sa were interrupted by a text message. "I wish it wouldn't stop the music to play those notifications. Might as well check it."
"You busy?" she asked. No ma'am.
"I need a ride." Let me put some shoes on.
Five minutes later, I pull out of my driveway at 2335. I don't need to ask questions, I know that the request wouldn't have been made if it weren't necessary. Picked her up, filled the tank, and hit the road headed nowhere in particular, just enjoying the "cool" night air. (It was still in the lower 90's)
After 45 minutes we ended up sitting by the lake listening to the waves on the shore and enjoying the breezy moonlit night.I listened quietly and allowed her to vent her frustrations, I offered my 2 cents of advice, we talked about random things, had a laugh, and headed home.
I walked in the house at 0120 this morning, exhausted. Dropped into bed and didn't even bother with the music this time.
But I didn't mind, because $10 on the credit card and a couple hours of sleep is a small price to pay for the chance to be there for a friend when they need you.
Friday, July 27, 2012
"Letters I've written"
So for the last week I've been writing a letter, and I finished it yesterday.
I deleted it today.
"Never meaning to send..."
</insert sentimental, poetic writing about wistful things better left unsaid/>
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
To-Do List
Had an interesting experience...
Saw a friend looking at their "To-Do" list.
Started to say something, realized how ridiculous it was, and had to cover it up...
"What would I have to do to get on your "to-do" list?"
Monday, July 02, 2012
Question
Someone asked me a very personal, very real question yesterday. But he did it in a public setting, and so I felt compelled to answer in a "polite" manner rather than honestly, which is what I would have preferred.
Tony, you seem sad, at least you look sad lately, are you sad?
My response: *nervous chuckle* Well, yes and no. I've got a lot going on right now. So, yeah, off and on..
What I should have said: Yes, I am. Do you have a little while? I'd like to talk about it. I could use your advice, I respect you, and I think that I need some input.
I doubt a similar opening will come any time in the near future.
Until further notice, just know that I am not alright.
Tony, you seem sad, at least you look sad lately, are you sad?
My response: *nervous chuckle* Well, yes and no. I've got a lot going on right now. So, yeah, off and on..
What I should have said: Yes, I am. Do you have a little while? I'd like to talk about it. I could use your advice, I respect you, and I think that I need some input.
I doubt a similar opening will come any time in the near future.
Until further notice, just know that I am not alright.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
It Doesn't Matter
It doesn't matter how hard you try.
It doesn't matter what you give.
It doesn't matter the effort you put forth.
It doesn't matter how much you sacrifice.
It doesn't matter.
It's never enough.
Try again tomorrow.
It doesn't matter what you give.
It doesn't matter the effort you put forth.
It doesn't matter how much you sacrifice.
It doesn't matter.
It's never enough.
Try again tomorrow.
Monday, June 18, 2012
At last!
Some quality writing to put on here!
Written by a dear friend:
"You"
Written by a dear friend:
"You"
Will you ever know?
Will you ever see?
That you are more…
That you are one, alone,
Not two, not three
Only one, of you.
No other is the same,
No duplicate can be found,
No carbon copy,
But THE original
One that means so much.
Yet knows so little…
Will you ever see?
That you are more…
That you are one, alone,
Not two, not three
Only one, of you.
No other is the same,
No duplicate can be found,
No carbon copy,
But THE original
One that means so much.
Yet knows so little…
©2012 Ella
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Measure A Man
What is a Man? No, not a male who has "come of age" but a real Man.
Following is my opinion of what a man should be, and the type of man that I would like to be.
The essence of a true man should come from within, when you look at a man, regardless of what he may look like to the eye, you should be able to see that he is a man at heart. There is only one source for this essence that fuels a man, and that is the One True God, our Father. Without a heart that seeks, and submits to Christ, a man can never be more than a shell of what he should be. But a man who knows by whom he was created and who draws his strength from God knows no boundaries. - All other facets of a man stem from this basic tenant.
A man should be strong, and his strength needs to be founded not only in his physical abilities, but in his mind, in his emotions, and in his spirit. A man is the pillar that stands on the cornerstone of Christ in a Christian family, and his wife and children will seek their strength in him. He must be rooted firmly enough that he can draw strength from God to give them even in his weakness.
A man should be genuine, with no duplicity of character. When you meet him and get to know him, who he is, the basis of his character should be clear, and unwavering. To over-simplify what you see should be what you get.
A man should be educated, and be able to educate his children, to nurture and to guide them into the paths of righteousness. A man should be learned in all things, so to be prepared for the unexpected, and should be skilled to deal with the ordinary.
A man should be dependable and trustworthy, honest in all of his words and dealings, tactful in his delivery. If you cannot trust his word, his character cannot be trusted.
A man should be willing to give his life in defense of his family, and should be ready to defend them in any situation.
A man should be capable of tending his home, and his property.
A man should be tempered and gentle, soft-spoken and not quick to wrath. He should not deal with his family in anger, but with determined love.
A man should be able to provide for his family, by skill or by trade, yet never willing to depend upon the generosity of others or the state while he is capable of work.
A man should be future minded - planning, and preparing for things to come, yet able to live in the moment and put off the worries of tomorrow, trusting God to care for him.
All of these should flow from a heart that seeks to live a life that is pleasing to God, and that emulates Christ in all of his actions. A real man should be singular in his purpose, and multifaceted in its achievement.
A real man should be wise in his understanding, quick to mirth, slow to anger, diligent in his learning and teaching, and respectful of all he encounters.
There is more that I should say, but words fail me this afternoon.
I endeavor to be the kind of man I have described, yet I fail often. But I trust God to continue to lead and guide me in the ways which He has planned for me.
I hope that someday I will be a man worthy of children, and the responsibility of raising them according to Biblical principles.
Following is my opinion of what a man should be, and the type of man that I would like to be.
The essence of a true man should come from within, when you look at a man, regardless of what he may look like to the eye, you should be able to see that he is a man at heart. There is only one source for this essence that fuels a man, and that is the One True God, our Father. Without a heart that seeks, and submits to Christ, a man can never be more than a shell of what he should be. But a man who knows by whom he was created and who draws his strength from God knows no boundaries. - All other facets of a man stem from this basic tenant.
A man should be strong, and his strength needs to be founded not only in his physical abilities, but in his mind, in his emotions, and in his spirit. A man is the pillar that stands on the cornerstone of Christ in a Christian family, and his wife and children will seek their strength in him. He must be rooted firmly enough that he can draw strength from God to give them even in his weakness.
A man should be genuine, with no duplicity of character. When you meet him and get to know him, who he is, the basis of his character should be clear, and unwavering. To over-simplify what you see should be what you get.
A man should be educated, and be able to educate his children, to nurture and to guide them into the paths of righteousness. A man should be learned in all things, so to be prepared for the unexpected, and should be skilled to deal with the ordinary.
A man should be dependable and trustworthy, honest in all of his words and dealings, tactful in his delivery. If you cannot trust his word, his character cannot be trusted.
A man should be willing to give his life in defense of his family, and should be ready to defend them in any situation.
A man should be capable of tending his home, and his property.
A man should be tempered and gentle, soft-spoken and not quick to wrath. He should not deal with his family in anger, but with determined love.
A man should be able to provide for his family, by skill or by trade, yet never willing to depend upon the generosity of others or the state while he is capable of work.
A man should be future minded - planning, and preparing for things to come, yet able to live in the moment and put off the worries of tomorrow, trusting God to care for him.
All of these should flow from a heart that seeks to live a life that is pleasing to God, and that emulates Christ in all of his actions. A real man should be singular in his purpose, and multifaceted in its achievement.
A real man should be wise in his understanding, quick to mirth, slow to anger, diligent in his learning and teaching, and respectful of all he encounters.
There is more that I should say, but words fail me this afternoon.
I endeavor to be the kind of man I have described, yet I fail often. But I trust God to continue to lead and guide me in the ways which He has planned for me.
I hope that someday I will be a man worthy of children, and the responsibility of raising them according to Biblical principles.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Do Not
Do Not...
Accuse me of being Innocent.
Call me Naive.
Think that I would not understand.
Assume that I am Ignorant.
Perceive that I don't care.
Ignore me.
Just. Don't.
Accuse me of being Innocent.
Call me Naive.
Think that I would not understand.
Assume that I am Ignorant.
Perceive that I don't care.
Ignore me.
Just. Don't.
Clockwork
Every morning, the same routine. He had become used to it and was usually prepared.
He slowly rolled to a sitting position on the edge of his make-shift bed and blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he slapped his alarm for the fourth time. His eyes flew open, "fourth! Another late morning!"
Out of bed, rummage through the basket of laundry for a set of work clothes and shake out the wrinkles as best he can, a bit of water will help that later. Dress with eyes nearly closed. Keys, lighter, pocket pen, knife, shirt pen, wallet - no, wallet is still downstairs. Yesterday's socks should still work, shoes, down to finish getting ready for work.
The water runs noisily as he brushes his teeth, same pattern, same routine, just later than usual. The his teeth clench as the cold water splashes over his face and hair. He slowly lowers the towel from his face and looks into his own eyes in the mirror. Gray today.
Stopping suddenly as he turns to leave, he bends over and wretches over the porcelain bowl as he feels the muscles in his stomach contract violently. There's nothing but bile, just stop already.
Three minutes later, face still damp from the second meeting with the towel that morning, he backs out of the driveway. 7:49, I can still make it.
Slowly sitting down at his desk, he shakes the dizziness from his head, and unwraps a peppermint to settle his disgruntled insides. 8:01, and I'm still the first here, hmmm, not bad for 2 hours of sleep. What do you say we keep this one between you and me Medusa?
Let's have some coffee.
He slowly rolled to a sitting position on the edge of his make-shift bed and blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he slapped his alarm for the fourth time. His eyes flew open, "fourth! Another late morning!"
Out of bed, rummage through the basket of laundry for a set of work clothes and shake out the wrinkles as best he can, a bit of water will help that later. Dress with eyes nearly closed. Keys, lighter, pocket pen, knife, shirt pen, wallet - no, wallet is still downstairs. Yesterday's socks should still work, shoes, down to finish getting ready for work.
The water runs noisily as he brushes his teeth, same pattern, same routine, just later than usual. The his teeth clench as the cold water splashes over his face and hair. He slowly lowers the towel from his face and looks into his own eyes in the mirror. Gray today.
Stopping suddenly as he turns to leave, he bends over and wretches over the porcelain bowl as he feels the muscles in his stomach contract violently. There's nothing but bile, just stop already.
Three minutes later, face still damp from the second meeting with the towel that morning, he backs out of the driveway. 7:49, I can still make it.
Slowly sitting down at his desk, he shakes the dizziness from his head, and unwraps a peppermint to settle his disgruntled insides. 8:01, and I'm still the first here, hmmm, not bad for 2 hours of sleep. What do you say we keep this one between you and me Medusa?
Let's have some coffee.
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Sadness
I am overwhelmed with sadness tonight. I cannot bear this burden any longer.
I want only to weep, to feel release from this self-inflicted suffering.
I will continue on through it. I will carry another mile.
No tears shall fall, I must be strong again.
----------
I think I am going to write a story.
I want only to weep, to feel release from this self-inflicted suffering.
I will continue on through it. I will carry another mile.
No tears shall fall, I must be strong again.
----------
I think I am going to write a story.
Monday, June 04, 2012
Coming Home
Far as we could be
I always see your face
I always hear your name
All my thoughts
Reach for you
A million miles away
As time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Lost, if you feel lost
You know where to find me
Here, I’ll be here listening for your voice
Though time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
Oh I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be all right
In some other world you think you’ve lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Oh and I feel you in every part of me
And I see you. You’re everywhere I can be.
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
I always see your face
I always hear your name
All my thoughts
Reach for you
A million miles away
As time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Lost, if you feel lost
You know where to find me
Here, I’ll be here listening for your voice
Though time and distance pull us
Be sure of this
Oh I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be all right
In some other world you think you’ve lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Oh and I feel you in every part of me
And I see you. You’re everywhere I can be.
I can feel the wind change
I can tell when something’s not right
Our love is the one thing that keeps us
We will be alright
In some other world you think you lost me
You need to know
I’m coming home. I’m coming home
Friday, June 01, 2012
What a song!
Acompáñame a estar solo
A purgarme los fantasmas
A meternos en la cama sin tocarnos
Acompáñame al misterio
De no hacernos compañÃa
A dormir sin pretender que pase nada
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame al silencio
De charlar sin las palabras
A saber que estás ahà y yo a tu lado
Acompáñame a lo absurdo de abrazarnos sin contacto
Tú en tu sitio yo en el mÃo
Como un ángel de la guarda
Acompáñame a estar solo
Coro
Acompáñame
A decir sin las palabras
Lo bendito que es tenerte y serte infiel solo con esta soledad
Acompáñame
A quererte sin decirlo
A tocarte sin rozar ni el reflejo de tu piel a contraluz
A pensar en mà para vivir por ti
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame a estar solo
Para calibrar mis miedos
Para envenenar de a poco mis recuerdos
Para quererme un poquito
Y asà quererte como quiero
Para desintoxicarme del pasado
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Y si se apagan las luces
Y si se enciende el infierno
Y si me siento perdido
Se que tú estarás conmigo
Con un beso de rescate
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
A purgarme los fantasmas
A meternos en la cama sin tocarnos
Acompáñame al misterio
De no hacernos compañÃa
A dormir sin pretender que pase nada
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame al silencio
De charlar sin las palabras
A saber que estás ahà y yo a tu lado
Acompáñame a lo absurdo de abrazarnos sin contacto
Tú en tu sitio yo en el mÃo
Como un ángel de la guarda
Acompáñame a estar solo
Coro
Acompáñame
A decir sin las palabras
Lo bendito que es tenerte y serte infiel solo con esta soledad
Acompáñame
A quererte sin decirlo
A tocarte sin rozar ni el reflejo de tu piel a contraluz
A pensar en mà para vivir por ti
Acompáñame a estar solo
Acompáñame a estar solo
Para calibrar mis miedos
Para envenenar de a poco mis recuerdos
Para quererme un poquito
Y asà quererte como quiero
Para desintoxicarme del pasado
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Y si se apagan las luces
Y si se enciende el infierno
Y si me siento perdido
Se que tú estarás conmigo
Con un beso de rescate
Acompáñame a estar solo
(coro)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
So confused
A quiet word from you reaches through everything raging within me and quiets it all.
But after that word you retract again.
I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.
I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.
I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.
I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.
I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.
But after that word you retract again.
I react to you, you reach me when no one and nothing else can.
I'm upset with you, frustrated, hurt. Yet elated when you reach out to me.
I want to have a time to talk over these things with you, but you don't have time for me.
I want to break these barriers that we have constructed.
I want your help. I want your love. I want you to be happy, regardless of all else.
How?
When you ask what's wrong, how do I begin to explain that you are the source of my erratic behavior?
"I changed my mind"
Apparently, with those words, everything changed. Changed a lot.
I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.
I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.
But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"
Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...
But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.
So I'll drown my pain, in pain.
Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.
I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.
I want to go back to that moment, and I want to do it differently.
I want to change my mind, and say to you what I will probably now never have the chance to say.
But instead, I'll just join the ranks of the "love lost"
Some might say that I should not just let this pass, that I should go, chase, say, do, etc...
But that won't work, I know you too well. I've tried pursuing you, but you just keep pushing me away.
So I'll drown my pain, in pain.
Don't be surprised if you can't find me, or don't hear from me, I'm leaving you alone.
I'll always love you like no one else could. Is that egotistical? Perhaps. But true.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Recent Memories
These things I did alone tonight, and remembered when I was not alone.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone
I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.
Left a note
Rode
Watched the water
Listened to the night sounds
Saw the stars and satellites
Heard the skunk just down from our spot
Looked at the lights across the water
Sat on the bank, contemplating recent happenings
Wondered what life would bring
Planned the next few things to come
Wished for someone
I slowed down my life tonight, now it just hurts in slow motion.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Groundhog day
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's character is inexplicably sentenced to relive one day until he learns his lesson and makes/does things right.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.
----------
I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.
So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.
Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)
I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.
It never says exactly how many tries it took him to get it right.
First he in confused and so just plays along, sarcastic and snidely.
Then he tries all number of things, every morning only to wake to find that he is back in his bed on the morning of the day that keeps repeating.
----------
I think I have found myself sentenced to something similar. Not repeating a day, but a set of circumstances. I would disagree with myself on this, but after the fifth time, it's a pretty clear pattern.
So rather than resign myself to this punishment, I refuse to allow that set of circumstances to come upon me again.
Unlike Murray's character, I don't have the resilience to maintain my sanity through any more cycles - I would end up a sobbing, incoherent ball. (I'm pretty close to being one now)
I can't let my heart break any more. Sometimes, things get broken too many times to be fixed.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Too Fore
Another year has come and passed. Until one of my friends text me and told me happy birthday just now, I had forgotten tomorrow was my birthday.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.
Hmm.
Oh well.
I'll put this last year's reflections on here later.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
In Jeopardy
I have long conversations on this subject with a couple of friends.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.
Now, it has come down to a couple of things.
1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...
I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.
Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.
After all of these.
I know my answers.
I know my reasons.
I know my faults.
I know my mistakes.
I know I am a fool.
Now, it has come down to a couple of things.
1. I have to let go.
2. I have to repair the damage done.
3. I have to learn to be content
4. I have to forgive that man. - I thought at one time that I hated my father for leaving my family, but with time and with God's help, I realized that it was only anger and pain causing that. I have moved past that.
But now.
I feel that this jeopardizes my soul.
I can't find a place of sympathy, love, pity, understanding, empathy, or any other benevolent emotion in my heart where I can place him.
I think that this is the only person that I have ever honestly hated, with a black, ugly, painful hate. I can feel it eating away at me, but I can't put it away...
I am praying, and I need more prayer.
I can't hold this against him.
It has to have been God's plan.
Every fiber of my being weeps with the pain and cries out for a different answer.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Bibles
Funny thing happened to me yesterday.
(rare I know)
I was in Mardel's visiting with Em, and she had a couple of ladies come over to her and ask for her help in finding a Bible for a teenage girl.
So I began to just wander around aimlessly and looked at various books, goofed on my phone, all the while I could hear them pestering Em with questions about Bible translations, and brands and study Bible or not and etc etc etc.
Poor Em was being overwhelmed! Their questions were coming so fast and were so random that she couldn't answer.
Finally. I had to step in.
(Tony-Man to the rescue!)
I began with an answer to the question being forced upon Erica at the time: Why is it called the NIV translation?
Then we moved on to explain the "rubric" if you will, of Bible translations, of how the KJV, the NKJV, the NASB and others were more literal word for word translations, while versions like The Message, NIV, NLT and others are more thought for thought or idea for idea translations.
All the while answering the questions that arose, getting their life history, and being admonished to "use your Theology degree because someone needs to reach the youth!"
Funny thing was, you would have initially thought that it was the 40-something lady that was humouring her 80-something mother... But no... It soon became very clear that the elderly woman was of more sound mind, and was taking care of her daughter.
Fast forward to twenty minutes later of educating the poor people and helping them along the way.
It was interesting.
----------
Looking forward to the beginning of May.
Not looking forward to certain conversations.
(rare I know)
I was in Mardel's visiting with Em, and she had a couple of ladies come over to her and ask for her help in finding a Bible for a teenage girl.
So I began to just wander around aimlessly and looked at various books, goofed on my phone, all the while I could hear them pestering Em with questions about Bible translations, and brands and study Bible or not and etc etc etc.
Poor Em was being overwhelmed! Their questions were coming so fast and were so random that she couldn't answer.
Finally. I had to step in.
(Tony-Man to the rescue!)
I began with an answer to the question being forced upon Erica at the time: Why is it called the NIV translation?
Then we moved on to explain the "rubric" if you will, of Bible translations, of how the KJV, the NKJV, the NASB and others were more literal word for word translations, while versions like The Message, NIV, NLT and others are more thought for thought or idea for idea translations.
All the while answering the questions that arose, getting their life history, and being admonished to "use your Theology degree because someone needs to reach the youth!"
Funny thing was, you would have initially thought that it was the 40-something lady that was humouring her 80-something mother... But no... It soon became very clear that the elderly woman was of more sound mind, and was taking care of her daughter.
Fast forward to twenty minutes later of educating the poor people and helping them along the way.
It was interesting.
----------
Looking forward to the beginning of May.
Not looking forward to certain conversations.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Daft
Yes, I am a fool.
I know that I am.
I do not deny it.
I cannot change it.
Yet as a fool, and daft as I am, I plunge in headfirst.
Why do I do this?
Because it makes me happy that's why. The voices in my head scream out against it, but they are easily silenced.
I shall enjoy what little happiness is available while I can. I know the time will come when this is not something I can indulge in, but that day has been postponed for the time being.
Nonsense speweth forth from my oral orafice. Or fingers. Shut up I know.
having an interesting day.
Not sure I care for it. :(
I know that I am.
I do not deny it.
I cannot change it.
Yet as a fool, and daft as I am, I plunge in headfirst.
Why do I do this?
Because it makes me happy that's why. The voices in my head scream out against it, but they are easily silenced.
I shall enjoy what little happiness is available while I can. I know the time will come when this is not something I can indulge in, but that day has been postponed for the time being.
Nonsense speweth forth from my oral orafice. Or fingers. Shut up I know.
having an interesting day.
Not sure I care for it. :(
Monday, March 05, 2012
That single tear
It is not a moment of emotion or of pain. But merely a moment of retrospect and self-examination.
Lying here thinking and reviewing my life to this point. I don't know what to say about myself, how to describe myself for you. If you asked me to, I can give you a patent answer but not an honest description of myself. It's not something I can honestly manage at this point.
That tear of which I speak, escapes my eye unbidden.Unaccompanied, and bound into it's existence of solitude, it expresses how I feel.
Better
Any life without me is a life better off.
So get me out of your life and things will be better.
So get me out of your life and things will be better.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Freedoms
I would like to write for a few minutes about the freedoms that I enjoy and employ.
I love* the freedom that having a motorcycle gives me. I enjoy the control it gives me over my speed and direction, as well as the ability to rapidly change both with minimal effort.
I put the risers on my handlebars tonight; they much improve the bike. Love them, and slightly proud of myself for managing it.
I enjoy the air in my face and hair, I enjoy the way I am solely responsible for the way the bike handles beneath me. I cannot begin to describe the depth of the affections I feel towards motorcycles, and riding.
There is another freedom that I love that encompasses the previously listed one.
I love the freedoms that I have bestowed upon me by the nation in which I live. I have the freedom to enjoy the freedom of my motorcycle, and to modify, ride, and go when and where I want to, because I live in what is (Or was) the best country on this earth.
The last freedom, is one that I love, and is one that is optional, and yet I choose to employ it.
I love the freedom that I have, and I am proud of the freedom that I have, that I don't have to park my motorcycle in front of a bar for four or five hours on a payday Friday to try to numb the guilt in the my heart, and the pain in my life.
I am free from the chains and bondages of sin. I have no fear of guilt or pain from sins past, present, or future, because of the hope that I have in my Lord Jesus Christ.
I am free. But I am a slave.
I am a slave of love, A slave by choice.
I have chosen to bind myself to Christ and to be His.
I am a free man by birth, and by second birth.
I am a slave by choice. A slave without chains.
I am a free slave.
*Yes, I am working my way away from using the word "love" to describe things when it is not 100% accurately how I feel about it, but I feel that it applies in these situations.
I love* the freedom that having a motorcycle gives me. I enjoy the control it gives me over my speed and direction, as well as the ability to rapidly change both with minimal effort.
I put the risers on my handlebars tonight; they much improve the bike. Love them, and slightly proud of myself for managing it.
I enjoy the air in my face and hair, I enjoy the way I am solely responsible for the way the bike handles beneath me. I cannot begin to describe the depth of the affections I feel towards motorcycles, and riding.
There is another freedom that I love that encompasses the previously listed one.
I love the freedoms that I have bestowed upon me by the nation in which I live. I have the freedom to enjoy the freedom of my motorcycle, and to modify, ride, and go when and where I want to, because I live in what is (Or was) the best country on this earth.
The last freedom, is one that I love, and is one that is optional, and yet I choose to employ it.
I love the freedom that I have, and I am proud of the freedom that I have, that I don't have to park my motorcycle in front of a bar for four or five hours on a payday Friday to try to numb the guilt in the my heart, and the pain in my life.
I am free from the chains and bondages of sin. I have no fear of guilt or pain from sins past, present, or future, because of the hope that I have in my Lord Jesus Christ.
I am free. But I am a slave.
I am a slave of love, A slave by choice.
I have chosen to bind myself to Christ and to be His.
I am a free man by birth, and by second birth.
I am a slave by choice. A slave without chains.
I am a free slave.
*Yes, I am working my way away from using the word "love" to describe things when it is not 100% accurately how I feel about it, but I feel that it applies in these situations.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Missing
Where is my heart?
It's missing, but I'm not missing much.
Don't even start,
I don't want to believe in love and such.
I am getting weary from the strain
Please make it go
I don't think that I can stand the pain
Just let it flow.
Broken pieces,
I can never find them all,
Fear increases,
That should teach me not to fall,
...
I don't know the ending yet, should I continue?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Dangerous
When I start thinking/feeling like this.
I'm going to end up doing something out of character that is going to get me in big trouble and that I will probably regret later.
*shrug*
At least I'm prepared for it.
I'm going to end up doing something out of character that is going to get me in big trouble and that I will probably regret later.
*shrug*
At least I'm prepared for it.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Strangely
Tonight, of all nights. There is a strange quiet in me... In spite of the expected turmoil...
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Blood and Pain
His throat tightened and convulsed as it rejected the thick, hot fluid running down it. He woke as his stomach churned and he gagged and coughed violently, spewing blood over himself and his bedclothes, getting a second shower of as his head came forward and gravity took hold.
He stemmed the steady flow from his nose as he tried to cough and clear the blood out of his throat. Half asleep, fighting for what seemed like survival as he struggled to find the white kerchief there by his bed. Finally he finds it and presses it to his nostrils, he crawls out of bed and groggily plops into the chair at his desk.
Twenty minutes pass slowly, the only sound that of slow breathing, and the occasional sniff as he readjusted the thin piece of cloth to better retain the crimson fluid flowing freely from his nostrils. He began to feel lightheaded as stream began to slow, and finally to cease.
He stands slowly. Tossing the newly dyed kerchief aside, he rolls his head around on his neck and bring his arms up as his rolls his shoulders, feeling the tendons move and flex beneath this skin. He pauses as he feels a twinge and adjusts the angle of his stretch so the muscles don't pull against the tension in his back.
Taking a deep breath, he moves slowly to prepare for the day. Just another thing to overcome.
----------
As I wrote this blog this morning, I couldn't decide if I wanted to include this little footnote, or if I wanted to leave it as just a story. But I have decided to include it now, this way, only those who revisit the blog will read it. :)
As the title says "Blood and Pain" I feel I should expound upon that.
These are two things that I have been accustomed to since I was a small child, and I honestly believe that I have become comfortable with them, and that I shall continue to be acquainted with them for the remainder of my life.
He stemmed the steady flow from his nose as he tried to cough and clear the blood out of his throat. Half asleep, fighting for what seemed like survival as he struggled to find the white kerchief there by his bed. Finally he finds it and presses it to his nostrils, he crawls out of bed and groggily plops into the chair at his desk.
Twenty minutes pass slowly, the only sound that of slow breathing, and the occasional sniff as he readjusted the thin piece of cloth to better retain the crimson fluid flowing freely from his nostrils. He began to feel lightheaded as stream began to slow, and finally to cease.
He stands slowly. Tossing the newly dyed kerchief aside, he rolls his head around on his neck and bring his arms up as his rolls his shoulders, feeling the tendons move and flex beneath this skin. He pauses as he feels a twinge and adjusts the angle of his stretch so the muscles don't pull against the tension in his back.
Taking a deep breath, he moves slowly to prepare for the day. Just another thing to overcome.
----------
As I wrote this blog this morning, I couldn't decide if I wanted to include this little footnote, or if I wanted to leave it as just a story. But I have decided to include it now, this way, only those who revisit the blog will read it. :)
As the title says "Blood and Pain" I feel I should expound upon that.
These are two things that I have been accustomed to since I was a small child, and I honestly believe that I have become comfortable with them, and that I shall continue to be acquainted with them for the remainder of my life.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Sober
Heard this song on the radio...interesting...
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Ridiculous
That's what it is.
Why do I say things and then not follow them through?
Fear.
That's why.
Because I am too afraid to risk what I have for a chance to have more.
Why do I say things and then not follow them through?
Fear.
That's why.
Because I am too afraid to risk what I have for a chance to have more.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Diving in
He saw the shattered safety glass flying across his vision from the right before he heard the stomach wrenching sound of crumpling metal and felt the bone jarring impact as the car was sent spinning across the now chaotic four lanes of traffic...
----------
Working full time? Yup.
Riding Medusa whenever possible? Yup.
Playing Battlefield 3? Yup.
Keeping up with church and teaching? Yup.
Reading two nonfiction books? Yup.
Reading a fiction book? Yup.
Busy enough? Apparently not.
Going back to school full time in addition to work? Yup.
Trying to change jobs at the same time? Yup.
Scared? Yup.
Going to let it stop me? Nope.
Diving in headfirst? Yup.
Here goes!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Secrets Redux
I was wrong. Another example of my poor judgment.
Back to no secrets worth keeping.
I'm too easily played.
Loveable
That is something no one has ever accused me of being.
I'm pretty sure if they did, it would only be a friendly ploy of encouragement, and not so much the truth.
There are more things about me to dislike than to like, I recognize this and share in the dislike of myself.
Don't try to get close to me, there is only a short list of outcomes, and none of them pleasant.
Ah tomorrow; another day alone.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Secrets
I've never been one for secrets.
I've never found one worth keeping.
Never wanted to keep one.
Not until I found you.
You can be my secret.
I've never found one worth keeping.
Never wanted to keep one.
Not until I found you.
You can be my secret.
Bits and Pieces
Were you listening when I screamed out your name?
Can you even hear me?
Do you see my pain?
----------
I heard you.
I was listening.
I see you.
----------
I know it that it should not be.
I know what others see.
I know that am not capable of this.
I know that something is amiss.
----------
All these thoughts in my head
They bring me round and fill me with dread.
----------
What is your story?
I want to know your story.
Won't you tell me?
----------
Can I write your story?
----------
Spicks and Specks!
Can you even hear me?
Do you see my pain?
----------
I heard you.
I was listening.
I see you.
----------
I know it that it should not be.
I know what others see.
I know that am not capable of this.
I know that something is amiss.
----------
All these thoughts in my head
They bring me round and fill me with dread.
----------
What is your story?
I want to know your story.
Won't you tell me?
----------
Can I write your story?
----------
Spicks and Specks!
Monday, January 16, 2012
I am here
I want to tell you a story, to have you rapt and focused upon my every word.
I want to see you leaning in as I weave the details and spin the plot as something tangible.
I want to know that I am reaching you with my words, that I am impacting you in a way that will last.
I want to teach you my story. I want you to see what I have seen.
I want to teach you so that you don't have to learn the hard way.
I want to join the words and diction in a way that holds you mesmerized within my ability to speak.
I want to learn how to tell you in words that you will understand.
I want you to listen when I speak, and value that which I tell you.
I am here.
I always listen. I'm always ready to be whatever you need me to be.
There may be times when I would wish to be anywhere else.
But for you I will remain, and you will never know of my reticence.
I am dedicated. I am honest. I am transparent.
Ah but therein lies the complication.
I hurt. I bleed. I suffer.
You must earn the right to be a part of my hidden unhappiness.
I will share my entire life and soul with you.
But you truly know me when I show you my scars and my wounds.
------------------------
Let me be here for you.
I see your pain.
I see the emptiness in your eyes.
I see the way you glance at people out of the corner of your eye to see if they are watching you and to see if they are staying consistent.
I see the hunger for fulfillment and love.
I know how your heart aches with every beat.
I know how your head begins to spin and you feel empty and broken every time you think about the future.
I know.
I understand.
But I don't know how to help you.
If you let me in. I will pour out this love that I have and I will lend you solace in your pain.
There have been times when you look at me and I see you begging me to say something, and all I am able to do is hug you and tell you that I do, honestly love you, and that God is shaping this part of your life so that you will have a better ministry in the future.
But most of the time your eyes just fall and you turn away.
I offer.
I wait.
I pray.
I am here.
---------------------------
Dear God show me how to use these few talents I have to help this hurting child. My heart aches with the pain I know they feel. Dear God grant me Your wisdom so that I may help them to yield their broken vessel to you for healing.
Use me.
Pour me out and cast me aside.
But do not let this one fall away.
I want to see you leaning in as I weave the details and spin the plot as something tangible.
I want to know that I am reaching you with my words, that I am impacting you in a way that will last.
I want to teach you my story. I want you to see what I have seen.
I want to teach you so that you don't have to learn the hard way.
I want to join the words and diction in a way that holds you mesmerized within my ability to speak.
I want to learn how to tell you in words that you will understand.
I want you to listen when I speak, and value that which I tell you.
I am here.
I always listen. I'm always ready to be whatever you need me to be.
There may be times when I would wish to be anywhere else.
But for you I will remain, and you will never know of my reticence.
I am dedicated. I am honest. I am transparent.
Ah but therein lies the complication.
I hurt. I bleed. I suffer.
You must earn the right to be a part of my hidden unhappiness.
I will share my entire life and soul with you.
But you truly know me when I show you my scars and my wounds.
------------------------
Let me be here for you.
I see your pain.
I see the emptiness in your eyes.
I see the way you glance at people out of the corner of your eye to see if they are watching you and to see if they are staying consistent.
I see the hunger for fulfillment and love.
I know how your heart aches with every beat.
I know how your head begins to spin and you feel empty and broken every time you think about the future.
I know.
I understand.
But I don't know how to help you.
If you let me in. I will pour out this love that I have and I will lend you solace in your pain.
There have been times when you look at me and I see you begging me to say something, and all I am able to do is hug you and tell you that I do, honestly love you, and that God is shaping this part of your life so that you will have a better ministry in the future.
But most of the time your eyes just fall and you turn away.
I offer.
I wait.
I pray.
I am here.
---------------------------
Dear God show me how to use these few talents I have to help this hurting child. My heart aches with the pain I know they feel. Dear God grant me Your wisdom so that I may help them to yield their broken vessel to you for healing.
Use me.
Pour me out and cast me aside.
But do not let this one fall away.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Stability? What is that?
I'm ready for some stability in my life. For a regular rhythm of being able to pay my bills, get ahead, not be jerked around by work, people, circumstances, and events.
Yes, I know that this is "real life" and that things are rarely "consistent" just because of the way life works. But there is a balance to be found. Mine just doesn't exist yet.
I don't have a whole lot of hope in any of the facets of my life right now. I am stuck in a dead end job that though I enjoy it, it is stressful and I hate the constant pressure. I've been trying to find another job for four months now with no luck. (Yes I know, four months is nothing) I'm barely paying my bills, with no end to this difficulty in sight. I have no car, so getting to work in the inclement weather is a hassle. I'm looking to buy one, but that ties in with the last two... job and bills... After a few lovely conversations over the last several weeks, the fires of future hopes have been doused with a cool bucket of reality, and I am forced to face a quiet, solitary outlook on things.
Not that I am complaining per se... Just expressing my opinions of life in general. Which are slightly bitter.
Yes, I know that this is "real life" and that things are rarely "consistent" just because of the way life works. But there is a balance to be found. Mine just doesn't exist yet.
I don't have a whole lot of hope in any of the facets of my life right now. I am stuck in a dead end job that though I enjoy it, it is stressful and I hate the constant pressure. I've been trying to find another job for four months now with no luck. (Yes I know, four months is nothing) I'm barely paying my bills, with no end to this difficulty in sight. I have no car, so getting to work in the inclement weather is a hassle. I'm looking to buy one, but that ties in with the last two... job and bills... After a few lovely conversations over the last several weeks, the fires of future hopes have been doused with a cool bucket of reality, and I am forced to face a quiet, solitary outlook on things.
Not that I am complaining per se... Just expressing my opinions of life in general. Which are slightly bitter.
Do you even remember?
Do you? Or have you become so accustomed to things now that you don't even remember?
When was the last time you were actually satisfied with me, the way that I am, the things that I do?
Am I never going to be good enough for you?
Am I never going to DO enough for you?
Am I never going to make you happy?
I am who, and what I am. Don't try to "fix" me.
When was the last time you were actually satisfied with me, the way that I am, the things that I do?
Am I never going to be good enough for you?
Am I never going to DO enough for you?
Am I never going to make you happy?
I am who, and what I am. Don't try to "fix" me.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So dumb
Sometimes I think to myself, but then I realize how dumb it is and I just have to laugh, because it really doesn't make any sense.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I am subconsciously punishing myself. Who knows?
I know I'm doing it, but does that mean I'll stop or change? Not likely!
Monday, January 02, 2012
Prayer for 2012
Dear Father, guide me in Your way. Help me to follow Your voice and to learn to submit myself to you.
Teach me to allow you to fill this loneliness in my heart, take my desire for self, and I will focus my passions on you. Help me to dedicate my life to you as Paul, in total abandon of flesh and indentured servitude to you.
Help me to be more effective in Your kingdom this year, so that others may come to You through me.
Satisfy my desires with Your Will, and light me anew to burn for you.
Father, use me as your vessel.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I don't understand
Why people who hate me and/or can't stand me, still visit my blog on such a regular basis.
I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.
You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.
So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.
I'm done putting up with foolishness.
I try to talk to you and you yell at me and brush me off.
You are so pissed at me that you ask me to stop following you on Twitter. There is an option to block me you know.
So either stay true to what you say to me, or talk to me if you are interested in what is going on in my life. Don't be a hypocrite.
I'm done putting up with foolishness.
Here it comes
Whether you are ready or not, the new year is upon us!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.
Here goes!
Personally, I am ready for a new year...this one really hasn't worked out for me.
I have endured more pain and frustration this year than I have in a long time.
This year has had a few highlights, but they cannot equal the pain and repair the scars that I have earned.
I shall not lie, nor deceive myself. These things have happened because of me. I am my own tormentor.
I see no end of these foolish decision on my part. So I am just going to avoid these situations entirely.
That is my resolution for this year.
Here goes!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Holiday Pressures
Sitting here at work on the Friday before Christmas eve. Haven't taken a call all morning, probly won't take more than 5 today. Gonna be a long day...
I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.
The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.
For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.
This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.
But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.
You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.
That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)
Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.
Christmas is hard for me this year.
I think I just realize what it is that I really dislike about Christmas and the entire season, and that would be the pressures that the season brings.
The pressure to decorate, the pressure to cook, bake, do, see, go, be, give, host, visit and on and on and on they go. For most people these pressures are why they do things during the Christmas season.
For the last few years my family has been focusing on reducing the commerciality of Christmas in our home, making the holiday less about THINGS and STUFF and more about the birth of the one who humbled Himself from heaven's glory to become a defenseless babe, grow into a sinless man, and die to be the propitiation for our sins. THAT is what I want my Christmas to be about. THAT is what I want to focus on as the year draws to an end.
This year I am going to continue what I have started doing the last few years; I have begun to mark my life by two major evaluation points, those being New Years, and my birthday. You may ask why, as they are only a few months apart, well my reasoning is as follows. As each year draws to a close, I look back and try to find the things that have been the most influential in my life, I evaluate and decide if these are the things that I want to be shaping me and my character. I look back over who I have changed into, the good I have done, and the not so good that I have done. I try to use my previous year as a road map for the coming year, a guide of what to do and what not to do. My birthday few months later, I re-evaluate my plans and see how things have changed since the year has begun, to see if I am continuing the path that I started, and seeing if I need to make changes. Around my birthday, I also take time to look at my life as a whole. Who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming, and I try to come to terms with my life as a whole. Not necessarily changing anything. Just accepting who I am and purposing to continue to follow God and be who He would have me to be.
But still, I feel the same pressures that everyone else does. I want to give my best friend a gift, and I want it to be something special, because I care about her. I know she is going to get me something, and I know that whether she realizes it or not, she is going to be expecting something.
You may not realize this... But I suck at gifts... I rarely, if ever, know what to get someone... Just know this: If you get a gift from me, it means that I love you and I care about you immensely. Because most of the time you aren't going to get one.
That being said. I still haven't purchased/found/made/decided on a gift for anyone. (Not sure I can even afford any...)
Please know that I don't expect gifts on Christmas. I expect your love and your greetings, sometimes, your company, and always your celebration in the birth of our Lord.
Christmas is hard for me this year.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tired tidbits
It's funny the roles that people play. It's even funnier the rules that we play.
Why am I so hard for people to handle?
Why do I get into silly situations?
Looking forward to a week off of work. Wish I had a real job
Monday, December 19, 2011
Here it comes again
That feeling I hate.
I know it is not true most of the time. I know it is a lie to bring me down.
I know I should ignore this and find my self-worth in Christ.
I know that I can rise above this.
So why is it they I can never defeat this lie?
Why do I let this bring me down? Why can I not translate my knowledge into faith and victory?
Why do I fail to overcome this?
Does this point to my history of failures?
Am I going to face a pattern of failures the rest of my life?
If so, it will cause me to change my life goals completely.
I hate feeling like I force myself on people, especially my friends.
It makes me pull away and stop talking to them unless they initiate.
It makes me reclusive and reluctant to share for fear that they don't really care...
I didn't miss not having a phone very much, my phone is convenient for me, not a necessity. (I did get a very nice phone by the way, God blessed me)
What made me sad about not having a phone, was not being missed. Most people didn't even notice I didn't have a phone for two weeks.
How sad is your existence when you can drop off the face of the earth for two weeks and not be missed? Do I really have so little an impact on people's lives?
Yes I know that this is a self piteous and whining post, but it's better to put it on here than to spew about it out loud.
So if you find me less talkative, or less social, just ignore me, it's just me wallowing in self pity.
I've been working at it, but my self esteem is still at an all time low.
Friday, December 09, 2011
No Phone = Not Bad
So... I haven't had a phone since Tuesday... and quite honestly it isn't too bad... Like I mentioned before, there are three people that I talk to every day, other than that, I really don't talk to very many people at all.
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.
But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.
Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.
Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)
Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.
Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)
I was kinda surprised to find out last night that someone actually had tried to contact me and was wondering why I hadn't answered in two days.
But yeah, I miss the convenience of being able to talk to my few friends without being tied to a computer, but other than that I am "surviving" just fine. I'm not crippled or debilitated. I don't even miss it all that much.
Only downside is... I'm such a...well, I won't say that. Let's just say that due to my lack of friends and social life, not having a phone cuts out what little social life I had and I feel pretty disconnected from everyone/everything. Makes me even more lonely than I usually am.
Neh... Oh well. I'll survive. :)
Rode to work again this morning. Nice and chilly.
I wore my windbreak skullcap, with my gray hat over it, still didn't quite keep my head warm enough... Have to figure something out there, because wearing my helmet will be annoying since there isn't really anywhere for me to keep it at work...
I'm figuring out the most important things to look for in winter gear...
1. Has to cut off wind at the cuffs. Whether at my wrists, or ankles, air has to stop there... I have a chapped spot on the inside of my left forearm where the wind makes it in that sleeve...
2. Has to cut off wind around the neck. All the layers in the world won't help if one of them shoots air down and chills you with a nice pocket of cold wind.
Gonna see what I can do with the budget I have... :)
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Life these days
Is just neh...
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.
Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.
Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.
I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...
My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.
Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(
Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.
First December post...yay!
I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I go to work, I go home, I stay at home, I go to Church, I go home, I go to church, I go home, I repeat the process.
Not making any progress. Not really regressing.
Well, I guess in some ways I am regressing, but certainly no progress being made.
Dunno what to do.
Headed home from a fruitless interview the other day, my phone started acting up, wouldn't send or receive anything. So when I got home I tried to flash it back to stock so that I could upgrade the ROM... But ended up bricking it instead. So I've been without a phone since Tuesday...
Funny thing is, aside from some minor inconvenience with the three people I talk to on a daily basis... I doubt anyone has noticed.
I rode to work today... that was another chilly experience... I still can't afford the appropriate gear for riding in 18 degree weather... I have to get used to it though, because otherwise I will be spending $100 a week on petrol for the truck...
My hands are cold. I hate when my hands are cold.
Tomorrow is TSO. I can't afford to go. :(
Oh well. I am working on resigning myself to the way things are.
First December post...yay!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
How exactly?
Am I supposed to address what I am thinking and feeling if I can't actually put my finger on it? I have no idea how to define the moods I have been in or what has caused them. I want to be able to move past this... But how can I when I don't know what IT is?
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.
I can't even explain or express what I have been thinking lately... not coherently.
Help.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Patience
Time, though swiftly passing by, does not require the haste we place on every moment.We live lives that are so full of things, people, places, and stuff that we rarely take the time to slow down and just relax and recharge.
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.
Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.
With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"
I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.
So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!
This also affects our relationship with God and our overall well-being.
Over this summer I had to learn to slow down again, and I found some great ways to do it! At first I didn't have employment, so I just relaxed. Then I bought a motorcycle, which provides hours upon hours of solitude when riding. I use that time for my thinking and meditating on things.
With the inevitable cooler weather that comes with fall/winter I have been riding less and spending less time "slowing down"
I have been noticing that I am more uptight and stressed lately. (Yes there are other factors at play) I realized last night, and made the observation to Em, that I have been riding too fast lately. It occurred to me that it could be related to my lack of downtime lately.
So... It's time for me to learn to slow down... Again!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Understanding
Do you comprehend understanding? How do you define understanding? I smile as I type. Do you understand understanding?
There are many definitions of the word, and I would venture to say that not many people are truly enlightened as to what it means to truly understand something or someone.
In our lives I think that it is rare to find that you understand yourself, much less those around you and you can only count on one person being able to truly comprehend what it is that makes you who you are. That one person is your Creator. I think it is possible to find someone who understands you, and who you are, but I think that it happens so rarely that it is not believed.
As humans, we all have a desire to understand and be understood. But that desire is very rarely sated in a healthy manner. This is very similar to our desire to love and be loved.
Finding a person who fits into your life is not an easy task, and the road you must travel to find that person is often long and has many twists and turns... sometimes it even loops back to a place you had ignored before. But still we all (most) labor on in the hopes of finding that person who we can understand and who understands us.
That level of understanding leads to one of two results; either that person loves and accepts all of you, or they begin to hold you in contempt and attempt to take advantage of you.
When you find the person who understands the essence of who you are, and still accepts you, and finds it within themselves to love you in spite of all of the faults and failings they can see in you, hold on to that person. Don't let them go, because the odds are that you will never find another.
Possibly more to say on this at a later date.
But how would I keep people from believing I had lied to them?
Just know that sometimes facts change.
There are many definitions of the word, and I would venture to say that not many people are truly enlightened as to what it means to truly understand something or someone.
In our lives I think that it is rare to find that you understand yourself, much less those around you and you can only count on one person being able to truly comprehend what it is that makes you who you are. That one person is your Creator. I think it is possible to find someone who understands you, and who you are, but I think that it happens so rarely that it is not believed.
As humans, we all have a desire to understand and be understood. But that desire is very rarely sated in a healthy manner. This is very similar to our desire to love and be loved.
Finding a person who fits into your life is not an easy task, and the road you must travel to find that person is often long and has many twists and turns... sometimes it even loops back to a place you had ignored before. But still we all (most) labor on in the hopes of finding that person who we can understand and who understands us.
That level of understanding leads to one of two results; either that person loves and accepts all of you, or they begin to hold you in contempt and attempt to take advantage of you.
When you find the person who understands the essence of who you are, and still accepts you, and finds it within themselves to love you in spite of all of the faults and failings they can see in you, hold on to that person. Don't let them go, because the odds are that you will never find another.
Possibly more to say on this at a later date.
But how would I keep people from believing I had lied to them?
Just know that sometimes facts change.
Monday, November 07, 2011
What's in your eyes?
This has been going around in my head a lot over the last few weeks. I can't get it out of my head.
I have always been a person who makes eye contact, it just seems to me like it should be a common part of communication. But in the world we live in, we are so "socialized" with media, smart phones, Facebook, twitter, etc, that we have lost the ability to communicate honestly and clearly.
I make eye contact when I am talking to you. I have nothing to hide. I know that some people see this as flirting. I know that others are made uncomfortable. But it's what I do.
Having said that, I see a lot in people's eyes.
Most often the eyes that I see are the "dead" eyes. Eyes of people who have no hope, no light in their lives that give them a reason to wake up each day. Those people make me hurt.
I also see the "hurt" eyes. The people who have had some unspeakable pain inflicted upon them whether in their hearts and minds, or physically. These people have my heart.
I see the "needy" eyes. People who want to love and to be loved, they desire love and acceptance to counter the neglect they have felt in the past. I want to pour love into these people.
I see the "fearing" eyes. Always afraid of those around them, in one way or another they fear what others are trying to take from them or do to them. Sometimes this fear is irrational, yet sadly, other times there is a reason for this fear. I want to teach these people trust.
I see the "loving" eyes. The eyes of the people who love those around them and long to show that love that God has given them. These people encourage me.
I see eyes of people who are "whole" and who are able to meet your eyes and are happy (or at least content) where they are and they have a wholesome relationship with God and their peers and it shows in their eyes.
These people give me hope.
I see "searching" eyes. These people are looking for a hope and a light to fill their eyes. They want to find something that will fulfill their soul and their desires.
I want to teach these people.
I see more than most people do. Sometimes this may be based upon impressions, but I think that often it is accurate and reflects who these people are. I want to be able to use what I know to help people, but I don't always have the ability, the right, the desire, the courage to do so.
I just trust God to show me His timing and to be able to do what He desires of me when that time comes.
I have always been a person who makes eye contact, it just seems to me like it should be a common part of communication. But in the world we live in, we are so "socialized" with media, smart phones, Facebook, twitter, etc, that we have lost the ability to communicate honestly and clearly.
I make eye contact when I am talking to you. I have nothing to hide. I know that some people see this as flirting. I know that others are made uncomfortable. But it's what I do.
Having said that, I see a lot in people's eyes.
Most often the eyes that I see are the "dead" eyes. Eyes of people who have no hope, no light in their lives that give them a reason to wake up each day. Those people make me hurt.
I also see the "hurt" eyes. The people who have had some unspeakable pain inflicted upon them whether in their hearts and minds, or physically. These people have my heart.
I see the "needy" eyes. People who want to love and to be loved, they desire love and acceptance to counter the neglect they have felt in the past. I want to pour love into these people.
I see the "fearing" eyes. Always afraid of those around them, in one way or another they fear what others are trying to take from them or do to them. Sometimes this fear is irrational, yet sadly, other times there is a reason for this fear. I want to teach these people trust.
I see the "loving" eyes. The eyes of the people who love those around them and long to show that love that God has given them. These people encourage me.
I see eyes of people who are "whole" and who are able to meet your eyes and are happy (or at least content) where they are and they have a wholesome relationship with God and their peers and it shows in their eyes.
These people give me hope.
I see "searching" eyes. These people are looking for a hope and a light to fill their eyes. They want to find something that will fulfill their soul and their desires.
I want to teach these people.
I see more than most people do. Sometimes this may be based upon impressions, but I think that often it is accurate and reflects who these people are. I want to be able to use what I know to help people, but I don't always have the ability, the right, the desire, the courage to do so.
I just trust God to show me His timing and to be able to do what He desires of me when that time comes.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Dreamer?
Hurray for, a child that makes it through.
If someone longs, strives, hopes, dreams pushes for something that is clearly impossible, with no hope of being possible, does that make them a dreamer? Hopeless? a Madman? A fool? An innovator? A visionary?
What about someone who accepts the inevitable and chooses to live with things as they are, does that make them complacent? Unmotivated? Uninterested? Wise? Content?
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Hi Lauren
If someone longs, strives, hopes, dreams pushes for something that is clearly impossible, with no hope of being possible, does that make them a dreamer? Hopeless? a Madman? A fool? An innovator? A visionary?
What about someone who accepts the inevitable and chooses to live with things as they are, does that make them complacent? Unmotivated? Uninterested? Wise? Content?
Some may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Hi Lauren
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Missionary music.
There is plenty of good quality music to communicate the message of missions.
We don't have to rewrite hymns with corny, cliches of missionary intent.
This is my belief.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Meet Joe Black
I've never seen the movie... but found this quote and found it interesting.
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows, lightning could strike.
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. And I'm not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is, honey, there's no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open, who knows, lightning could strike.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Another day
My shoulders squared to carry the load.
My eyes uplifted to find the strength.
My chin raised to lighten the mood.
My feet ready to walk the road.
My hands prepared to earn my way.
My mouth accustomed to bitter defeat.
My back weary from feeling the blows.
Another day comes, another day goes.
******************
Well that started out nicely... But ended on a dreary note. Kinda matches my mood today though.
My eyes uplifted to find the strength.
My chin raised to lighten the mood.
My feet ready to walk the road.
My hands prepared to earn my way.
My mouth accustomed to bitter defeat.
My back weary from feeling the blows.
Another day comes, another day goes.
******************
Well that started out nicely... But ended on a dreary note. Kinda matches my mood today though.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
I know
That this means nothing to most people.
But when I find it hard to express what I am thinking/feeling.
I find a song.
I use music to communicate what I am thinking and feeling.
So if you are ever wondering where I am and what is going on in my life.
Look at my facebook.
I post so many songs on there that I am sure I annoy people.
I know most people just ignore the music that I post.
But I wish some people would listen to them.
Ah well.
But when I find it hard to express what I am thinking/feeling.
I find a song.
I use music to communicate what I am thinking and feeling.
So if you are ever wondering where I am and what is going on in my life.
Look at my facebook.
I post so many songs on there that I am sure I annoy people.
I know most people just ignore the music that I post.
But I wish some people would listen to them.
Ah well.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
"Broke & Ugly"
... That was what his sign said.
None of the usual "anything helps" or "God Bless" just a simple message describing his current conditions.
He felt no need to lie or to try to manipulate people. He was just out of options. He hated himself like he hated every single minute he stood there on the corner.
He carried an old backpack hanging loosely on his right shoulder. At one time it had been navy blue, and might have even carried the Old Navy logo, but now it is so faded that you can hardly tell it was blue. His clothes were neat, though noticeably worn and thin. He wore several shirts, with a faded checked flannel shirt over them.
His jeans had holes and you could see that he was wearing another pair under them. Worn, mismatch combat boots and a ratty baseball cap completed his ensemble as he stood there watching people pass with the windows up in their cars.
The slight satire of his cardboard sign reflected his outlook on life, his ability to find humor in all things. Yes, he needed money, yes he hadn't had a good meal in almost two days, but he wasn't going to outright beg for money. Just let people know that he was broke, and as for the second part of the sign.. Well, he wasn't being entirely humorous when he wrote it. He thought of what people see when they look at him; A small, slant shouldered man in his mid fifties, hair that was once a dark brown now mostly gray. A large, unkempt beard reaches several inches below his chin. Missing teeth make his rare smile one that most wouldn't find attractive. Only the eyes in his grizzled, weather worn face look bright.
So he stands, waiting, praying for a break that will change his life again.
Holding his sign that says: "Broke & Ugly"
****************************
Based upon the encounter I had with a homeless guy this morning...
Homeless Guy: Let me ride that bike!
Me: Nope, I don't really let many people ride her.
HG: C'mon man, I'll take care of her, let me ride!
Me: No sir, sorry.
HG: I got a good looking ol' lady, you can have her! Fair trade!
Me: Nah, this girl is plenty for me!
HG: I'm just messing man. (Holds out fist for fist bump)
And off I go...
It was interesting.
None of the usual "anything helps" or "God Bless" just a simple message describing his current conditions.
He felt no need to lie or to try to manipulate people. He was just out of options. He hated himself like he hated every single minute he stood there on the corner.
He carried an old backpack hanging loosely on his right shoulder. At one time it had been navy blue, and might have even carried the Old Navy logo, but now it is so faded that you can hardly tell it was blue. His clothes were neat, though noticeably worn and thin. He wore several shirts, with a faded checked flannel shirt over them.
His jeans had holes and you could see that he was wearing another pair under them. Worn, mismatch combat boots and a ratty baseball cap completed his ensemble as he stood there watching people pass with the windows up in their cars.
The slight satire of his cardboard sign reflected his outlook on life, his ability to find humor in all things. Yes, he needed money, yes he hadn't had a good meal in almost two days, but he wasn't going to outright beg for money. Just let people know that he was broke, and as for the second part of the sign.. Well, he wasn't being entirely humorous when he wrote it. He thought of what people see when they look at him; A small, slant shouldered man in his mid fifties, hair that was once a dark brown now mostly gray. A large, unkempt beard reaches several inches below his chin. Missing teeth make his rare smile one that most wouldn't find attractive. Only the eyes in his grizzled, weather worn face look bright.
So he stands, waiting, praying for a break that will change his life again.
Holding his sign that says: "Broke & Ugly"
****************************
Based upon the encounter I had with a homeless guy this morning...
Homeless Guy: Let me ride that bike!
Me: Nope, I don't really let many people ride her.
HG: C'mon man, I'll take care of her, let me ride!
Me: No sir, sorry.
HG: I got a good looking ol' lady, you can have her! Fair trade!
Me: Nah, this girl is plenty for me!
HG: I'm just messing man. (Holds out fist for fist bump)
And off I go...
It was interesting.
I do not like
This quote:
Some people are meant to fall in love with each other,
But not meant to be together.
Just saying.
Some people are meant to fall in love with each other,
But not meant to be together.
Just saying.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Choices
I often wonder the reasoning behind some people's actions. What are you hoping to find? Do you really just want to keep up? or are you looking for something more?
What goes through your mind? I don't understand. But I don't feel comfortable asking.
What goes through your mind? I don't understand. But I don't feel comfortable asking.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
Clearly I am faced with a choice. Being prepared for that choice and willing to live with
the consequences either way... That's the trick.
I am beginning to notice a pattern, and I don't like it. -.-
I'm dead beat tired today. Stayed up too late and didn't sleep too well.
Might end up taking up that daily offer from a friend for an energy drink... lol
I just want to run away and sleep. Sounds like a wonderful plan.
****EDIT****
Just found this quote, I find it interesting.
When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.
It works not because it settles the issue for you.
But because in that brief moment when the coin
is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Thanks... I guess...
*On the phone with an old friend*
Friend: So are you married now, or engaged, or dating or what? I haven't kept up with you.
Me: Well, Katie and I broke up, so now I'm just trying to be me and stay close to God so that He can control what happens in that aspect of my life.
Friend: Yeah that makes sense! But man, people used to say that we Mills boys were slow, I guess they had never met you Tylers...
Me: (polite laugh and move from subject)
Thanks?
Friend: So are you married now, or engaged, or dating or what? I haven't kept up with you.
Me: Well, Katie and I broke up, so now I'm just trying to be me and stay close to God so that He can control what happens in that aspect of my life.
Friend: Yeah that makes sense! But man, people used to say that we Mills boys were slow, I guess they had never met you Tylers...
Me: (polite laugh and move from subject)
Thanks?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Things that were
But are no more.
The clothes fill the box, they are memories of thinner, more active, more...lets just leave it at they haven't been worn in months, some of them years. The hangars are assorted, all styles, colors and types, most of them in good shape.
The clothes are laid in the box and folded over in an attempt to preserve their former neatness, except... well, except for that lump there, no not that one, the big one under the shirt there.
The clothes press down and almost smother the small thing there, but it is nothing compared to what he has experienced in the past. But then, those were happier circumstances, happier times and companions.
He chokes back a sob as he remembers and slowly works to escape the pressure on him. He finally manages to uncover part of himself, and he collapses again under the weight of the clothes.
It's been so long since he was needed, and a tear appears in his eye before being absorbed again by his cheek. These tears are not his own, but ones that he has bourne in the past for others as he held and consoled them, gave them the comfort that others could not.
But wait, do you hear that? At last! One of those companions has returned! He can hear him talking, look, look there! The shirts are moved aside! A wave of cool air washes over him as large, calloused, yet gentle hands lift him into the air.
Joy floods his heart as he remembers the better times of the past, the love and happiness that is stored with his little body from the times it could not be shared. He almost glows as it all rushes to the surface of his soft brown skin and he lovingly looks again into the face of he who owns him.
But. No! Oh why?!
There isn't happiness looking back at him! Only sadness, with a hint of pain, "oh what have I done" he wonders to himself. He doesn't understand, he only wants to love and be loved. Not cause this pain.
He is crestfallen, he hangs limply in the hands and doesn't even react when he is placed back into the box.
He is alone again, with the knowledge that for the time being, he cannot again bring joy.
He begins to weep quietly as his master walks away, he doesn't fight or lash out as the clothes begin again to take over.
But what he doesn't know, is that the initial joy on his face was noticed, it started a change in his master, and his master will soon reclaim him as a companion. There is yet hope, for he can once again be pulled from his living grave and be restored to his former place!
He sparked this story, and now...
Chesterton sleeps at my side tonight.
Yes, it's true, this story is about my stuffed monkey. But I love this little guy...
The clothes fill the box, they are memories of thinner, more active, more...lets just leave it at they haven't been worn in months, some of them years. The hangars are assorted, all styles, colors and types, most of them in good shape.
The clothes are laid in the box and folded over in an attempt to preserve their former neatness, except... well, except for that lump there, no not that one, the big one under the shirt there.
The clothes press down and almost smother the small thing there, but it is nothing compared to what he has experienced in the past. But then, those were happier circumstances, happier times and companions.
He chokes back a sob as he remembers and slowly works to escape the pressure on him. He finally manages to uncover part of himself, and he collapses again under the weight of the clothes.
It's been so long since he was needed, and a tear appears in his eye before being absorbed again by his cheek. These tears are not his own, but ones that he has bourne in the past for others as he held and consoled them, gave them the comfort that others could not.
But wait, do you hear that? At last! One of those companions has returned! He can hear him talking, look, look there! The shirts are moved aside! A wave of cool air washes over him as large, calloused, yet gentle hands lift him into the air.
Joy floods his heart as he remembers the better times of the past, the love and happiness that is stored with his little body from the times it could not be shared. He almost glows as it all rushes to the surface of his soft brown skin and he lovingly looks again into the face of he who owns him.
But. No! Oh why?!
There isn't happiness looking back at him! Only sadness, with a hint of pain, "oh what have I done" he wonders to himself. He doesn't understand, he only wants to love and be loved. Not cause this pain.
He is crestfallen, he hangs limply in the hands and doesn't even react when he is placed back into the box.
He is alone again, with the knowledge that for the time being, he cannot again bring joy.
He begins to weep quietly as his master walks away, he doesn't fight or lash out as the clothes begin again to take over.
But what he doesn't know, is that the initial joy on his face was noticed, it started a change in his master, and his master will soon reclaim him as a companion. There is yet hope, for he can once again be pulled from his living grave and be restored to his former place!
He sparked this story, and now...
Chesterton sleeps at my side tonight.
Yes, it's true, this story is about my stuffed monkey. But I love this little guy...
Friday, September 23, 2011
The views of others
It is interesting to find out the way other people view you. I have been having a few odd experiences with people lately, and in these happenings, it comes about that I learn how they view me. It's an interesting thing to learn, because it changes how you understand them.
Just a couple of examples.
I work with a fellow by the name of Anthony. We became acquainted through the office communicator and a group help chat that was going. Then it started that I was being tasked to do more second level work, which is what he does. We haven't really talked much about anything except work, and then one day I say to him "Yo!" and his response is "Don't ever say that again, you are one of the most educated people here." This kind of boggled my mind, as we had never discussed education or anything close. Anthony has said that to me several times in response to things like "dood" and "aight" always his response is "You are one of the most educated people here, don't do that."
And then the other day, he asked how old I was. I told him, and he said "Oh, well you are younger than I thought." I said "yeah, most people say that" and his response to that kind of blew me away... He says "Well, you dress older."
I dress older? What exactly does that mean? Besides that I'm not "cool"? I just told him that I didn't dress according to fashion, but rather what was comfortable to me. So I am now aware that how I dress affects how people determine my age. I guess.
And then just yesterday, I was talking with Someone and I was informed that I had surprised them. How? I asked. "You are more of a man than I expected."
Interesting. More of a man than what? Although I know the comparisons being made, it still makes me wonder about what was expected, and if I should do something so that others don't have the same impression of a "lesser" man.
It's fascinating the correlations people draw, all because of their past and their experiences.
Just a couple of examples.
I work with a fellow by the name of Anthony. We became acquainted through the office communicator and a group help chat that was going. Then it started that I was being tasked to do more second level work, which is what he does. We haven't really talked much about anything except work, and then one day I say to him "Yo!" and his response is "Don't ever say that again, you are one of the most educated people here." This kind of boggled my mind, as we had never discussed education or anything close. Anthony has said that to me several times in response to things like "dood" and "aight" always his response is "You are one of the most educated people here, don't do that."
And then the other day, he asked how old I was. I told him, and he said "Oh, well you are younger than I thought." I said "yeah, most people say that" and his response to that kind of blew me away... He says "Well, you dress older."
I dress older? What exactly does that mean? Besides that I'm not "cool"? I just told him that I didn't dress according to fashion, but rather what was comfortable to me. So I am now aware that how I dress affects how people determine my age. I guess.
And then just yesterday, I was talking with Someone and I was informed that I had surprised them. How? I asked. "You are more of a man than I expected."
Interesting. More of a man than what? Although I know the comparisons being made, it still makes me wonder about what was expected, and if I should do something so that others don't have the same impression of a "lesser" man.
It's fascinating the correlations people draw, all because of their past and their experiences.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Updates
Neh... Life is crazy. Just when you think you are settling down into a nice routine it throws you a curve ball that rocks you on your heels.
Things have been going pretty good. I'm working, paying the bills, enjoying Medusa almost every day. Doing small things now and then to relax.. God is still teaching me, I just have to remember to learn.
(Sorry, I know there are a lot of random statements in my posts... It's just the way my head works.)
I feel like writing a story, but I don't have the proper motivation. Had a talk with Em last night about music and how I don't feel like I am talented in music. "Just because something doesn't come easily to you, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't talented" Thanks.
This last weekend was the Susan G. Komen race for the Cure in Tulsa. I had agreed at the beginning of the summer to run the 5k... But I am such a fat lazy slob that I didn't run at all this summer to get in shape for it, so I walked it instead. :(
I rode up there Friday evening, it was cold and there were quite a few storms. So I was getting road spray the whole way there... and about 10 minutes before I got there it really started to rain on me, so I got rather wet... But Medusa does well in the rain and I didn't really have any trouble. ("There" being the Barger's house just outside of Tulsa)
Lauren and Ricki drove down from Cinci for the race, so they were there. I met Lauren's family and then I changed out of my wet clothes and Lauren, Ricki and I went to meet up with some of Lauren's friends at a sushi place. (In The Raw, decent place for serving blech stuff)
Lauren forced me to eat it... One of the rolls she ordered was pretty good, but the other wasn't so great because it had salmon in it... So we ate there with her friends and it was fun. Then we just headed back home. Ended up getting home before her family, Lauren's words were "We are home before the old people!"
But it was okay because Ricki was sick and needed to go to bed. So she went to bed and Lauren and I stayed up while she did homework and we waited on her family to get home.
Once they got there we sat around and talked for a while. Her family is pretty cool, first off her little sister is awesome! She makes me laugh so hard! She also looks like a carbon copy of Angela Free from about eight years ago...
Her older sister and her husband are pretty cool too. Her older sister reminds me a lot of Dana Paxton's older sister, and that kinda freaked me out at first, but I got over it. Her dad and mom are just cool cats. Funny, smart, down to earth people that are easy to talk to and accepting of others.
Anywho, went to bed, got up and went to the Run (walk) and there we met up with Alyssa and Joyce Hauck, (haven't seen them in years) met Byron's wife again. We ended up walking part of the 5k and the 1 mile. (they did several different walks at different times in the morning)
After the walk we all headed home and relaxed for a while, then once the whole group was reassembled, we had some really good beef brisket and tater salad. After lunch it was relax and nap time! :) The rest of the Saturday was spent just relaxing, talking, and watching movies. (the home movies were hilarious!)
Finally the time came for me to leave, I dressed up for the ride home and hit the road. It was a crazy ride home, I had been watching the weather and didn't figure I would get rained on until right when I hit OKC. But the wind was my real enemy! I was fighting a strong headwind plus crosswind gusts, it was pretty rough so I was laying on the tank most of the way. (doing 90) and sure enough, just as I predicted, it started to rain on me just when I hit the intersection of 44 and 35. Got pretty drenched in about 15 minutes of riding. But made it home safe and sound.
All in all, a great weekend
Tonight: Em's first softball game! Exciting! Tomorrow: Church (I think) Thursday: NO WORK! STATE FAIR! ZONINO! (and the first time I get to ride with Em since before Labor day)
Well, hope you enjoyed my book-post. I'll put something more up another time. (Eventually)
Things have been going pretty good. I'm working, paying the bills, enjoying Medusa almost every day. Doing small things now and then to relax.. God is still teaching me, I just have to remember to learn.
(Sorry, I know there are a lot of random statements in my posts... It's just the way my head works.)
I feel like writing a story, but I don't have the proper motivation. Had a talk with Em last night about music and how I don't feel like I am talented in music. "Just because something doesn't come easily to you, doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't talented" Thanks.
This last weekend was the Susan G. Komen race for the Cure in Tulsa. I had agreed at the beginning of the summer to run the 5k... But I am such a fat lazy slob that I didn't run at all this summer to get in shape for it, so I walked it instead. :(
I rode up there Friday evening, it was cold and there were quite a few storms. So I was getting road spray the whole way there... and about 10 minutes before I got there it really started to rain on me, so I got rather wet... But Medusa does well in the rain and I didn't really have any trouble. ("There" being the Barger's house just outside of Tulsa)
Lauren and Ricki drove down from Cinci for the race, so they were there. I met Lauren's family and then I changed out of my wet clothes and Lauren, Ricki and I went to meet up with some of Lauren's friends at a sushi place. (In The Raw, decent place for serving blech stuff)
Lauren forced me to eat it... One of the rolls she ordered was pretty good, but the other wasn't so great because it had salmon in it... So we ate there with her friends and it was fun. Then we just headed back home. Ended up getting home before her family, Lauren's words were "We are home before the old people!"
But it was okay because Ricki was sick and needed to go to bed. So she went to bed and Lauren and I stayed up while she did homework and we waited on her family to get home.
Once they got there we sat around and talked for a while. Her family is pretty cool, first off her little sister is awesome! She makes me laugh so hard! She also looks like a carbon copy of Angela Free from about eight years ago...
Her older sister and her husband are pretty cool too. Her older sister reminds me a lot of Dana Paxton's older sister, and that kinda freaked me out at first, but I got over it. Her dad and mom are just cool cats. Funny, smart, down to earth people that are easy to talk to and accepting of others.
Anywho, went to bed, got up and went to the Run (walk) and there we met up with Alyssa and Joyce Hauck, (haven't seen them in years) met Byron's wife again. We ended up walking part of the 5k and the 1 mile. (they did several different walks at different times in the morning)
After the walk we all headed home and relaxed for a while, then once the whole group was reassembled, we had some really good beef brisket and tater salad. After lunch it was relax and nap time! :) The rest of the Saturday was spent just relaxing, talking, and watching movies. (the home movies were hilarious!)
Finally the time came for me to leave, I dressed up for the ride home and hit the road. It was a crazy ride home, I had been watching the weather and didn't figure I would get rained on until right when I hit OKC. But the wind was my real enemy! I was fighting a strong headwind plus crosswind gusts, it was pretty rough so I was laying on the tank most of the way. (doing 90) and sure enough, just as I predicted, it started to rain on me just when I hit the intersection of 44 and 35. Got pretty drenched in about 15 minutes of riding. But made it home safe and sound.
All in all, a great weekend
Tonight: Em's first softball game! Exciting! Tomorrow: Church (I think) Thursday: NO WORK! STATE FAIR! ZONINO! (and the first time I get to ride with Em since before Labor day)
Well, hope you enjoyed my book-post. I'll put something more up another time. (Eventually)
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Lagging
Yeah, I'm running a bit behind in my posts... Just been running a bit ragged.
Life is good.
Weather finally cooled off. That makes for some chilly riding lately... but it's worth it!
Went to the river for Labor day, the ride out Monday morning was almost as frigid as the ride home Monday night... The day at the river was awesome, only downside is the sunburn I received on the tops of my feet. >.>
Haven't been able to ride with Em for a few days because she isn't riding until she gets her M on her license. She rode with me last night though and we went down and sat by the lake for an hour, it was a nice relaxing evening. We found out that out in the middle of the lake, where there is usually a lot of water... there is what used to be a concrete bridge... apparently when they put up the Dam, they didn't figure it was necessary to remove it and just let it stay.
I've been having a lot of things make me think about children lately... First it was a dream the other night that I had three kids. Then it was a situation where I was called upon to play foster dad to an irate 10 year old. That isn't even including all of the times I interact with or see kids that makes me wish I had my own. I want to be a father, but I want to be ready to be. If that makes any sense. But the way things are going currently, I don't think I'll be having kids any time soon.
I have to keep rolling, can't get bogged down and get stuck in a rut. I'm in a good place right now, I just have to stay happy and keep working my way up and out. Bills, Life, People, all are important, I just have to keep learning to balance them.
Pettiness is a big pet peeve of mine... Just saying.
I don't know... I just... Don't know what to put down here. I want to be able to spill out my brains on here (that could get messy) but there is only one place/situation/time I am comfortable doing that.
I have a couple of faithful readers, to you, I just hope you don't grow bored with my usual idiocy.
Weather finally cooled off. That makes for some chilly riding lately... but it's worth it!
Went to the river for Labor day, the ride out Monday morning was almost as frigid as the ride home Monday night... The day at the river was awesome, only downside is the sunburn I received on the tops of my feet. >.>
Haven't been able to ride with Em for a few days because she isn't riding until she gets her M on her license. She rode with me last night though and we went down and sat by the lake for an hour, it was a nice relaxing evening. We found out that out in the middle of the lake, where there is usually a lot of water... there is what used to be a concrete bridge... apparently when they put up the Dam, they didn't figure it was necessary to remove it and just let it stay.
I've been having a lot of things make me think about children lately... First it was a dream the other night that I had three kids. Then it was a situation where I was called upon to play foster dad to an irate 10 year old. That isn't even including all of the times I interact with or see kids that makes me wish I had my own. I want to be a father, but I want to be ready to be. If that makes any sense. But the way things are going currently, I don't think I'll be having kids any time soon.
I have to keep rolling, can't get bogged down and get stuck in a rut. I'm in a good place right now, I just have to stay happy and keep working my way up and out. Bills, Life, People, all are important, I just have to keep learning to balance them.
Pettiness is a big pet peeve of mine... Just saying.
I don't know... I just... Don't know what to put down here. I want to be able to spill out my brains on here (that could get messy) but there is only one place/situation/time I am comfortable doing that.
I have a couple of faithful readers, to you, I just hope you don't grow bored with my usual idiocy.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Musing
Yeah that's right. I'm in that mood again. Scary I know.
Work is being kinda stressful this week. Which means I've been trying to relax and have been staying up too late... so I'm operating on too little sleep. It caught up with me today, I was sick most of the day and ended up coming home from work and going straight into a 2 hour nap which was great. Now I'm in a odd mood. Feeling that odd need to go, do, see... I want to go see something new, I want to do something new. I want to spend time with people I care about. I want to shift my focus again.
Have a time machine handy?
Do you ever wish you could go back say... 10 years and do some things over? I do. I would be happy if I could just send myself a message 10 years ago. I know exactly what I would say. But what I don't know is how it would change my life today. Because my life would be so drastically different. But I must wonder, if I were able to make those changes... who is to say that I wouldn't have had similar problems to the ones I have had? Everything seems so simple, but it really isn't. Because I am who I am because of the mistakes I've made. I am better for them.
I am thankful for the paths I have trod.
I don't want to work for a mega company for the rest of my life.
I want to have a job where my "job" is something that I do... not something that hundreds of other people do... I want to stay in this field... but not in this job. If that makes sense.
This post is confusing.
I might change the title of the post since I have other thoughts I might prefer to label as musings.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Honesty
I come to you now with all I am honestly displayed before me.
With earnest love and unhesitating acceptance, I love who you are.
I present to you what you already hold:
My heart that is full of love and desire for your happiness.
My mind that is brimming with ideas and thoughts to share with you.
My soul that is growing every day in my love for Christ and desire to see His will in my life.
My self. Not one part of me do I withhold. There is no reason for me to.
You are good for me.
This is not anything different or anything new. Just a time for me to continue learning to express myself.
God does all things for a reason.
Don't take this wrong. Just take it for what it is; an expression of who I am.
You already know me. I don't have to tell you any of this. But it is satisfying to have it put into words.
We once had a conversation about intimacy. I wish I had kept that conversation, because I would like to share my views and opinions on intimacy and I expressed them so well (I thought) in that conversation.
There is nothing wrong with intimacy. But like I said before. Intimacy is so much more than physical or emotional. Intimacy is tied in with your mind and your soul. Most people don't understand that. Most people think that intimacy is for those in a romantic relationship, or for family. Why should we limit ourselves so? Intimacy, when shared between two friends, who both have God centered hearts, and who are willing to be honest and transparent, is a wonderful thing. God designed us to be intimate with other human beings, but sin has corrupted that intimacy from a thing of absolute beauty to something that is shied away from.
I wish I remembered all I had to say before... because it was well said.
Intimacy can be platonic and wholesome.
People assume we are married or dating. I am asked so often if we are dating or if we are just not "official" that I always have an answer ready. Our friendship is so simple. and yet the world in general assumes that we cannot merely be friends.
To that I say only that I am sorry for their simple-mindedness. Even many people that we know. They cannot grasp such things and it makes me sad for them that they have never had a friendship as pure as ours.
Sigh. There is more to this than I have said here. But the words escape me today, I lack the creativity.
Thoughts? Opinions?
Be prepared for me to respond in honesty and transparency if you choose to leave a narrow minded or idiotic comment.
****EDIT****
Pity. That's the word I was looking for earlier. I pity those who cannot grasp this.
With earnest love and unhesitating acceptance, I love who you are.
I present to you what you already hold:
My heart that is full of love and desire for your happiness.
My mind that is brimming with ideas and thoughts to share with you.
My soul that is growing every day in my love for Christ and desire to see His will in my life.
My self. Not one part of me do I withhold. There is no reason for me to.
You are good for me.
This is not anything different or anything new. Just a time for me to continue learning to express myself.
God does all things for a reason.
Don't take this wrong. Just take it for what it is; an expression of who I am.
You already know me. I don't have to tell you any of this. But it is satisfying to have it put into words.
We once had a conversation about intimacy. I wish I had kept that conversation, because I would like to share my views and opinions on intimacy and I expressed them so well (I thought) in that conversation.
There is nothing wrong with intimacy. But like I said before. Intimacy is so much more than physical or emotional. Intimacy is tied in with your mind and your soul. Most people don't understand that. Most people think that intimacy is for those in a romantic relationship, or for family. Why should we limit ourselves so? Intimacy, when shared between two friends, who both have God centered hearts, and who are willing to be honest and transparent, is a wonderful thing. God designed us to be intimate with other human beings, but sin has corrupted that intimacy from a thing of absolute beauty to something that is shied away from.
I wish I remembered all I had to say before... because it was well said.
Intimacy can be platonic and wholesome.
People assume we are married or dating. I am asked so often if we are dating or if we are just not "official" that I always have an answer ready. Our friendship is so simple. and yet the world in general assumes that we cannot merely be friends.
To that I say only that I am sorry for their simple-mindedness. Even many people that we know. They cannot grasp such things and it makes me sad for them that they have never had a friendship as pure as ours.
Sigh. There is more to this than I have said here. But the words escape me today, I lack the creativity.
Thoughts? Opinions?
Be prepared for me to respond in honesty and transparency if you choose to leave a narrow minded or idiotic comment.
****EDIT****
Pity. That's the word I was looking for earlier. I pity those who cannot grasp this.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Dreams
I have been having some strange trends in my dreams lately.
Four nights in a row I dreamt of horrible things happening to my very good friends.
Two nights in a row I dreamt of my own death.
Last night I had a crazy, wonderful, scary dream. One that I dare not share with anyone, especially the person of who I dreamt.
After almost three years of not dreaming, why are these the dreams I have?
Makes me wonder.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Rivalry
This post is just to inform you that Epic Weekend just might have a rival in this coming weekend...
Quicksilver Motorcycle Rally and Rodeo...
If it doesn't surpass Epic Weekend, it will be a tie or close second...
Countdown to departure: Six hours.
Seth, Em and I are riding up together! Should be awesome! A much more intense ride than the straight shot south that was Epic Weekend.
Last night was Bike Night down at I-240... It was in the parking lots of Old Chicago and Hooters.. It was okay, there were a lot of bikes there. But since we (Chase, Erica, and I) didn't go to get drunk... it was pretty short for us... We just walked around and looked at the bikes and then came home. Still ended up being out late and to bed late. So I'm tired today. But not too bad.
I still have to pack and do last minute prep for this weekend.
Clean Medusa, clean my helmet, pack, make sure I have everything I need. oi. :)
Life is good.
Quicksilver Motorcycle Rally and Rodeo...
If it doesn't surpass Epic Weekend, it will be a tie or close second...
Countdown to departure: Six hours.
Seth, Em and I are riding up together! Should be awesome! A much more intense ride than the straight shot south that was Epic Weekend.
Last night was Bike Night down at I-240... It was in the parking lots of Old Chicago and Hooters.. It was okay, there were a lot of bikes there. But since we (Chase, Erica, and I) didn't go to get drunk... it was pretty short for us... We just walked around and looked at the bikes and then came home. Still ended up being out late and to bed late. So I'm tired today. But not too bad.
I still have to pack and do last minute prep for this weekend.
Clean Medusa, clean my helmet, pack, make sure I have everything I need. oi. :)
Life is good.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Rides
Well, long ride Friday night got cancelled, Em forgot she had plans already, plus a big storm came in. We had planned on staying up all night and watching the Perseids, but naturally we couldn't because of the storm. Made me sad, because I was seriously excited about that.
Saturday... I don't remember much about Saturday, it was pretty much a blah day. Oh, I put tags on my bike. (expensive!)
Sunday was a good day! Church was great, especially since Pastor is back from Nigeria. Then after church Em and I went for a short ride out through Yukon and then north a ways, it was highly enjoyable!
Work yesterday was pretty good... Just work mostly.
But then!
Seth and I went and got the tags for his bike! (seriously expensive!)
THEN!
We went and got the stuff and changed his oil in Rhiannon.
AND THEN!
Erica, Seth, Chase, Matt, Keith and I all rode up to Okarche and went to Eichen's (Eichen's, not elchens) which was awesome! Loved the ride up there! A ton of fun! They serve some really good fried chicken and some amazing fried okra! When you order a drink though... they bring you a foam cup with a bit of ice and a can of pop...wow...
The ride back was fun, six of us having fun and cruising down the road... absolutely loved it!
We took Em home and stood talking in her driveway with Chase for a while, that was fun. :)
Ah! God is good! I love the blessings He gives me every day!
Work is nicely slow this morning... almost half an hour into my shift and still no calls...
Not looking forward to the rest of today though. Well, I kinda am... I get almost three hours "off" work while still getting paid. That's nice! I have to go take my A+ test today. oi. no funz. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll pass... It's just a bit of a worry. :(
You, who I will be speaking with later today. I am sorry. Very sorry. I am not pleased at all. I'm not so selfish as to be happy about this. I will continue to pray for you. Remember that God is in control and you, as long as you are walking in the Light that He grants you, will be nestled safe in his hands.
I'm sleepy today, that's the only downside of amazing rides... getting home late. :)
Saturday... I don't remember much about Saturday, it was pretty much a blah day. Oh, I put tags on my bike. (expensive!)
Sunday was a good day! Church was great, especially since Pastor is back from Nigeria. Then after church Em and I went for a short ride out through Yukon and then north a ways, it was highly enjoyable!
Work yesterday was pretty good... Just work mostly.
But then!
Seth and I went and got the tags for his bike! (seriously expensive!)
THEN!
We went and got the stuff and changed his oil in Rhiannon.
AND THEN!
Erica, Seth, Chase, Matt, Keith and I all rode up to Okarche and went to Eichen's (Eichen's, not elchens) which was awesome! Loved the ride up there! A ton of fun! They serve some really good fried chicken and some amazing fried okra! When you order a drink though... they bring you a foam cup with a bit of ice and a can of pop...wow...
The ride back was fun, six of us having fun and cruising down the road... absolutely loved it!
We took Em home and stood talking in her driveway with Chase for a while, that was fun. :)
Ah! God is good! I love the blessings He gives me every day!
Work is nicely slow this morning... almost half an hour into my shift and still no calls...
Not looking forward to the rest of today though. Well, I kinda am... I get almost three hours "off" work while still getting paid. That's nice! I have to go take my A+ test today. oi. no funz. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll pass... It's just a bit of a worry. :(
You, who I will be speaking with later today. I am sorry. Very sorry. I am not pleased at all. I'm not so selfish as to be happy about this. I will continue to pray for you. Remember that God is in control and you, as long as you are walking in the Light that He grants you, will be nestled safe in his hands.
I'm sleepy today, that's the only downside of amazing rides... getting home late. :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Words
(NASB)Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.
People say some stupid things.
Including me.
Teenage boys yell stupid things at girls from their cars.
Young men say stupid things quietly.
Young men are fools.
Teenage boys are just idiots.
Which is better?
I try very hard to be sure I say the right things.
Even harder to make sure I don't say the wrong things.
But still those stupid words sometimes slip out of my mouth. (or in this case, my fingers)
Whap! Bang! Bounce! Whang!
Sigh.
I'm sorry again.
Please forgive me.
==========
And for you, who I just got off the phone with, remember your promises. I am praying for you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Nobody
Who am I?
Nobody.
Who do I feel like?
Nobody.
Who loves me?
Somebody.
Who is that person?
God.
Who changes that?
Nobody.
----------
I find it interesting the things that I get myself into...
I am currently sitting in a Teamspeak channel with more than 30 other people listening to a monthly meeting of our gaming clan... This clan is a registered 501C3 charity and somehow I find myself in the officers of this organization..
Makes me "ctm"
----------
I love music... I just can't get enough.
-----------
I have a headache... and I'm hungry.
Not. Cool.
Except the hungry part... that is good.
----------
This is an odd post.
Had a nice short ride with Em tonight.
Probly going on a long ride tomorrow night with her since Lenoh is letting young females invade the house...
Nobody.
Who do I feel like?
Nobody.
Who loves me?
Somebody.
Who is that person?
God.
Who changes that?
Nobody.
----------
I find it interesting the things that I get myself into...
I am currently sitting in a Teamspeak channel with more than 30 other people listening to a monthly meeting of our gaming clan... This clan is a registered 501C3 charity and somehow I find myself in the officers of this organization..
Makes me "ctm"
----------
I love music... I just can't get enough.
-----------
I have a headache... and I'm hungry.
Not. Cool.
Except the hungry part... that is good.
----------
This is an odd post.
Had a nice short ride with Em tonight.
Probly going on a long ride tomorrow night with her since Lenoh is letting young females invade the house...
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Turmoil
Over the roiling sea in my breast,
God casts a net that calms and rests.
As my mind lists the uncertainties,
God walks to me on troubled seas.
My lonely heart cries out and brings a scowl,
With my Lord there are no sorrows now.
"Lord!" I cry, "My needs are great!"
He fixes me with knowing stare,
For He sees all from Mercy Seat.
My pains cannot compare,
To what He felt while hanging there.
I give my all and lean on Him,
I need not fear when sight grows dim.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
I'm not cool but that's okay
Hrmm...
Work has been crazy this last couple of weeks... between being live on the phones, VBS, and riding with Em. My days have been very very full.
I'm finally getting into the swing of things... I am adjusting to my new schedule. (0600-1500) It's tough.. but I do apparently need to go to bed at about nine or ten every night.
I'm getting used to the process at work. I'm able to handle most of my calls. There are only a few things that are just beyond what I have been trained in.
So many people in this life are petty. I don't like that.
I promised a post about a status I put on Facebook, but I haven't had time to get it put together. This morning is the first time I have been on the phones and haven't been totally slammed with calls...
==========
Aaaand we're back!
The above was composed Friday at work.
==========
Work has been crazy this last couple of weeks... between being live on the phones, VBS, and riding with Em. My days have been very very full.
I'm finally getting into the swing of things... I am adjusting to my new schedule. (0600-1500) It's tough.. but I do apparently need to go to bed at about nine or ten every night.
I'm getting used to the process at work. I'm able to handle most of my calls. There are only a few things that are just beyond what I have been trained in.
So many people in this life are petty. I don't like that.
I promised a post about a status I put on Facebook, but I haven't had time to get it put together. This morning is the first time I have been on the phones and haven't been totally slammed with calls...
==========
Aaaand we're back!
The above was composed Friday at work.
==========
First reactions
My first reaction is of recession. To remove myself from everything as much as possible.
But logical thoughts take over and I realize that will not help anything.
**********
Every time I eat at a Mexican restaurant I think of you. I almost ordered a virgin pina colada tonight to remember you better. But decided against it. We ate at Ted's Cafe Escondido and it was pretty good, didn't like waiting an hour to get in...
Have a nice life.
++++++++++
This post completed from a draft created a few days ago.
But logical thoughts take over and I realize that will not help anything.
**********
Every time I eat at a Mexican restaurant I think of you. I almost ordered a virgin pina colada tonight to remember you better. But decided against it. We ate at Ted's Cafe Escondido and it was pretty good, didn't like waiting an hour to get in...
Have a nice life.
++++++++++
This post completed from a draft created a few days ago.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Failings
I am tempted to just give it all up. Clearly nothing attempted will ever succeed. A perfect track record of 100% failure can attest to that.
I'm ready to see jesus.
There is just no use. I screw everything up.
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Cosmongony
The Expanses of my Mind.